Naija Week 11

Howdy Y'All,

Here's all I have for this week! Your comments will be most welcome at the blog site! Cheers!

1. Nigerians are oppressors! There are places you visit that you won't believe that you are in Naija! Even Oyinbo no say na the truth I dey tell!

2. Went to the cinema for the first time since I arrived in Las Giddy! It was an experience and definitely better than what you get in jand. The AC was so sharp I was chilled to the bones. Even the seats were heavenly!

3. Currently going through a challenge that I thought was only peculiar to jand! Na wa sha. God dey!

4. Lagos drivers seem subdued when driving at night!

5. I witnessed drrrrrrrrrrooooooooooollllllllllliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggggggg first hand! Dont ask me on what!

6. Day 51 - The heavens opened up on Monday morning! Saw an overturned Honda jeep on the 3rd Mainland Bridge. Traffic was chaotic. Some people got into work almost 2/3 hours late!

7. Cried for the 1st time since I came down on day 51. Just when I thought my tears well had dried up. Its all good sha!

8. Seen more plasma TVs here than in jand. Its in fashion in every nook and cranny! Also seen more designer accessories on people in Las Giddy than I ever did in jand! I tell you, everyone is almost a fashion police in their own right! Na so I go price one 'G' shoes for shop. I run comot when I heard the price and did pound conversion in my mind, yet this is what Naija babes buy daily like they are buying from 'Bata'!

9. Anyone for herbal remedies? 'Agbo' is hawked on the streets openly. Abeg forget 'Forever Living'!

10. Opened up the tear well again on day 52 - just kinda feeling down. I'm kool! Ended up at the cinema after work to diffuse.

11. Got a business call from one of our clients at 6am the other day. Can you imagine the abuse of time!

12. Naija redefines peer pressure. Peer pressure is on a different level here! Forget the kind of pressure they talk about in jand - they should come to Naija to get their definition!

13. I have not had a decent night sleep for almost two weeks now. Don't know why I'm awake by 2am most nights!

14. Picture this: Day 53. I had the 'unfortunate' reason of getting a cab to work - going downmarket as one of my faithful readers calls it. As soon as I got in, na swarm of 'yumuyumus' greet me! My God! Just when I thought my blood was now stale. Na so I come dey fight to kill and chase out as many as I could.

During the course of this trip, na so we come enter hold-up and sleep dey catch me. I com decide to answer nature call. As I dey snooze sha, na so one yeye man just come near my window dey beg for money. You should have seen how startled I was! I looked up to see a man with 'kata n furu - missing teeth' grinning at me and telling me sey e no bi tif o, but he jus wan make I help am with anytin I get! Sleep comot for my eyes quick quick! Ha! Na wa!

Also, after all the previous episodes of getting in a cab and my clothes turning black by the time I got to my destination, I decided to wear black all through for this journey! And guess what? It paid off, as I was wiping off layers of soot from my face and legs by the time I got to the office.

15. On my way into work, I saw some 'Oyinbos' in 'lala land' whilst being driven to their destination! In the same vein, I saw a 'police anti-bomb squad' vehicle'! Wetin dey happen o?

16. Still on day 53 on my way back from work, I got a lift from a colleague who dropped me off at Ikeja. I had to walk through Ikeja market or so, fearing a million and one okadas from hitting me; also fearing being pushed into gutters as I walked through to where I could board a cab. It was such a traumatic experience!

17. I have an unaccountable number of insect / mosquito bite marks on my body - downside of wearing sleeveless or any such. Its the most I've witnessed since I came to Las Giddy!

18. A friend mentioned how a 'danfo' driver continued driving with 3 tyres and a rim after one of the tyres flew off whilst on 3rd mainland bridge. Trust me, we get real stunts here in Naija!

19. Day 54: I just could not face going into work after yesterday's experience moreso after my brother dropped another bombshell.

20. He was robbed again this time around losing everything he had on him - his phones, good amount of cash, brand new Sony Vaio laptop which he is even yet to pay for, et al. Robbed in February; robbed in March again! The irony of this was that I had gone through the same spot about 30/40 minutes earlier and couldn't understand why there was such traffic at that time of the day! God is merciful!

What the heck is happening in this country of ours? There's less home robberies but more road robberies in Lagos now - there's been a spate of these lately! It grieved my heart. I was down and out; perplexed and distressed; pained and irked; which other grammar can I use to describe my feelings? It is well!

21. Went through 'Oshodi' for the first time in my life on Day 53! I thought all there was to it was just the market!

22. Its amazing what frustration will make you do! I tried to get a cab down to a shopping precinct just a few miles down the road. The cab drivers were quoting prices that they should spanked for - it was just ridiculous. So out of desperation, I went back home to take the car as a do or die affair. I had not driven since I came to Las Giddy - some of you know why! Moreso, I have not even tried driving righthand in almost 16years or so. So, I got in the car, fiddled with it and drove. Got to my destination in one piece, even hooted a few times for 'the nuisance Okadas' to move out of my way! I got back home in one piece although clipping my mirror when I was 30seconds from home. I suddenly felt empowered; my brother was proud of me!

23. Picture this: Day 55! Since I came, this week has been the only time I've observed the most of 'NEPA' supplied light. So when the generator went out of fuel this morning, much to my delighted prayer, NEPA was gracious to us within 5minutes. As I walked going 'downmarket', the street lights were on - it was glorious and nouveau experience! It felt surreal! In fact, as I approached the cab rank, I saw a cab come by and I whistled ' in the Naija way' to beckon to the driver - it worked; he stopped. He mentioned his price and I immediately halved it. He said no, so I called his bluff - do shakara; he called me back - another winner!

For a change, I didnt wait for a single second, so there was no opportuntiy for soot to descend on me unlike the other day. Also, because the roads were lit, it was easier to spot the cab unlike previous times, when you can only more or less spot cabs by virtue of them having headlights or not! Yes, thats true. If you are standing in a dim area, don't even bother trying to stop any vehicle with full lights on, it will never be a Las Giddy Cab! If you see a vehicle with little or no lights, then it is more than likely to be a cab!

Anyway, the cab was clean; the winders and the locks worked; the seats were still intact with similar upholstery - I know why I'm saying this - no be, iya o ba babatan! It even had a working radio cassette player, so the driver from time to time alternated between radio and playing songs from his collection! At every opportunity he had, he was on almost 120mph - my God, just when I thought my driver over-speeds at 80mph! In short, he was a cousin of the dare-devil drivers and I was having PA's! He meandered and meandered through traffic in an unbelievable manner. Then I com dey regret say I haggle to half price, becos e com be like say he dey try to hurry back make e make d money wey he no fit chop from me! His driving got me to work in 1hour and 5minutes - record breaking! Guess wat? Na 'Ibo' man o!

24. Lagos will make you a believer if you don't believe in God. You need God on a micro by micro second basis, because you suddenly realise at times that you are at the mercy of others!

25. Heard that two Nollywood actors - Francis Agu and Tom West died recently - very tragic!

26. Wrote out my first 7-digit cheque ever .. I don becom ................

In short, this has been the most emotionally trying and traumatic week for me since I came to Naija!

Enjoy your weekend!

Always & Always,

Lola

RLC (Real Life Content)

Naija Week 10

Hi Y’All,

I just can’t believe I’ve been here for 10weeks now! Na wa sha!

Enjoy!

1. I had a near encounter with an ‘area boy’ at the weekend. Thankfully, I had reached the safety of the car before he realised that I had out-smarted him - he didnt find it funny!

2. I went to see a comedy show at the weekend. It was really nice and theuraputic - I laughed my head off! Saw some of our ‘Nollywood’ celebs!

3. I went somewhere still at this weekend and AC dey blow for the toilet! Money dey for this Lagos sha! Nawaya o!

4. Picture this on Day 49 a.m - Na so I come dey hear kurukuru for the bin wey dey my room when I dey sleep. My people, na run I run comot for room go sleep for sitting room because one small ‘ekute’ don dey terrorise us for some time now. E no even gree eat the poison wey we put for ground but I don think sey e don chop am. So if e don chop am, wetin dey do kurukuru for bin this morning? Needless to say, that was the end to my sleep. Now I am tired and out of it at work!

5. Status don change! Now my car gets a clean everyday as compared with four times a year cleaning my old one got! Not cleaning your car daily in ‘Las Giddy’ as someone nicknamed Lagos is unimaginable!

6. Saw a convertible mini in Lagos - nothing ever gets past this place I tell you! Even Bentleys and Ford Focus dey here too! Anyone seen the latest Honda CRV - innovation with a vengeance! I no say na jand dey get all these moto last!

7. Had to do a demo on day 48. As I was talking to the audience, I mentioned the word ‘Bank Holidays’ and they all started laughing at me that I thought I was still in jand; that there is no such thing as bank holiday in Naija but ‘pubulik holiday’!

8. I went to yet another nice restaurant courtesy of Cisco. Ordered some food one of which was beans, it had carrots in it - can you imagine that, anything for USP; it was nice and different!

9. Day 49 - we were both the ‘hitter’ and ‘the hit’ on the way to and from work. Thank God for his mercies!

10. Most Las Giddy driving lesson vehicles are in a very sorry state. In short, you won’t even want to take lessons in them. The cars I’ve seen thus far cannot even be described as mangled but extremely mangled out of shape, description and colour!

11. Saw a brand new armoured vehicle the other day - ’twas on its way to Ajah where there’s been severe land dispute feud. So all you land owners in Ajah, be careful and beware!

12. Fancy filling up your car petrol tank with 15 pounds? Then take a hike to Naija!

13. Picture this: 2 goats, 1 passenger and 1 motorcyclist driver all on an Okada! This can only happen in Naija! You are missing out o! Heya, make una begin book your ticket now, now!

Thats all for now for Week 10! Have a splendid weekend!


Always & Always,
Lola

Naija Week 9

Howdy Y’all,

Looking forward to your comments!

1. Had 3 square meals for the 2nd time in 8 weeks over the weekend! Still talking about the weekend, I was at my Uncle’s and his estate had electricity supply for almost the entire duration of my visit, except for about 15minutes of downtime. I just couldn’t believe my eyes that NEPA could be so kind! It turns out that some top-shots live in the estate hence the reason why residents are enjoying almost UPS! Fingers no equal o. Now me sef wan defect to this estate o !

2. Heard that PHCN (new name for NEPA) means Problem Has Changed Name! Very true! Just changed name but service is at its crappiest level ever!

3. Also heard that PDP means People Deceiving People and AC means Alliance for Corruption! No comment!

4. Picture this: for the life of me, I don’t recollect how I remembered the name ‘Akpan’ and ‘Eze’ (Eze goes to School!)! Does anyone still name their child ‘Akpan’ these days? Everybody dey do Jordan, JayZ, David, Nathan! Why you jand people no dey name your child Akpan? U dey opt for funky name! Don’t forget your root o!

5. Had the unnecessary reason to take a cab for a seminar on Day 41. By the time I got to my destination which should have technically taken 15minutes, it took 3 sheets of moist tissue paper to wipe my face and neck clean from black to an acceptable colour, till the next shower time! My shirt was not anywhere near the colour it was when I wore it! Ridiculous! I shouldn’t have even bothered having a shower before setting out!
Cab Rule #1 - Never wear any light coloured fabric. Stick to the blacks, greys or dark blues; the dirt acquired during your cab ride will not be very evident!

6. Seeing ‘foreigners’ on Okada is suddenly no longer a shocking sight for me! Saw one the other day where both the driver and passenger were foreigners!

7. Picture this: Day 41 seminar. The seminar was held at the Sheraton. At 12noon, people were still strolling in for a seminar that started at 8.30am. Mobile phones were a constant distraction! During the tea break, I saw a chap using his teaspoon to drink his tea, I mean feeding himself! Also saw another drink his tea with the spoon in the cup and when he was done he poured what had found its way onto the saucer back into the cup and drank it! Lunch time was buffet time - my God, buffet is never a good idea in a Naija setting. People ignored the starters and went straight for mountains on their plates. It was an alarming sight! Then I overheard probably one of the hotel managers that they were only expecting 20 participants but that there were almost double that number. Look like say some people don do ‘mo gbo, mo ya’! Na wa ya o. Some Naija people just lack the word ‘etiquette’, but then I can’t blame them etiquette na french word!

8. Had a first bout of ill-health - better now! But men, the realisation of not having my beloved GP to run to hit me for the first time since I came here! I miss jand o!

9. You can spot an ‘authentic’ Lagos chic by the state of the heels of her footwear! I have seen some sorry sights!

10. I’ve come to know more places in Lagos in two months than I ever did before I left for jand! Blame my folks! Now I know Obalende, Sandgrouse, Oyingbo et al.

11. Heard these surnames: Anishulowo (We get money for hand; habi na We get yam for hand?) and Owobamirin (Money dey walk with me / Money dey waka with me)! Nawa o! Talk about literal names!

12. Radio Ibon on Day 43! A whole ‘Dan Foster’ said …..’He should have came to Lagos’…. I think say he don undergo proper Naija baptism! Haba, a whole ‘Americana dey blow ibon for radio!

13. One of my days these week was a very quiet one. I was down and out; stressed and without energy; fighting ill-health; lacked the zeal for work and felt utterly demotivated. At the end of the day, one of my team members said he would pray extra hard for me that night so that I would start cracking them up again at the office; another said he wanted the ‘bubbly’ me back; another said the whole office was not the same without me; another said I livened up the place and that my quietness made everyone else quiet. I think Naija has turned me to a noise maker o! All this one about being quiet, a bi introvert keh! Which of you people out there no agree with me?

14. Its only in this Lagos that you will see lorries carrying huge containers without restrain! So it wasn’t surprising to hear that one turned on its side onto some cars during the week! May God help us!

15. Day 44 - heard a radio presenter or so refer to ‘Illegal Immigrants’ as ‘Illegal Aliens’! Hmmm, na person don become alien because dem dey for someone else country! Habi, dem don change body component too?

And thats it for this week. Have a splendid weekend!

Keeping it real in Naija!


Its moi, Lola!

Naija Week 7

Read on!

1. Lagos now has a BRT lane (don’t even know what it stands for) - equivalent of our bus lane in jand and motorists are meant to steer clear of the lane. So far, I am yet to see them enforce the lane to be motorist-free. There aren’t enough lanes or roads and they are trying to imbibe western culture. Where is the sense in common-sense?
Did I just hear myself say I am beginning to get used to Lagos traffic? Hmmmmmmmmmm!

2. Saw a man using a cup to get water out of the gutter to bathe. Really sad!

3. Saw a massive crowd somewhere on Sunday only to discover that it was the Chelsea vs Arsenal match that they were watching with keen attention, covering the road in the process. Hepele o Gunners!

4. My brother was robbed on Sunday before noon, on his way to Ogbomosho to write his semester exams. The robbers were disguised as police officers. Whilst every dime on him and his friend were taken, none of their belongings or even mobile phones were taken. His friend got some severe beaten however. Thank God for his mercies - there’s always room for thanksgiving in all situations.

5. One of my work people was robbed on her way to work on day 31 around 7am. Everything in her possession was stolen. The robber was disguised as an okada driver. What a way to start the week!
In all of these, I choose to remain unmoved and continue to trust God for his protection!

6. In the same vain, just heard that three of my other work colleagues from a different department were robbed last Friday. The car in front of them was being attacked so they fled their car in desperation leaving everything to the whims of the dare-devil okada robbers. It is well indeed!

7. My Oga took off to lahlah land this afternoon - day 33. If Oga dey sleep, wetin omoshe go do? Answer = omoshe go go toilet go snooze too. Dat na wetin I do o my people wen d sleep refuse to comot from my eyes!

8. We now have new N5, N10, N20 & N50 notes. I can’t say that they look fab!

9. Paid my first employee salary at month end. That just means I’m now a fully certified ‘madam’!

10. You need to see the state of the ’so-called’ Lagos rescue vehicles! When in action, you will wonder who is supposed to be rescuing who! The vehicles are derelict! They look like an amalgamation of rejects!

11. Went for a meeting mid week and this chap asked me if I was a marketer or technical. I said I was technical. He couldn’t believe it and more or less started arguing with me. I told him his comments were chauvinistic and that looks were very deceptive. He asked for what I studied, what certifications I had, where I studied - in short a million and one questions. My boss had to interject in his native tongue to tell him a thing or two about my expertise! What a male dominated …..!

12. Bought a pack of cereal for brekkie and it only lasted for 4 days! I just can’t account for its whereabouts! Yeah right!

13. Got home the earliest ever on day 33 at 6.30pm. My sister-in-law was so panicked when she saw me - her first question was to find out if something was wrong! Such is Lagos traffic and what it does to your psychic!

14. Saw an Oyinbo man driving with a Naija passenger by his side! E be like say dey don dey reverse role small small!

15. Experienced my first hit and run. A car hit us on day 33 and before any of us in the car could say jjjjjaaaaccckkk…., he drove off. I was mad! Not so much because of the damage but because he acted like we were stupid. He has definitely sown a very, very bad seed!

16. Picture this: day 35! A radio presenter saw an ad in a newspaper. It was a gigolo that had placed the ad for his services, so they decided to wind him up. Remember a few backs when I said that there were corporate gigolos in Naija! Anyway, one of the ladies at the station called him up on air and asked about his services - he was very explicit, some comments had to be censored; the cost - about N50k per night; clientele - apparently alot of patronage and so on. He even screamed on air to demonstrate levels of pleasure! Eventually the male presenter came onto the conversation pretending to be the ladies husband. She told him to lie that he was her business supplier and the guy lied so seamlessly - it was surreal. Then they decided to let him know it was a wind up so he hung up quickly. Later on they called him back for closure to find out why and what had driven him to this business. This guy is a graduate of Marketing and feels that he is providing a service with no moral obligation! That it is not illegal and also not hurting anyone. This is what Naija has become!

17. Still on day 35 - had a lady presenter announce on air that they will be going offline shortly because of a need to do a power supply change-over! NEPA / PHCN is just a national disgrace. I have totally given up now on the idea of having power supply when I’m at home or in the office! Na wa o!

18. My Gawd! I saw some cats in a house compound on the Island. These cats are the skinniest I have ever seen in my life. They looked like they were on ’Aitkins’ diet! Dis na the only explanation I fit give!

Thats all folks. Been a trying week! 7 weeks in Naija now and still counting! Have a splendid weekend!


Take care as always.
Lola