Naija Week 19

Howdy Y'all?

Here's Week 19!

Happy Reading!

1. I went out over the weekend and got caught up in road closures because 'Obj' was coming to or going through the Island. Na wa o! Then I began to wonder if that is how they close up all the roads in jand when good ol' Tony is passing through!

2. Wanted to replace my broken wheel spanner and was amazed at the different versions of wheel spanner that were presented to us. It was shocking - Original, Fake, Tokunbo, Local make et al. Just had to make a choice eventually - God help us in the hour of usage need!

3. Does anyone still remember Allenburys Glucose D, Iodine, Dr Brown Sanitary Towel (you won't believe that it is still in that gross looking coloured packaging!

4. Can you believe that on a very bad network day, if you send out text messages in Las Giddy, it may come back undelivered after 3/4 days. So, lesson number 1 - never assume your recipient has received the text message; be mindful before you start to accuse them of not responding!

5. Met a lady who'd finally decided to stay in Las Giddy after absconding back to jand thrice in the past. This time around she plugged her daughter into school and made some other financial commitments so that when the going gets tough she will stick it through! I'm applauding myself here o!

6. I've succeeded in visiting a 'Bukka' without any 'repercussions'! Hurray! But then that can only mean one thing - I'm becoming (but not become truly 100%) Nigerianised!

7. I went to the saloon for a well deserved manicure and pedicure and almost had the cuticle / skin on my big toe slashed off! The pedicurist couldn't even offer an apology after the incidence. It wasn't until her 'Oga' intervened a few times and I commented because I was in pain and also irked! For this, she got some 'Igbaruns' from her Oga because by now she was also now very embarrased by the whole saga!

You will think the episode will catch me a free deal but nay! Full pay was collected o, even after my poor toe continued to bleed for over an hour! Ha, I miss jand and its compensation culture!

8. I finally and truly found 'imported' Ribena, since I arrived here in Las Giddy! The price quoted sent me reeling in anger; I ran away from the shop. The price for the 2litre bottle I saw is the price you would pay for the 5litre bottle in jand. I couldn't see myself paying that price so I'm still Ribena-less; perhaps maybe one day soon enough, I will stop the # and Naira conversion; shame my brain is still on reflex on this conversion matter!

9. Day 91 - my car was hit on the side I was sat by a danfo driver. Luckily, the door wasn't really affected and I was unaffected too! The danfo however felt the impact more! I gave the driver a tongue-lashing!

10. Still on day 91 - I got home and there was no water neither was there electricity. As matter of fact there's hasn't been electricity supply for four days in a row now even up to the time of this writing. Anyway, luckily I had a bucket semi filled with water so I had a good ol' shower leaving just a bit left.

11. Day 92 - Picture this! I awoke thinking those essential supplies would have been back on but alas there was still no water or light and I had to go to work! Thank God o sey I go boarding school - never thought those boarding school skills where ever going to be needed in modern day life. Na so I wake up and I wan use toilet and clean my body too but water no dey. Na so I use only two bowls of water take my bath and use toliet with no water to flush. I tell you Lagos is humbling!

After I almost finished work for the day, na im my Oga come tell me say dey wan me to come dinner with some of our strategic partners wey don come town. I tell my Oga say I no wan go bcos dey tell me very late; I come even tell am say I no bath come work bcos water no dey for house. Dey just laff at me sha.

Anyway, I enjoyed the dinner well, well! Na Pearl Garden we go. There were 11 men to just 1 lady (moi) at the table for the greater part of the evening until another lady joined us. When they asked me if I was intimidated by the number of men around the table, I said to them that I was absolutely not intimidated by their numbers! Na so so, money, money and dollar, dollar we talk about all evening. Dis people sef, dats all dey know!

12. Day 93 & 94 - Let me gloat abit here jare! Was taken to lunch by some friends - one to Yellow Chillies and the other to a place where I had a great pounded yam and efo egusi session - unfortunately didn't catch the name of the restaurant!

13. Day 94 - Saw a man with an extended chin, the extension was like the size of a baby's head. The irony of this scene was that he wasn't begging but trekking along with three other people chatting away and minding their own business! Except of course he was on his way to his favourite spot! In the same vain, I've seen some human deformities that I can't begin to explain or describe - saw a man on Day 95 whose skin was worse than an Albino with a missing eye socket; saw another shortly after whose skin had been touched up by fire! I've wondered how these people incurred such injuries and deformities - just so shocking, it makes you grateful to God.

14. Day 95 - Had police trouble today! Went for funeral and was going in an entourage. As the others made a U-turn, we did just the same only for the police to stop the car saying we'd just taking a wrong turn. Meanwhile, they'd allow the others to go without stopping anyone except us - perhaps because I didn't look dressed for a funeral. On pointing out the sign, there's no way anyone would have noticed the sign except you know the area very well. The sign had been bleached by rain - seemed like the sign had been there since the days of President Murtala M!

Anyway, after talking and much talking all sorts, they requested for the drivers licence. Eventually he succumbed to it. The policeman now left the car, with the driver tagging behind him. Prior to this, the policeman had asked indirectly for a bribe (called it a fine), when I offered him what I was willing to give, he reckoned it was little. The painful thing for me about the whole saga was that my car was just stopped to 'jeun / chop' - they'd literally passed the other cars; more importantly, I'd completely missed a chunk of the ceremony I wanted to attended.

I had to drive off myself leaving the driver there, to see whether I could redeem what was left of the ceremony. Later I came back for the driver, whose licence was eventually released after the officer that took it initially decided to go AWOL on another 'duty'! Frustrating! Got back to the office at 4pm, with my shirt and face looking very harrassed and filthy!

Thats all folks for this week. Do keep the comments coming to the blog site, spread the site details and even the emails!

Have a pleasant weekend!

Thanks again for your readership, its kinda making life bearable for me in Las Giddy!

Always & Always,

Lola (Real Life Content)

Naija Week 18

Hiya,

Sorry for the delay; I got a bit under the weather towards the end of last week, hence why I couldn't publish it on Friday as usual! Was battling severe stress moving to Naija; possible malaria outbreak and the effects of driving through that manic traffic for 2 days!

Thank you all so much for the readership and encouragement. Its amazing how many responses I don't get when published, yet get when I fail to publish as scheduled on Fridays! Thanks a bunch and do keep the comments coming via emails and more importantly to the blog site!

Love Y'All!

Enjoy!

1. In a typical Las Giddy traffic jam you can make the following purchase: you can buy something to freshen your breath; food to eat like bread and butter; sponge to bathe; clothes to wear; slippers for footwear; drinks to quench your thirst; books to read; towel and hankies to wipe sweat; wristwatch for timekeeping; nightgown for napping; fruits for balanced diet; something to beautify your abode; toys and games for the family; iron and ironing board for fresh looks; do charitable works - alms giving; all these in one traffic spot! If you can buy all these in traffic, why bother going to the stores! In short, you can get everything you need to survive/ live from a Lagos traffic! This can only happen in Naija!

2. As some of you know, I've been having some driving health challenges for a while now, hence the non-attempt to even brace the 'Lagos' traffic for any reason. Anyway, I was all dressed up for church service to discover that the driver had not turned up. On the 2nd attempt at calling him he answers my call. I asked where he was and he told me categorically that 'he was in his house resting'! He'd decided to give himself the day off and didn't even have the decency to let me know or even ask if it was ok. So, here I was confused whether I should 'fashy' church or take a cab. I even tried to call the old office driver but he was nowhere near me. In anger and desperation, I told myself that I was going to drive down and that that was the last time any driver will hold me to ransom in Lagos! So, drove I! I went to church and even went elsewhere after wards before heading home. The irony of this trip was that one of the things that had put me off Las Giddy driving was the manic driving. As soon as I hit the highway when I was going in the morning, vehicles began to turn back on themselves. I was panic stricken wondering what was going on. As I wanted to turn back too, I tried to convince myself that perhaps God didn't want me to make the journey but I knew that if I turned back, it will take alot more time and effort to summon up the courage again. So I kept at it, drove through the chaos and got to church. Strangely the service started late which worked out to my advantage.

So it was with this courage that when the back up driver and regular driver didn't show up on 'critical' Monday morning that I got in the car and psyched myself that I was driving to work. I initially considered all my options - take a cab and get my white shirt blackened before I got to work, get beaten by rain et al . And thats what I did! I maintained one lane all through stuck at 50 kmh; so when a BRT bus came hooting for me to get off the lane - I just remained dignified and did not move away.

I'm sure they were all cursing me by the time the driver finally decided to overtake me, after I put on my hazard lights and stopped moving! Did just the same on Tuesday too when the driver still didn't show up!

I made it to work and back in one piece. Thank God! Never take anything for granted, even the smallest of chores in life!

3. Oh, I forgot to mention also that on the unforgettable Day 84 last week, my day started off with my one and only handset dropping into aqua first thing in the morning. It took half the day to finally revive it - thank God for Sony Ericcson make! Thats the only reason I've stuck with this make for so long - seems to bounce back well from dropping in fluids (notice I used the word fluid - you sure do not want to know where else my phones have dropped in the past)!

4. Picture this: Rat poison advertisers usually carry 'dead rats' to advertise their wares in Las Giddy traffic! Very unsightly! Anything goes here to make a sale!

5. Ha, na so, d oga patapata com send one yeye email wey vex me and my oga on Day 87! Anyway, wen e com see say na anger make im send d email and dat e for no even use dat tone, na im e com invite me and two of my oga go restaurant. We go chop lunch for OceanView o! I com tell myself say make d oga dey vex all d time jare so dat he go dey take us go OceanView to render im apology! Don't you just love Naija for what it stands for!

6. Naija fashion don humble me o. Be rest assured someone, somewhere in Naija has at least a precious item you may have in your wardrobe! I used to thrive on knowing that my stuffs were exclusive, but men, the amount of things that were exclusive to me in jand is not exclusive here o! Babes dey shop!

7. Can you picture or remember this? The heavens opened up during the week and guess what sounds I heard as I went past some ponds? Sounds of croaking frogs and toads - I'm sure some of you don't even remember that these animals still exist!

8. Was I complaining about being fined last week for taking the 1-way? Guess what, I witnessed someone's brand new car being towed about 7.30am on Day 88! It was not a funny sight nor conversation going on between the occupants of the vehicle and enforcement / towing agents. Thank God for his mercies - someone else is usually worse off in every situation we moan about!

9. Witnessed yet another brawl - in fact, two this time around; there seems to be a lot of that going on at the moment, habi now S.A.D?

Anyway, the interesting thing about one of the brawls on Day 89 was that one of the men began to hold his 'manhood' - no kidding! It was like he was about to use it as his weapon of war. If I was going to translate the saga, here would be my take on it: I felt the guy was using the possible size of his manhood to threaten the other guy on how mercilessly he was about to fail or win the fight! Or, he could have been swearing, using it as his point of oath; or cursing him; or rubbishing the other guy's masculinity! Only God knows!

And thats it folks! Have a pleasurable week!

Always & Always,

Lola (Still here 'Keeping It Real'!)

Naija Week 17

Howdy,

Here's Week 17 report! Apologies for the lateness - just didn't have enough time to put it together on Friday!

Comments welcome on the blog site! Cheers!

Enjoy!

1. Had a demo / presentation the other day and one of the Consultants (from 1 of the top 5 firms) pronounced Cisco as 'Shishco'. All efforts to get him to call it right was unsuccessful! This same man has some serious 'ila' (marks on his face). I didn't know people were still defaced in recent times! Na wa o!

2. Witnessed another brawl! This time around it was between two drivers, with one of them carrying some Chinese occupants. The poor people just watched on as these duo brawled on!

3. Bought my first 'pirated' DVD from a shop. It was a step taken out of fear of dying of boredom and I was nowhere near a place I could buy an original I think! In fact, there seems to be more of such around than anything else! You see DVDs of films yet to be shown or currently showing at the cinemas being hawked. Familiar sights are 12 in 1; 8 in 1; 6 in 1 DVDs! Never saw a 12 in 1 DVD before! The irony of it is the visual and sound clarity; even the subtitles are grammatically right!

4. Ha! Confession time! Had 3 bottles of Malta Guiness on a chill-out-evening over a 3-hour period! Never had that much before in one day! Truly record breaking for me!

5. Money gets expended so easily in Naija and at times or even most times, you won't be able to put your finger on where the money has gone!

6. Did I mention to you that the 'bestest' porridge I've had so far has been from Muchies? Oh, yes, from Munchies; so much so that I'm always mad at them when I go for lunch and they are out of it! In the same light, one of the worst places for customer service is TFC! I tell you, its non-existent in most places here. The attendant can abuse you; even gate man sef fit abuse you if you no take care!

7. Day 82 - was able to sign to MSN from the office after 4months of trying and giving up! Oh, what things I took for granted in jand!

8. Observation: Most places where refuse is being dumped in Las Giddy is where signs are erected saying 'Strictly no dumping of refuse'! What an irony! Seems like the culprits enjoy defying authority! Well, its either that or they are not paying their 'Council tax'!

9. Picture this - what do you do when you are in motion and your driver says e wan piss? Obviously, you give him the chance to express himself. So, he gets down to piss and comes back to the car to continue driving with you knowing fully well that he hasn't washed his hands and you are next in line to get in the car to drive it when he's gone! Well, I chose to pass on the driving!

10. Twice this week, I was home at 6.45pm (left work at 5pm) on Monday and Friday - never happened since I came! The earliest I've ever been was at 6.30pm and then my household were worried that something must have gone wrong for me to get home that early! Took me three hours to get home for the remaining nights!

11. Day 84 - Picture this:

At 6.40am, witnessed another mass transit bus ablaze on the famous bridge! 'Twas completely engulfed!

At 2.30, was going to lunch and then for a customer meeting and inadvertently took a 1-way. Needless to say, we were caught and the traffic people razed to get the driver to stop! Because of his slowness however, the tyres were close to being punctured by the nail devices they had ready made. Luckily, the driver got his act together and stopped to prevent the nails from puncturing the tyres! Anyway, before I knew what was happening, one the wardens got in the car and started shouting blah, blah. He asked for the drivers licence. He asked if he was a first time offender and when he answered yes, he was told that he would take his licence details for registration at their office so that his details can be noted if he re-offends anywhere within the Island.

Before we got to their office, the driver tried a few times to persuade the guy to stop for us to 'negotiate' but it fell on deaf ears. Then I wondered if it was the driver who was going to pay the bribe or myself since he'd decided to become a negotiator! I offered my drivers licence details to be taken down and presented rather than the drivers details to prevent any punishment that may cost him his livelihood. Anyway, as soon as we got to their office, it was almost like some eye-contact had been made with the others. People swarmed round, whilst someone else took the car details down. We got down and before I knew what was happening, the guy that brought us had disappeared whilst someone handed me a fine. Before then however, I saw it coming that they will request for the car keys and knowing the drivers slowness (especially from the army experience 2 weeks ago), I had quickly taken it off him. Lo and behold they started demanding for the car keys. I said it was with me since I own the car and not the driver. They then threatened to puncture all the tyres. I told them I needed to go to the bank to get money for the fine! They said I should write a cheque for the driver to go and cash it. I said I wasn't doing that! I got angry and left to sit in the car. Then I called my manager to send me some money as I didnt have enough on me for the fine. Whilst waiting for the money to be delivered, some chaps came to me again wanting to make shakara blah, blah. As I explained to the calmer one that I was waiting for the fine money, he told the other one to calm down and they left. It turns out they had contemplated puncturing all the tyres throughout the time I was sat in the car. When I had the payment, I went and dumped it on their desk and walked off. They called back for me to wait for the receipt but I didn't budge or look back, so they got the driver to come for it.

As I sat pondering what had just happened, I was glad for two reasons - met an official who didn't want a bribe for the 1st time. I was at fault, so I had to pay the penalty - fair enough. Secondly, though the fine was high by Naija standards, I quickly remembered how high speeding or bus lane fines can be in jand! What I however didn't like was the warden's fib to get us to the station. He should have clearly stated that he was taking us in to be fined rather than saying the driver will only be cautioned. Las Giddy for you o!

I stilll went to have my porridge with the last change on me before heading for my meeting, as I was determined not to let the experience mar my day! You won't believe that by the time I was going past the route again, traffic was bi-directional!

At 5.35pm, as I sat in traffic on my way home, I just saw some grubby hands grab my window asking me to produce N5k or else. The guy had something tucked up on the inside of his pants that he pointed my attention to - didnt know whether it was a real or fake gun, knife or stick. In innocence and reality of my situation plus reflex, I yelled back that I didn't have N5k, since I had used all the money on me to pay the fine. As soon as I said this, I just quickly wound up the window (which was only slightly open). As I shouted to the driver to move the car, the guy left. I looked to see where he was going or if there was more of them or something; he continued to look at me as I stared back too until he disappeared. Then it dawned on me that that was an attempted robbery attack! Thank God for his mercies and faithfulness! Then I began to shake!

Meanwhile, during a conversation on Friday morning, it turned out that a lady I was offering a lift to work for the week, who hadn't show up on Thursday morning at the designated pick up spot had been robbed that morning on her way to meeting up with me. Everything on her was snatched by some Okada riders.

That was the summary of my Thursday - Day 84!

Have a splendid, fulfilling and terrific week. Keep holding on and never give up!

Week 18 coming up!

Always & Always,

Lola

Naija Week 16

Hi Y'All,

Thank God for another week ending! Here's the highlights for my 4th month in Naija! Yes, 4 months tomorrow in Las Giddy! Its been trying times I tell you but hey I guess they say there's no place like home! Hmm!

Thanks for the emails of encouragement to keep the blogs coming! Here it is for Week 16!

Enjoy!

1. Picture this - Went out before 8am last Saturday before the commencement of the 8am to 5pm 'voting curfew' - its only in Naija that you have to literally budget a whole month or more for voting and still have outstanding issues after all that t ime allocation! Anyway, as I was 2minutes to my destination, we got to a junction full of army officials flagging down vehicles et al.

One of them came to my window and asked where I was going, I innocently replied that I was going down the road to see a friend for the day. Then he started shouting for the driver to park the car and give him the key. E say, we go stay there till 5 o'clock, say next time wen govment say make people no comot from their house, dey go obey the rules blah blah. He took the car key, in fact he removed it from the ignition without waiting for the driver. So I just got down and stood on one side. As I stood there, others where being accosted and told to park their cars once they seem not to have a 'valid' reason for movement.

In the same vain, some okadas and vehicles where allowed to drive on - I saw some people just literally wave their 'hands' or something and where allowed to go. Flashing siren vehicles - marked and unmarked went past whilst ordinary people like us waited helplessly. I saw them beat people up with kobokos, even an old man because he was arguing with them - they were on the verge of deflating his tyres until another army man intervened. Then my driver tried to have a word with one of them, and he came back saying they were asking for 'settlement' - told my driver I didnt have any money to pay anyone. Then two okada men were told to stop. On stopping, their leader told these men to lie in muddy, grimmy water on the road, after kicking them around abit. I couldn't believe my eyes as I thought it was all shakara at first. The okada men first sat in the infested water and I thought that would be the end but they were told to lie in a supine position in it. The height of inhumanity - I was horrified to the bones.
Suddenly, I realised that the people that had been rounded up where leaving the place gradually - I guess after 'settling' them!

As I stood there waiting 40minutes on and silently praying, I knew there was no part of the 'animals' psyche that was worth appealing too! A sight I didn't want to witness was them shooting in the air for any reason! Then their leader called me. He said I was already frowning even before he said anything to me. Me? Frown keh, with animals in sight armed to the teeth! I told him I wasnt frowning blah, blah, that I was sorry I was on the road at 8am but that I was only a couple of minutes away from my destination. I told him I came home to serve my country and that this was the treatment being meted for being late by 2minutes. Then he asked, where I'd come from - I told him. Then he said he would let me go only because I apologised and that I should give his boys and himself 'something' and then I could be off. So I dug into my bag and gave him the money I had on me. My first 'bribe' in Naija!

As we got back in the car, he told me that I could leave my destination before 5pm that he would let me go through when coming back - I told him that it was ok but that I will wait till the curfew lifted but as he insisted I just agreed to it. Then I asked him if I could plead for the men still lying in the muddy water; my God you should have seen the way the animal changed his eyes! He blurted out asking me to repeat myself and that we should park the car blah, blah; then one of his officers said that I wanted to cry for them. I guess when he realised that his oga was about to blow off or something he winked at me from behind not to say anything. I told him it was nothing and was eventually let off.

On getting to my destination, I first had to let out the tears that had welled up in my eyes firstly for the inhumanity I had just witnessed and secondly for the experience. This na real wa o!

2. My Uncle was robbed last week - twice in two months. He was a second away from home and decided to make some essential purchase at 9.15pm before going into his estate. Whilst he and others were being robbed in the store, they heard gunshots outside. An 18year old was hit and killed, whilst his driver was shot at thrice but his 'amulet' prevented penetration. So in desperation and probably annoyance, one of the robbers went to fetch a machete and hacked me on his head. By the time my Uncle emerged from the store oblivious of what had gone on outside, his driver was drenched in blood saying to him 'oga dey don kill me o'! He was rushed to a nearby hospital and now recovering - thank God. The reason of his attack was because he was trying to prevent them from taking my Uncle's car - but they eventually succeeded in nicking the 6-month old car which is yet to be found. One of the things that spooked me about this incidence was that I was at the vicinity of this / even in this same store when I was at his place at the weekend - there on Friday, robbed on Tuesday!

However, the irony of Naija is that people quickly dust off their bad experiences and move on with life; needless to say I was abit miffed for some days when I heard of the incidence!

Thank God for his ever faithful mercies!

3. Saw a molue at Obalende load up passengers then reverse back onto 3rd mainland bridge, in order not to have to go ahead to turn round as appropriate. Reversal into a busy bridge! Twice I've seen the same molue do just this! Where is the word safety in all of this! Doesn't exist!

4. There's been a dramatic improvement in electricity supply at home since the elections took place. Looks like it was a pre-election punishment of the 'mekunnu' (common-man)!

5. Day 76 - Witnessed a bloody street-brawl in daylight between a driver in a company car and someone else! This is were you say - 'odiqwa very serious in Ibo'! Yes o, learning to speak Ibo by attempting to master a new word / phrase every day!

6. Day 78 - Whilst stuck in traffic going home at night, I saw some policemen in their van all decked up in black 'ray ban' sunglasses! Here's me staring at them wondering what they could see in the dark armed with their guns! Talk about fashion statement on another level!

7. I personally think that there's more European footie madness with Naija people than their counterparts over there. You should see the way people react when matches are on, how they gather around roads / stores to watch matches and then commentate after the match is over! Unbelievable! You will think that they get paid for their interests or opinions!

8. Most banks in Naija have a colour code! The most the men can wear in certain banks are white and blue shirts; whilst the women are limited to the greys, blacks, browns and one or two pastel colours of these world! What an injustice! In fact, I had someone tell me that you'll get turned back to go home from the gate if you turn up in an 'un-supported' colour. My God, can I work in such an environment? Also, you can't have colours other than black in your hair! Now you know it will take the absolute grace of God for me to be able to work in such an environment! Some of you know what I'm on about - I think I will just fall sick from having my usual 4/5 coloured corn-row hairstyles down to a boring black colour! Really an injustice to creativity!

9. On a lighter note - some toasters are becoming very daring these days! They've never known or met you before yet they begin to refer to you at the point of toasting 'as the love of their life'! Surely, there's something I'm missing here or am I that out of the game?

Yep, there are some on the go but none of interest, so keep the prayers up my people :)

10. Guess, what I saw the other day? Phensic! Didn't even know it still existed! Then there's Omo, Blue-Band still going. Another observation is that I've heard a few Okada cyclist blasting 'Apala' music whilst in motion! Now, thats Naija for real!

Take care all and have a fantastic weekend. May God continue to keep us all safe and sound!

Always as Always,

Lola in Las Giddy Keeping It Real!