Hello All,
This is a special edition reporting live from Jand! Enjoy my views!
Firstly is 'A Naija Experience' - my perspective on Las Giddy airport!
1. Picture this - Day 135 (Week 26). I got to the airport in perfect time with no excess or any such. The first set of custom chaps were quite friendly and even thought I couldn't speak anything other than the queens English - na soso foney I dey blow. Anyway, as I was leaving, I made a statement in 'conc' Yoruba that rocked their world! I got to the next set of custom officials for PP checking only to be told by the guy that he was not satisfied with my britico PP. He told me point blank I will have to go to the embassy and that I was an off-load. I didn't have a clue what that meant then I came up angry. I asked what the problem was and didn't get a response. I was told that I will be put on a flight free of charge on Monday but that I was not travelling on this flight. By now I was fuming, I told them I was getting on the flight and nothing was going to stop me! I asked the custom man how he could detect any wrong on my PP using a torchlight - the statement got to him and he bluntly retorted that it wasn't a torchlight! Anyway, eventually their 'Oga' came took a look at me and my PP and told me that I could proceed!
Then, I got to another set of custom checking were you had to open up your suitcase - only God knows why we have to do this! The guy just scattered all my stuff around - by now fuming couldn't even describe my emotions! By the time, I got to the checking-in counter, I had lost it and vowed not to fly with that airline again, so the attendant began to pacify me.
As I queued up to go through the detector checking, I saw a 'foreigner' jump a queue. The people around were so mad and as they complained and moaned, he just snubbed them and went through the checking barrier; as he did this I commented that he had become a 'Nigerian'! I went through only to be told I had to ditch my bottles of water even though I had specifically asked at the counter prior if it was OK to take water on board and was categorically told it was fine! Then I was told that I had the wrong custom form - been given an arrival form instead of a departure form from an earlier desk. When I asked to be given the right form, I was told to cross out the word 'arrival' and write 'departure' there! Whose report am I to believe?
Just as well I got to the airport early, the departure time for my flight at the airport was an hour later than the time stipulated on my itinerary at the point of booking - na wa o!
The whole experience was so traumatic that my head pounded like never before!
Then I finally board the plane to discover that we were going to be travelling in an antiquated Boeing 767 plane with 'gbogbo ero' movie screen showing some thirty-something year old movies! Thankfully the flight was smooth but I had stomach spasms all through the duration!
On landing, I was the only black person on the UK PP side in a long stretch of holiday makers at PP control!
At one point the baggage reclaim area was so flooded with people from other flights that landed after us and believe it or not, everyone had their baggage reclaimed, left the airport and forgot they'd just flown in whilst we on the Las Giddy reclaim belt waited forever for our stuffs to come out! And when they finally started coming out, those that circled the belt belonged to those still trying to get past PP control! Why does this always happen?
Oh what a trip!
I stepped out of the airport and the first person my gaze landed on was a 'traffic warden' about to start dishing out parking fines, then I knew I was truly in jand!
2. I discovered just before I left for my trip that my little TV actually worked and could pick up local channels! Thanks to my friend who came and fiddled with the tuning! I just can't believe that I'd suffered in ignorance for this long! At the end I was told I needed a man in my life! Hmm, what more can I say?
3. Whoever said traffic was peculiar to just Las Giddy? I witnessed stagnant traffic on the famous M25; at least it still moves at a snail's pace in Las Giddy even though there's never a cause of traffic!
4. Day 138 - Saw with my korokoro eyes a woman with the name 'Gregory Smith' tattooed on her back. So I com dey wonder say if GS com leave am if na so she go tattoo all the men's name that she encounters on all her body! I no say I dey see craze for Lagos but I never see dis kind one o!
5. Jand traffic warden vs Las Giddy Lastma - pick your choice!
6. Fuel is almost a pound to the litre; thats almost N250 to 1 litre! Ha, I prefer Lagos o!
7. Barely have I seen company cars on the roads here unlike in Las Giddy, where almost 1 in 3 cars is a company car; neither does the amount of posh cars on jand roads compare to that on a typical Naija road. Naija tops the amount any day, any time!
8. I've been at the steering for a few days now and I was forced to 'wa ti eko fun won' once when I was stuck in traffic. One lane had a long queue, whilst the other remained practically empty because of those turning off! You can guess what I did next! Na Lagos fault o! The Brits are so lovingly traffic abiding! Just wait till you go to Naija!
Oh, and by the way, I've been opportuned to use my horn!
9. Day 139 - Had to pop into the bank. And its amazing how customer-centric the English have become. Even when you are cursing them, they are still smiling at you et al yet they are the biggest silent killers as far as I'm concerned. They give you the biggest smiles yet kill you softly whilst you are being mesmerised by their smiles. Meanwhile, we know customer service doesn't even exist in our lingua yet 'what you see is what you get'. What an irony of life!
10. Whilst at a family friend's place, the music being played suddenly stopped and the first thing that sprang to my mind and mouth was that 'Nepa' had struck. Now, thats the Naija effect! Nepa in jand? Yet, it was nothing like that, the music had only finished playing!
11. Partly watched a TV program the other day - 'How clean is your house'! The amount of filth and grime in this man's house was unprecedented and unbelievable. I was so horrified that I had goosebumps and had to run out of the lounge. Yet, we get reports that Naija is this and that. At least, over there its only a mad man you will see living in filth not sane human beings! No comment!
12. Didn't realise good ol' Eastenders was still on until I heard the famous tune as they were about to start one of the midweek episodes. After years of abstinence, I quickly discovered within a couple of minutes that it was still the same old story lines, the bullies still remained bullies, the geezer still remained the felon et al. Oh what a bore!
13. The weather has been terrible - seems like Autumn has bypassed Summer. I've been feeling the cold and having to wearing socks. In fact, I landed a cold and sore throat within a couple of hours of landing!
Conclusion: I miss my Las Giddy! Oh my God, did I just say that?
Thanks all and have a wonderful weekend!
Always & Always,
Lola - Reporting Live from the Land of the Bore!
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