1. My colleagues have mastered the act of binge cramming braindumps and passing top exams without ever seeing or working with the applications they’ve study for. One person sat and passed four exams within a week. I certify them with MSc & MBA Crams! African wonders! I tell you this can only happen in Naija!
2. Experienced the baptism of NEPA. They just gave me welcome grace last week. This weekend was so bad I thought I might be going to work in leather pants and top since it wont require any ironing.
3. Had a manicure and pedicure for N700. Abeg, calculators dey begin calculate how much dat one go be for jand!
4. I had the privilege of seeing a ‘white’ man eat like a Naija black man the other day. Boy o boy! This same man has a life time dream of riding the Okada in Lagos! Can you imagine the death wish at his hand! He won die quick quick! On another note, I saw a suited up man picking up passengers on his Okada - must be his second or evening job! He even had an helmet on! Bravo!
5. Phew, I experienced my first road rage on day 6, on my way to work. Lawless drivers being irked by tasting a dose of their own medicine! Forgot to mention - Used the seat belt on day 1 and was left with dust and dirt marks on my ‘newly launched dress-shirt’ on my first day at work. Imagine! Thank God for ‘Tesco’s moist tissue’!
6. For the first time in a week, the driver used his indicator! I was so shocked, as I thought he didnt use it because it was non-functional!
7. Naija drivers are lane phobic - they drive in between lanes. Driving within your designated lanes gets the horn maniacs bleating! They even curse you!
8. Oh deafness, I’m surprised that that is not our national ailment derived from the constant buzz of generators. Oh Lord please help me keep my ears intact so that I can hear you O! I sure need my ears in this place.
9. Hayaya! The inevitable happened on day 2 o! The thing wey I don dey dread come come upon me. Toilet use! Na so my bele com dey pain me o for afternoon. I no know wetin I go chop. Ha, ino funny o. I come dey pray to God 2 send the pain away. Prayer no gree. As I remember the toilet wey I go go use, the bele come pain me more. I sha decide to go use am like dat, but person go dey use am too. Double wahala! I come remember say, one person don mention say, one toilet (Oga toilet) dey upstairs, na so I com raise there o with my toilet paper (not posh tissue). Ha, God good sha! The toilet no kampe but men imbeta the one wey dey downstairs o. Who say posh no dey won use toilet? Thank you Lord!
10. I ‘think’ I’ve just seen the effects of someone being jazzed!
11. There’s an ongoing artificial fuel scarcity in a naturally oil producing country! What an irony!
12. I got home at almost 10pm on day 6, hungry and exhausted after being disappointed by the driver. My observation is that Lagosians dont have the concept of time management - its a taboo!
13. Took my first solo cab ride to the office on day 7 after a disappointment by the driver. The dashboard was pitch black and I could not make out the make, let alone model of the car I was in. Ironically however, the driver very calm and was very lane disciplined - the first ever driver that I’ve observed with this attitude. Became sleepy but had to keep my eyes wide open for fear of being jazzed!
14. I saw a 3.5 lane road become a 7-lane road at the peak of traffic. Magical!
15. My first official toast was on day 7. Mr toaster by the name Mr John summoned the boldness to ask for my name after staring at me at Shoprite for over ten minutes as I queued to pay for my lunch. I told him I was nameless and mobile phoneless when he asked for my details even though I was holding my phone with my left hand. He found it quite funny. I made the effort not to be nasty as I’d been warned before leaving jand not to do so.
16. On day 7, I was told by a chap at a bank meeting I went for that I didnt look like a Nigerian. He was so taken aback when he heard my name. If I dont look Nigerian, who do I look like then? Habi, na rap line wey I dey too slow to catch up on?
17. I’ve had more headaches since I came to Lagos last week than I’ve had for the whole of 2006!
18. Just discovered bay leaf in my meat pie. Yuck!
19. Had to take a cab back home on day 7 after work, seeing the driver failed to answer my calls. Felt even more sleepy and fought the fight of sleep to keep my eyes open. All that echoed in my mind was my sister-in-law’s warning not to sleep in a cab or sit the front with the cab driver nor even converse with them. Sleep keh, in Lagos? Thats a death wish! The cab driver was quite garrulous and rascal. The trip took almost 2 and a half hours. Stopped about 10minutes away from home so that the driver will not know my place of abode, crossed over to the other side and went into a shop until the coast was clear to trek the rest of my journey home. His car was running on blood or maybe air actually, it could not be guaranteed to start if he turned off the ignition - I prayed all the way home.
20. Saw a lorry with 2 plate numbers - 1 Naija and the other a british plate number. Your guess is as good as mine!
21. You are a dead man in Lagos if your car doesnt have a horn!
22. No two cab fares to the same destination are ever the same! Now thats a revelation! Whoever said inflation was not in the dico?
23. People overtake you when driving from the right, left, middle, above and below in Lagos!
24. An irony - mad drivers recognise other mad drivers on the road and moan about their driving ethics! And there is no real cause of traffic in Lagos, just manic drivers and bad driving! No one stops for a red light after 7pm and you are dead meat if you try to use a pedestrian crossing - its more like pedestrian crushing!
25. Got a personal driver. He self-terminated his contract with me even before it was to start. I appreciated his honesty at least.
26. Someone went into shock at work when he heard me speak Yoruba, infact I’ve had a few of those reactions - must be the phonetics that’s misleading them!
27. Day 8, the generator at work parked up, neither was there ‘normal’ power suppy, so we couldnt do jack for almost 4hours until when the generator was restored.
28. Quilted tissue is a luxury! Ha, I miss jand sha! I was given a roll of tissue that I can’t even describe as tissue. I was done with it within 3/4 days only to be told it was meant to last a whole month - 1 roll = 1 month usage. Perhaps thats the joke of the week!
29. And now the story of the week! Due to the ‘hardship’ I faced on day 7, I didnt want a repeat of that so I sent my brother a text message asking if I could get a ride from him to work for day 8. He didnt respond by the time I went to bed. There was no light. Normally the electricity is restored sometime during the night but this day it wasnt. No fuel for the generator either and all the lamps now needed recharging. In short, I woke up to a pitch black house. What was I supposed to do? Luckily, I’m very organised so I knew exactly where I had placed everything. I brushed my teeth in the dark, had a bath in the dark too. The kind of bath I had was one I had last over 20years ago in boarding school. Had to because there was no hot water - I’m sure by now you know the kind of bath I’m referring to! I looked and matched up my lingerie in the dark. Brushed my hair and creamed my body in the dark. Meanwhile the battery life on my phone was about to die, so I couldnt use the S.O.S light on it for fear of finally using up the .001% charge left in it. I didnt have a ride to work either. As I left the house, my entire household continued to snore off their heads. I walked in the dark to the main estate gate.I didnt have any consciousness of time until I got to where the street lights were lit. As I stood wondering how to flag a cab down, a driver from the cab rank came and asked where I was headed. He gave a ridiculous price and I haggled. He refused my offer and I continued to try to get a cab. Eventually, he came back, we reached a truce on price and I was taken to the office. Oh what a start to my day! Thats what I call, a total baptism of fire; a thorough induction and welcome to Lagos!
30. Went for a meeting to see a bank’s MD in which there were over twenty suppliers. The waiting time was over an hour and when the MD came in, he spoke for just 30s and the meeting was over. Hmm, what happened to technological advancement?
31. I’ve been told that I’ve been tagged as my firm’s ’Oyinbo’ in one of the banks I’ve been to! Also, they can’t believe I’m an Engineer, they were apparently arguing that I was a Marketer. Abeg, marketer of what o? That didnt take them long to conclude!
32. I saw a man with my 2 korokoro eyes like this on Falomo bridge or whatever. His pants were down to reveal his underpants and one his testicules that was the size of a little baby’s head. My God!
33. I have lost weight, my neck is long like tolotolo and I’ve gone black! Such is life in Lagos!
34. Any takers for Quilted toilet roll, Tesco’s moist toilet roll, Jungle Formula mosquito repellant lotion, antibacterial handwash, bagel, couscous, crisps? Any takers?
35. Just saw two little girls - cant be more five years of age, riding on an ‘okada’. I’m just trying to picture one of your little girls / boys on one!
36. Day 9 - Just got to the office and wiped ‘just’ my face. The tissue turned black instantly. It looked like I hadnt taken a bath before coming in. Effects of dust/harmattan/pollution all rolled into one. No wonder I’m already looking very black! Hope you guys recognise me by the next time we meet!
37. Had one of the drivers asked me for a loan at work - the 2nd within a week. Abi Naira Minter?
38. I was privileged and honoured by NEPA last night when I was able to use the microwave to warm my food since I left jand! It was heavenly!
39. I prayed for a clean cab on day 10 and God honoured this. Such was the honour - the dash board had lights (1st time ever); the clock, speedometer and fuel gauge worked too! How marvelous!
40. Day 10 - this morning! As I stood at the bus stop trying to figure out how to pronounce taxi / cab the Naija way, I noticed a man standing a few yards from me. He continued to wait and after a few minutes I began to wonder what his intentions were. On another glance I realised that he had his pxxxx out of his shorts ! Shock horror gripped me! Did I look like a V.G? My God, that was an insult to my persona! Then an early morning preacher came by on his tannoy handing out tracts. By the time he got to this man, he had pulled his shirt over his dinky. By the time I looked back again, he had it out again. Then he went to stand across the road in my line of sight, just in case I had not noticed his offering before hand.
Oh I bless God! He delivered me from this when I suddenly saw I cab to take me to work! This is Lagos indeed!
I leave you with these till next week.
