Naija Week 28 - Jand Edition!

Hello Everyone,

Here's another special edition reporting live from Jand!

Enjoy!

1. I saw a Ford Ka in pretty pink colour - how shocking and absurd! I can't believe I used to dream about having a pink or lime green coloured car once upon a time!

2. So, there's been severe flooding leaving effects such as no water, no light, people having to use rain water to flush the loo, people stranded at home. Hmm! Now if this were in Las Giddy, life will go on, in fact we don't need the rain to create these effects on living and we have learnt to be very resilient! Brits, learn to be resilient! Its the fine line between survival or otherwise!

3. Ha, was opportuned to dine at a new discovery - Gourmet Burger Kitchen (GBK), it was perfecto!

4. Went to one of my girlfriend's place and discovered that the Ribena she'd just purchased had an expiry date of 'March 2006'! Can you believe that? Now I can understand such an occurrence in Las Giddy, but not in jand! And here she was wondering why it had a funny taste!

Still on this expiration theme, in jand eggs have expiry dates and once its gone past the expiration, some people still eat them while some people don't (like moi) mostly because you can't see any visible sign that its off! Trust me however, you will know when an egg is off in Naija and thats true expiration to the core from the stench that will emanate from the egg!

5. Sad to hear about the Nigerian boxer and bouncer that was shot in the head and leg for telling some people to stop smoking. Senseless killings happen everywhere, not just in 3rd world countries! Whats the difference between living in jand and Las Giddy if I have to watch over my shoulders everywhere I go? And believe me I really did have to watch out when I was out and about in jand! Another life was wasted all within one week - a 16 year old was shot dead by a gang!

6. Day 144 - I saw some girls scantily dressed as I was cladded in boots, scarf and a jacket! I couldn't help wondering if we were all under the same weather conditions. I was freezing! Surely, they couldn't have been hot, could they?

7. Went to another eatery with some of my sisters. One of the meals ordered came with a 'shibi' (spoon) that I would term an 'omorogun' (ladle) to eat with! Na wa ya o! Omorogun just to eat 'Yakamoto food'!

8. Went on the tube a few times and for the life of me I could not understand how I endured years of travelling on it with the smells from MO, BO; the louts; the puke; the stuffiness; the filthiness; the grease from peoples hair on the side panes at the end of every row of seats; the stares, the gazes; the suspicions from your neighbour wondering if you were the next 'Taliban' et al! How did I, how do you?

9. As you know in Las Giddy, its 'soh kin soh' when commuting but in jand its 'dide kin joko'! When people are stood on the bus or on the train, everyone targets any seat coming up spare.

I was on the tube on Day 146 and this woman spoke directly and indirectly to her hearts content for someone to give up their seat for her children. No one budged; funny though she wasn't willing to give up her seat for them. When a seat went spare, someone just snapped it up without an ounce of guilt, all this whilst she was still cajoling her rigid children to go have the seat!

10. Went to my old workplace and nicely put - I made the right decision! Thank God!

Thats it for Week 28! Take care and have a fab week as you lookout for the next Las Giddy edition!

Always & Always,

Lola

Naija Week 27 - Reporting from Jand!‏

Hello All,

This is a special edition reporting live from Jand! Enjoy my views!

Firstly is 'A Naija Experience' - my perspective on Las Giddy airport!

1. Picture this - Day 135 (Week 26). I got to the airport in perfect time with no excess or any such. The first set of custom chaps were quite friendly and even thought I couldn't speak anything other than the queens English - na soso foney I dey blow. Anyway, as I was leaving, I made a statement in 'conc' Yoruba that rocked their world! I got to the next set of custom officials for PP checking only to be told by the guy that he was not satisfied with my britico PP. He told me point blank I will have to go to the embassy and that I was an off-load. I didn't have a clue what that meant then I came up angry. I asked what the problem was and didn't get a response. I was told that I will be put on a flight free of charge on Monday but that I was not travelling on this flight. By now I was fuming, I told them I was getting on the flight and nothing was going to stop me! I asked the custom man how he could detect any wrong on my PP using a torchlight - the statement got to him and he bluntly retorted that it wasn't a torchlight! Anyway, eventually their 'Oga' came took a look at me and my PP and told me that I could proceed!

Then, I got to another set of custom checking were you had to open up your suitcase - only God knows why we have to do this! The guy just scattered all my stuff around - by now fuming couldn't even describe my emotions! By the time, I got to the checking-in counter, I had lost it and vowed not to fly with that airline again, so the attendant began to pacify me.

As I queued up to go through the detector checking, I saw a 'foreigner' jump a queue. The people around were so mad and as they complained and moaned, he just snubbed them and went through the checking barrier; as he did this I commented that he had become a 'Nigerian'! I went through only to be told I had to ditch my bottles of water even though I had specifically asked at the counter prior if it was OK to take water on board and was categorically told it was fine! Then I was told that I had the wrong custom form - been given an arrival form instead of a departure form from an earlier desk. When I asked to be given the right form, I was told to cross out the word 'arrival' and write 'departure' there! Whose report am I to believe?

Just as well I got to the airport early, the departure time for my flight at the airport was an hour later than the time stipulated on my itinerary at the point of booking - na wa o!

The whole experience was so traumatic that my head pounded like never before!

Then I finally board the plane to discover that we were going to be travelling in an antiquated Boeing 767 plane with 'gbogbo ero' movie screen showing some thirty-something year old movies! Thankfully the flight was smooth but I had stomach spasms all through the duration!

On landing, I was the only black person on the UK PP side in a long stretch of holiday makers at PP control!

At one point the baggage reclaim area was so flooded with people from other flights that landed after us and believe it or not, everyone had their baggage reclaimed, left the airport and forgot they'd just flown in whilst we on the Las Giddy reclaim belt waited forever for our stuffs to come out! And when they finally started coming out, those that circled the belt belonged to those still trying to get past PP control! Why does this always happen?

Oh what a trip!

I stepped out of the airport and the first person my gaze landed on was a 'traffic warden' about to start dishing out parking fines, then I knew I was truly in jand!

2. I discovered just before I left for my trip that my little TV actually worked and could pick up local channels! Thanks to my friend who came and fiddled with the tuning! I just can't believe that I'd suffered in ignorance for this long! At the end I was told I needed a man in my life! Hmm, what more can I say?

3. Whoever said traffic was peculiar to just Las Giddy? I witnessed stagnant traffic on the famous M25; at least it still moves at a snail's pace in Las Giddy even though there's never a cause of traffic!

4. Day 138 - Saw with my korokoro eyes a woman with the name 'Gregory Smith' tattooed on her back. So I com dey wonder say if GS com leave am if na so she go tattoo all the men's name that she encounters on all her body! I no say I dey see craze for Lagos but I never see dis kind one o!

5. Jand traffic warden vs Las Giddy Lastma - pick your choice!

6. Fuel is almost a pound to the litre; thats almost N250 to 1 litre! Ha, I prefer Lagos o!

7. Barely have I seen company cars on the roads here unlike in Las Giddy, where almost 1 in 3 cars is a company car; neither does the amount of posh cars on jand roads compare to that on a typical Naija road. Naija tops the amount any day, any time!

8. I've been at the steering for a few days now and I was forced to 'wa ti eko fun won' once when I was stuck in traffic. One lane had a long queue, whilst the other remained practically empty because of those turning off! You can guess what I did next! Na Lagos fault o! The Brits are so lovingly traffic abiding! Just wait till you go to Naija!

Oh, and by the way, I've been opportuned to use my horn!

9. Day 139 - Had to pop into the bank. And its amazing how customer-centric the English have become. Even when you are cursing them, they are still smiling at you et al yet they are the biggest silent killers as far as I'm concerned. They give you the biggest smiles yet kill you softly whilst you are being mesmerised by their smiles. Meanwhile, we know customer service doesn't even exist in our lingua yet 'what you see is what you get'. What an irony of life!

10. Whilst at a family friend's place, the music being played suddenly stopped and the first thing that sprang to my mind and mouth was that 'Nepa' had struck. Now, thats the Naija effect! Nepa in jand? Yet, it was nothing like that, the music had only finished playing!

11. Partly watched a TV program the other day - 'How clean is your house'! The amount of filth and grime in this man's house was unprecedented and unbelievable. I was so horrified that I had goosebumps and had to run out of the lounge. Yet, we get reports that Naija is this and that. At least, over there its only a mad man you will see living in filth not sane human beings! No comment!

12. Didn't realise good ol' Eastenders was still on until I heard the famous tune as they were about to start one of the midweek episodes. After years of abstinence, I quickly discovered within a couple of minutes that it was still the same old story lines, the bullies still remained bullies, the geezer still remained the felon et al. Oh what a bore!

13. The weather has been terrible - seems like Autumn has bypassed Summer. I've been feeling the cold and having to wearing socks. In fact, I landed a cold and sore throat within a couple of hours of landing!

Conclusion: I miss my Las Giddy! Oh my God, did I just say that?

Thanks all and have a wonderful weekend!

Always & Always,

Lola - Reporting Live from the Land of the Bore!

Naija Week 26 - 6 months on‏

Howdy Everyone,

Just can't believe I'm counting 6 months of being in Las Giddy! Thank God for his mercies and strength to have endured thus far!

Many thanks for all your prayers (and continued prayers), love and support to make this move bearable! No regrets sha!

Happy Reading!

1. Picture this - Day 131 - Monday morning at 7.30am! Na so I com dey day-dream as I dey go work. I dey day dream say I dey for beach having a lazy day - you know, getting a tan, got my designer sunglasses on, wearing a sombrero and generally appreciating the breeze and natures beauty. Na im I com see dis man comot im 'shokoto' for bar-beach and begin to sxxx. The speed wey I stop my day-dreaming pass the speed of light o! Before my very eyes, the man was passing out some spiral-looking, continuos defaecation. 'Twas such an ugly and disgusting sight!

Oh what a way to start up the week!

2. Has anyone see the new Audi Jeep? Its nice, isn't it?

3. Day 132 - I got jumped by an 'Opolo' - frog! It wasn't funny! I screamed off my head and was hysterical for a few seconds before I realised it a was a frog! No worries - it was still a worthy good scream!

4. For the first time, I had electricity supply from 8.30pm until 5.45am the next morning. I didn't visit much of lala land that night as I kept waking up at intervals shocked to see and know that there was light! We've however been paying the price since, as there hasn't been any electricity supply since then, hence no aqua too!

5. I went to a book store and saw on display for sale a 'Nigeria Road Atlas'. I hope it helps the traveller; thats all I can say! That means there's hope for Satellite Navigation in Naija! Habi e don happen wey I never know?

6. Day 134 - I saw with my own bare, korokoro eyes - an 'ebo' (pronounced 'ehboh') by a junction on the wayside. I didn't know that alot of those things depicted in the home movies had an element of reality to them. It had feathers and all sorts in the calabash. I was just so shocked to see this and to know that people were still about this sort of thing. I quickly covered myself in the blood of Jesus!

7. A Sony Ericsson billboard Ad in Lagos reads ' I Love Gbedu' well the 'love' is represented by the Sony Ericsson logo! How wonderful to know that foreign companies are recognising the peculiarity of Nigerians and therefore localising their offerings! Proudly Nigerian!

8. My neighbour has had three of his colleagues encounter armed robbers within the last week. One was robbed a few yards to his house, lost his car, valuables and his passenger was injured when he was flung out of his car from his sleep, the car was later recovered; the other lost all valuables and almost his life - was rescued at the point of imminent death by the other robbers when one of them was about to blow off his head and the last a lady, fled the highway with other motorists when a band of armed bandits suddenly pounced on the unsuspecting people around 9pm in traffic. Everyone fled leaving their cars and valuables at the mercy of these miscreants to have a field day.

These victims turned up to work as usual the next day, being grateful to be alive to tell their stories! Life just goes on!

I tell you, Las Giddy seems to be getting crazier by the day, and its purely by the utmost grace of God that one is still in one piece.

Meanwhile the topmost item on the new Governor's to-do list for Lagos is 'security'!

9. Guess who often directs traffic at some of the Island's hot spots in the morning? Kids barely 9/10 years old! Whatever happened to the people whose responsibility it is to do this? And why are these kids not in school?

And thats all from me for this week!

Have a fab weekend!

Always & Always,

Lola (Keeping It Real)

Naija Week 25

Howdy Y'All,

Many thanks for all the encouraging calls, chats and emails - much appreciated. Not much to report on this week; wonder why! Here's the little details for Week 25!

Enjoy!

1. Hmm, went to a bukka restaurant over the weekend called 'Yakoyo' - posh bukka! Didn't run my tummy and you even have to pay a service charge! Food was cool!

2. Day 124 - Saw a trailer that had tilted on its side with the crane head go through the wall of one of the rooms at Eko Hotel. I can't even begin to imagine what the occupier may have thought at the point of impact if he or she was in the room then.

3. Day 125 - Discovered a plant growing on my room's window seal! Thats what the rain has done!

4. One of my friends lost his brother-in-law and his friend to robbers over the weekend. Their car was sprayed with bullets and 2 out of 3 of the vehicle occupants died. So sad! I tell you Las Giddy can be very scary at most times. It is well.

5. My company won the Cisco Premier Partner Award for Y06 for Emerging Africa! Hurray!

6. And lastly, I never thought I will be drinking anything hot in Naija, but I've been onto hot chocy every morning now for the last few days to warm up!

Thats it for now. Enjoy and have a great, splendid and blessed weekend.

Always & Always,

Lola (RLC)

Naija Week 24

Howdy Y'All!

Another late entry - many apologies! Been a bit depressed actually and still battling that. I guess I'm human after all and covet your prayers for strength!

Enjoy the entries for Week 24!

1. Believe it or not, I was in knee-length boots in a whole ('odindin') Las Giddy for 3 days last week! The weather was very mild and accommodating; and I sure felt like a trend-setter! No, no, it was more like trying to save myself from the cold spells I'd been experiencing of late! Been wearing vests too! Crazy isn't it?

I went for one of my meetings and my clients joked that I'd come to fight them hence why I was cladded in my 3/4 shorts and boots!

2. Confession time! I com ask the Landlord say where I go throway my 'idoti'. E come tell me say make I dey throway am for the empty land wey dey near us. So, na so so throway I don dey do for dis empty land since o. Now, thats the price you pay in Lagos if your land remains undeveloped - it becomes a refuse dump. O, how I miss unfailing refuse collection every Friday in jand!

3. Picture this: Na so, I go buy frozen chicken for supermarket. I come boil am for 10minutes and comot for fire. Something just tell me say make I try the chicken to check whether e don cook. Hey, na so the chicken be like rubber for mouth. Here was me thinking I was cooking chicken in jand that only took 10minutes - forgot I was dealing with the real thing here. It took another 45minutes or so to get the chicken parts to a soft spot.

4. I went to the supermarket to ask for 'frozen spinach'! The look on the attendants faces told it all. They were looks of what on earth is she talking about; wetin be spinach?; why would she want something frozen when the real mccoy could be gotten fresh and more like 'we think she's forgotten where she is'!

5. For the first time since I arrived here, I went through the whole week without spending money on take-out food! Bravo! Really, somehow it happened that I got free brekkies and lunches both in and out of the office! Generous naija people! Now thats something that will not happen in jand!

6. Day 119 - Severe rain and flooding brought the Island to a standstill. I broke the traffic record since I came to town - it took me 5hours and 20minutes to get home. Almost 5 of those hours where in trying to get off the Island - em, equivalent to travelling about 2/3miles fro 5hours!

And thats it. Enjoy your week!

Always and Always,

Lola (Real Life Content)