Naija Week 6

Hiya,

Enjoy!

And do keep the comments flowing!

1. Picture this: I felt like having porridge (Asaro) for lunch on Day 26! Na so I come go Sweet Sensation o. I order fish and the Asaro. When I wan come pay, na im the cashier mention one big amount for the food wey I order. Na only small money dey my hand and if say I don see the price of the fish before I order am, I for no buy am at all. Anyway, I just do sisi and pay the woman the money. I enjoyed the fish sha but not the Asaro. Meanwhile, na ‘lepa’ top I go wear to work today. I don forget say when you wear lepa top, dat no be the time to go chop asaro or any heavy food. I finish the food pampam but embarassment now wan catch me wen my belle begin to protude through my lepa top. Na so I come pull my belle inside so dat he go look say my belle still dey kampe. Now, I wan shakabulla so dat my belle go get room again! I tell you my people, fashion na punishment o.

2. Hey, I made my debut clothes purchase over the weekend! I was just tired of not having any skirts to wear to work and having to ‘borrow’. Thats what happens when you are used to wearing junk to work and suddenly you find yourself in a position that warrants power-dressing! I can’t say the price was reasonable!

3. I also made my debut abuse on day 26 on my way to work. I was annoyed with the way a danfo driver had blocked the road after being stuck there for almost 45minutes - I told him ‘dat his head was not correct’! Direct translation!

4. The utmost priority to a Lagos motorist is that his car starts. Never mind the state of the car or whether its being held together by a shoe-string!

5. I went to an eatery during the week to get something for brekkie! You won’t believe that I stood there and was not able to count N240 before the cashier. I just couldn’t get my head round it. Maybe, I’d been starved beyond comprehension, hence why I lost the ability to figure out how many notes make up N240! Hunger no good o!

6. We had power supply on Sunday evening! So shocked was I at the phenomenon that I left my mouth agape for almost 60secs! Wonders will never end!

7. I don begin chop biscuit wey mallam dey sell! It look like say my body don begin acclamatise! Actually, the truth be say, hunger don catch me well well, so when I was offered I no even get strength to do shakara!

8. Anyone watching the West African Idols at the moment? Picture this: this guy turned up with a rag around his head, in a singlet, in un-matching slippers to sing a yoruba song! Simon Cowell would have cowered! Another one turned up to sing - you could tell clearly that he was a ‘mayguard’ (security man)! And another thing - is it a West African Idol or Gospel Idol, becos nasoso ‘great is thy faithfulness’ Lagos people dey sing when they are asked to sing a 2nd song. We sure have a way a redefining things!

9. Attended a meeting the other day and we had an official from hell. He seemed out to mar our presentation! Who says na only oyinbo people dey do dat kin thing?

10. Had a dose of Naija workmanship! Gave a mechanic an appointment for 7am, he turned up at 9am. He was suppose to finish at 2pm, he turned up at 6pm. One of the components he had mended became ‘unmended’ barely an hour after. He called to say he was on his way and we didnt hear from him until 12 hours later the next day. He says again that he is on his way to finish off and didnt turn up until 8hours later. Now, which part of African timing have you not comprehended by now or that adults don’t lie?

11. Picture this: I went to a salon to retouch my hair. As the hairdresser was about to wash off the relaxer, na im I come notice the hair wey dey under her armpit. Haba, the hair don grow pass the place wey God assign for armpit hair to be o. The hair sef look say na im need relaxer and not my own hair wey dey for my head. Lagos na real wa o.

12. Can you believe it, they are still celebrating the ‘valentine’ season! Habi, na Naija person invent valentine?

13. Ope o, I had 3 square meals for the time ever since I came on day 26!

14. I saw a recruitment ad in one of the major newspapers read - ‘Enemies Wanted …..26 years max …..Uncomfortable with the comfortable …..’

15. Na so two people for the same team for work come to office o wearing exactly this same thing! Be careful where you shop!

16. Hmm, I got tempted again for poundo at the bukka - e be like say I no learn my lesson the first time. Anyway, I ordered ogbono and igbin this time around! Ha, e sweet o! And guess what? I paid the price for it yet again! And at the point of ‘delivery’ there was no water to flush! Can you imagine! I was just mad with the office!

17. Formula: Heat + Hunger + Traffic - Aircon = Suffer Head in Lagos!

18. Day 28 - na im I come see dundun and akara for sale for road side by gutter. I come dey salivate but I knew that would be a sudden death wish!

19. Lagos traffic is a drive or die a ‘mugu’ affair. It took 2 hours to get from Shoprite to Osborne road (VI to Ikoyi) on one of the days this week. This is just crazy! It looks like Lagos gets gridlocked at least once a week! The rest is history …………

20. Can you imagine, the first time I go go work in my ‘eshin’, the AC no work! Very typical!

21. It hit 35 degrees centigrade on day 27 at the peak of the day! And people are still suited & tied up in this heat! Haba! This surely is the time to go about in skimpies and lie on the beach side in your swim wear! Yeah right! Monkey dey work; baboon dey chop - dat na wetin dey happen for Lagos o!

22. Here is a typical Lagos scenario: In a supossedly residential environment, you will find some residential homes, at least a church, shops and school! What a mix! There seems to be more buildings for shops than places to live.

23. There is a church in every nook and crany in Lagos! I wished the number of churches reflected a good moral level in the society!

24. I heard on the radio that there is now 50k, N1 & N2 coins in order to add value to the Naija currency. Exactly what value is it adding when you can’t buy something for N2! I don’t think they took counsel from the ‘mekunu’!

25. People go for church services first thing in the morning before going to work! This can only happen in Naija!

26. The word copycat doesn’t do justice to the number of company names being used here that actually exist abroad! I have even seen duplicate names within Lagos! I’m almost certain too that western artistes don’t get Royalties from having their songs played in Naija! Royal … what? When I once mentioned it to someone, the response was that the artistes should even be glad that their songs were being aired!

27. I was in shorts and a dress shirt on day 29 and attended a couple of meetings. Na so, one of the guys come say I look like ’solja’! Instead of him to say I dey intimidate am, he say I look like solja! E come laf wen I tell am say I came ready for the meeting! On day 28 wey I wear mini skirt, na im plenty people say I look cute, I dey show hot legs, I dey cause commotion, I look good; meanwhile the day wey I cover leg abit, na ‘owo’ I get. You can’t win!

28. Day 30 - hurray, there was some rain and so the weather is a bit cool! My God, can you believe that I have survived 6 whole weeks in Naija? Thank God for his mercies!

29. I went to this famous Shoprite o with the mind of getting one or two items. So I when I picked a pack of cereal and did a mental conversion to pounds and it came to almost 3pounds, I quickly dropped it! In fact, I left the store empty handed - A whole shopaholic like me!

30. Na so, I see one man yesterday wey won get on Okada with a 15feet ladder - picture this!

And thats all for this week. Look out for week 7 stories! Thanks for reading!

Have a lovely weekend!

Always,

Lola

Naija Week 5

Hiya,

Many thanks for all your email support. For those who have been requesting for some Naija pictures, abeg hold fire until I get my camera sent from jand. I’ve seen some sights that can only be believed when you see the pictures. In the meantime, keep reading my text versions!

Enjoy and don’t forget to blog it at http://lagosdiary.Blogs4Rus.com. Spread the word too!

1. Day 21 - I was taken to a ‘Bukka’ for lunch when I expressed a deep desire to have ‘poundo’ for lunch. Boy, was it good or what! Na the 2nd day I come pay the heavy price for eating bukka food. Na so I come go meeting o, when I dey come back, my bele come dey do sumo wrestling! Haya, I pray to God to help me hold myself together before I go reach toilet o. Traffic come plenty - my people, I prayed harder. I now no fit talk again for the moto wey I dey with my oga. I come dey fear say make fine lady like me no go go baraje for moto! Na toilet I first run to when we got back to the office even before anyone could say jack robinson. Me and bukka no be friends again!

2. I saw famous ‘RMD at church! Yes, at church! Men, the guy don grow old o! Nasoso white bear-bear fill hin irugbon! I see am like this with my korokoro eyes. He too come look me proper before him comot him eye. I turn back later my people and na so I catch this man still they look at me. I tell you last week say Naija people no dey stare, rara, they STARE instead!

3. Na so I come see ‘chinko’ dey ride okada! Still on this okada issue, na him I come see 4 people on one okada! Na wa o! This one na real economies of scale!

4. I saw a guy in a shirt and jumper in this terrible heat! So much for fashion! It won’t take long before he develops B.O if he continues to dress like this!

5. Men, you wont recognise me at the end of my working day. Even me sef no dey recognise myself anymore because of sweat, so much so that my sweat these days often taste like an over-salted water!

6. For you Keifer Sutherland lovers - dem dey hawk ‘24′ for Obalende!

7. Imagine this: alot of cars some of us left behind - some 15 / 20 gbogboro years before we left for jand are still on the roads today.

8. I’m beginning to prefer slow traffic at times than to be at the mercies of dare-devil cab drivers!

9. Fancy your cab being sandwiched between two awful and gigantic lorries? This was a stance the stupid cab driver took on day 21. He was actually contending with them! My people, I begin speak in tongues quick quick!

10. I witnessed a leaflet distribution that entailed being thrown or even flung into cars that were unfortunate to have their windows open! What a style! Talk about being crass!

11. Pollution is on another level in Lagos! Abeg, forget Kyoto agreement! This one na Lagos agreement!

12. You have to be extra, extra vigilant when buying fuel in Lagos! You can be sold N300 fuel in place of N3000! So many people have fallen victim to this prank, where your tank is filled with air! I’m sure the word ‘corruption’ was coined in Naija!

13. I saw an advert on a portable loo read ‘We don’t smell the shit, we smell the money’! What a line!

14. Hurray, for the first time since I started work, I got home at 7am - the earliest ever on day 22!

15. I awoke with over 9 ‘major’ mosquito bites on my body over the weekend. It was so bad that I had blood stains on my arms which must have arisen when I was fighting them at night. The A/C had stopped functioning due to the power surges, so they came out with a vengeance! Afterwards, I gave up the room to go sleep in the living room. The next day I refused to sleep there until the room and entire house had been sanitised with mosquito spray!

16. Na so one of the managers come work with him slippers. He’d forgotten his shoes at home and had to go the store to buy a new pair! He was the joke of the day!

17. Had an okada accident on day 22 on way from work. I was in a car with some other colleagues when an okada man rode into us whilst facing the opposite direction doing ‘amebor’! He was lucky our car was stationary when we where hit. Thank God for his mercies!

18. One of my colleagues was robbed at Apongbon. Though, his windscreens were all up, one of it was still smashed to get access to him and the other occupants. Thankfully, no one was hurt.

19. Day 23 - Valentines day! The day Lagos came to a halt! Valentine fever gripped the entire place. Love was in the air. Traffic was extra BAD because of valentine. I went to a bank meeting and love songs were being aired. The eateries were jammed packed with people doing love wantintin! I didnt know that people were so crazy about such an event! In fact they are not only referring to it as 1-day thing but it is being referred to as the ‘valentine season’. Some people even dressed differently to work today. There were decorations all over the place - hotels, schools, eateries, shopping malls, cinemas et al! The radio talked about nothing else but LOVE! Went for a bank meeting and love songs was being aired on the radio! Roses were sold at food joints! The mobile network was jammed! Unbelievable!

20. Did I mention getting home very early on point 14? I spoke too soon - got home at 10pm on day 23 because of Valentine’s day! Day 24 was similar too. So tired was I when I got home that what was intended to be a sprawl on the bed ended up being a proper sleep-off (hunrun!). I shut my eyes for a 2nd and the next time they were opened was at 1am - gone through the whole day without any proper food. My neck look like tolotolo neck now!

21. I don’t recollect meeting electricity supply from those ’stupid’ people called NEPA or PHCN since I’ve been back from jand! And they want to do e-vote when they even can’t get common electricity to work consistently!

22. Picture this: na him I come go meeting with my Oga dem and one Oyinbo man wey be our work partner. I wear gogoro dat day my people. Na him I won cross gutter wey get slats on top am to get to where the door dey. All these Naija men wey no be gentlemen don come pass me leaving me behind. No body look behind to see whether I fit pass with my gogoro or not. Thank God o for Oyinbo man! Na d man come hold my hand as I dey shake in my gogoro when I won cross the gutter! Na wa ya o! When they come look back, they come dey laf tire at me.

Thats all for week 5! Expect more of my Naija experiences for week 6! Enjoy your week!

Always,

Lola

Naija week 4

Enjoy!

1. TRAFFIC IS B.A.D IN LAGOS! All just down to intolerance and selfishness - everyone wants to go first!

2. Witnessed my first accident - thank God it was not fatal. Well suited man was on Okada carrying a huge potted-plant. Na so him and flower pot tumble comot from Okada when taxi man no look the place wey him dey go!

3. Saw a long lorry making a u-turn. The lorry had no lights and the driver had to use a torch light for navigation!

4. I have seen more hummers in four weeks than I’ve seen during my stay in jand! Who say money no dey for Naija?

5. Some Lagos markets burst into life at night time! Whatever happened to regulated working hours?

6. I never knew that ‘Obiomas’ and street hawking still existed! Na wa o!

7. The first time I used cold water to shower, I screamed my head off; now I’m a veteran - don’t even bother to get the kettle on anymore!

8. Day 16 News - 3 Okada men where apparently burnt alive for snatching a woman’s handbag. The area boys chased them and meted justice to them. The bag was retrieved and just tissue paper was found in it. No comment!

9. Over the weekend, I went out with a friend. At a point during the short journey, we went past a set of traffic lights. Before we knew what was happening, a couple of police men had jumped into the car and my friend was accused of going on red. The truth was neither of us could ascertain if that was the case. Anyway, he began to ‘talk’ their language. They asked for N17500. Then after a few more ‘talking’, it went to N8000 and then down to N1000 that was the money eventually paid. My God Naija! If only that money taken will truly deliver them from their predicament!

10. Naija people don’t stare, they STARE!

11. Got my salary with no payslip! The concept of a payslip is non-existent! Hmmm!

12. On day 17, the management got a brand new hi-spec water dispenser for the office. Now thats a luxury! Did I hear someone say that should have been a necessity?

13. So tired was I by the end of day 16, that I was in bed by 9.30pm, barely upto half an hour that I got home from work!

14. Struggled all day to keep awake at work on day 17 & 20. Sleep catch me o several times. I even go waka for road, the sleep no gree go away.

15. I had a colleague stand by me the other day during our devotion. My God, I could not figure out what ‘key’ he was singing on! Don’t think the key existed in English, Igbo, Yoruba or Hausa!

16. On day 19, there was an accident on 3rd mainland bridge, where a molue hit the barrier and flung some people into the river. It was rather an unfortunate accident. Just wished our so-called politicians will do more about their subjects welfare so that these people will have alternatives to their lifestyle!

17. Picture this, still on day 19 - Got home with no ounce of energy left in me at 9pm. No electricity, the rechargeable light was off due to no power source to charge it and no fuel yet for the generator. Had my dinner in the dark with a little help from my phone light. Whilst eating, I saw a little rat go by, so I had to raise up my legs! So, I ate in the dark with my feet up. Na wa o!

18. Heard on the news on day 20 about a governor being impeached for having 172 houses in Nigeria and abroad. Can you imagine this atrocity? How can one human being be so super-selfish?

19. Wow! Been here for four weeks now - I’m a survivor! In all these four weeks, I have not had the privilege of having electricity for more than 36hours in total. Nepa na luxury here o! What a shame!

This is all for this week. I’m feeling exhausted, lean and out of it this week. Its all good sha.

Have a gracious weekend y’all.

Always,

Lola

Naija Week 3

Abeg, my people, no vex o! Na internet connection wey parfuka on Friday wey be say I no fit send my week 3 update!

Happy Reading!

1. Went to Mama Cass to grab some snacks (saw some people ordering poundo) for breakfast - Na wa o! The money I had on me didn’t cover what I’d ordered so I asked the assistant to drop one of the items but then a superior came and told the assistant to give me all that I wanted for the N200 I had on me. Cool! You wont get items for a penny short in jand!

2. Went to Nandos for lunch - manager’s treat! It was heavenly when I turned on the hot water tap expecting cold water but hot water came out instead! It was a nouveau experience!

3. Saw a cat and puppy being hawked! What ever happened to RSPCA of Nigeria?

4. We have a manual automatic washing machine at home? Howbeit? Manual or Auto - which is it meant to be?

5. Last Friday of the month is a prayer and fasting day at work. So we did this last Friday and at break point, we prayed and worshipped solidly for an hour. Free snacks and drinks were passed around afterwards. No other place like home! Tony Blair will have no grounds here for his religious bill!

6. I saw a nicely dressed lady with Gucci bag clutched with one arm, one of the heels of her shoes had snapped off as she walked the down the street. I think she’d opted for the cheap option!

7. I had an unpleasant reason to visit the hospital the other day with my s-in-l (she’s kampe now), the room she was placed in was once a kitchen. They hadn’t even bothered to remove the cupboards, cooker sockets or disguise the worktop! Fancy a room in the kitchen anyone?

8. On naija roads, you get to see generations of cars that even the manufacturers had forgotten they ever made! Cars you won’t find in the museum of car makers!

9. I witnessed an Oyinbo man driving in thick Lagos traffic! Even I couldn’t have displaced such boldness - well at least not yet!

10. I had a near miss the other day whilst in a cab. The van was barely an inch away from kissing the driver’s side! Thank God for his mercies!

11. Guess what? From not having any mosquito bite as reported in week 1, I’ve gone from not having any to being stung by God knows what over this weekend! I have at least 6 bite marks on my fleshy arms at the moment! Just when I thought I had gone stale, looks like I’ve still got fresh blood in me! I meant fresh jand blood!

12. I had the pleasure of being hosted by a friend at the weekend - no guessing who! Anyway, I ordered some gizzard on my hosts account; 5 pieces of gizzard = N500 (thank God I was not the one paying, afor don return am)! Now that’s day-light robbery! I know in jand I could have bought a whole bag for the equivalent of two pounds (sorry oh, my keyboard no get pound sign!)

13. Haba, the heat don come o! Men, it is now hot! I guess all the (I’m cold feeling I was having before was just a ‘welcome to Naija’ present). I was fanning myself in an air-conditioned car on Sunday - that’s how hot I was! Even got rashes o and my thighs are beginning to complain!

14. Just when I thought sitting four rows down from the pulpit in GH was unrighteous; I had to sit outside and watch a TV screen on Sunday for my first church service since I’ve been here. I didnt write jack down!

15. On the Nepa front, a visitation of light causes much panic activities around the house as everyone scrambles to boil some water, use the microwave, iron their clothes et al! You are never sure when next you have that opportunity - electricity in Naija is a luxury!

16. I come go Sheratonne (not Sheraton), na soso Oyinbo people dey there o (they like betta life), u no go no say na Naija u be. We too come go siddon for pool side like say we get money boku plenty plenty. Even water sef, we no buy until we comot from the place. The important thing was that we went and where able to chill there!

17. Everyone has an opinion in Naija, even the mad man! My advice - stick with yours!

18. I had to wake up the other day at 3am to do some ironing when I realised that Nepa had been gracious! Can you imagine that?

19. People get monthly Nepa bills even with the absence of electricity supply. Bills could be as high as N15/20K at times, well for the average household. Surely, they are paying for darkness - not to have light! What absurdity!

20. My nephew is cute and very peaceful. The only problem is that he tends to baptize me with (that baby thing babies bring from their mouth (abeg I no no wetin I go call am for Oyinbo language)- eyama) most times when I carry him; its almost like a set up now!

21. Day 12 saga. Na so I won comot for awa main gate. Gate man come say which house I dey come from. Hims ay, he no no my face. How e for know when my face when NEPA no even dey dat morning!. Wetin he go take look my face with? I tell am o - the house wey I comot from but him behave like say he no hear me, he come say him no go let me pass, say make I go call someone from the house wey I comot from. Him say, wetin I carry for my bag. Me I don vex by this time, I tell am say na person head I carry for bag. Him come say, person fit be housegirl and for don go steal. I come dey think to myself say, the way I dress to match like dis, how I go come look like housegirl. When my broda con come, he ask am if I look like housegirl, he now no fit talk! The rest na history but I abuse am well well o - I was pxxxx. I tell you, insults know no boundaries in Naija!

22. Naija is survival of the fittest in every facet!

23. Had a dare devil for a cab man on day 12! Traffic was so bad that day, the whole of VI was gridlocked. At one stage, he faced oncoming traffic in order to make some head way! Which head way? Dat one na 1-way ticket to heaven!

24. In Naija, there are corporate prostitutes and corporate gigolos!

25. Police escorts with sirens usually hold a whip of some sort like koboko to wipe cars out of their paths. Very cruel!

26. Went to view a rental property and as we approached the property, we asked the driver how the place is when it rains. He answered swiftly that there are no road problems after it has rained. Shortly after, an old high school friend went by (not seen her since we left) and told me that opting for the property in question will make me cry out my eyes once it rains. No ounce of truth from an average Naija person!

27. Saw a man reverse from one main road and continued reversing into yet another main road. I thought I had just witnessed a movie stunt and started looking out for the cameras to ensure I was well featured in it. Yeah right!

28. Attended a meeting on day 13 at one of the major banks. One of the guys started hitting on me straight up without even hiding it. I told him where to go and my boss reminded him of his 3.4 children at home! No shame!

Na so danfo man too dey tell me say hin love me. He dey even blow me kisses! What a jerk!

29. Attended Household of God for their midweek service. They sang the national anthem at the end of the service! ????????????????????????????

30. Day 14 - took a cab to work and it was the most derelict cab I had taken to date. It was like even the seats were held together by a shoe string! Then I started feeling sleepy - my God, I fought tooth and nail to keep awake. I dozed off a few times, then it suddenly felt like daylight had finally broken through only for me to discover a ’sweet sensation’ food pack behind the driver’s seat. You 4 see how fear grip me o, I hadn’t seen or noticed it there before, so my mind did a playing around! I got to work safely! Thank God!

31. You are a ‘mugu’ if you don’t haggle in Lagos. Haggling is a way of life! I don learn the act o. In fact, me too dey shakara people now!

32. My daily cost of transportation here is higher than what my daily cost was in jand!

33. Went through Sandgrouse on day 14 and I saw men carry raw meat literally over their shoulders. It was an horrifying site. And to think people will go and buy that for food is even more appalling. On the same note, I saw meat for suya hung on filthy walls until they were ready to be suya’d. Suya lovers beware!

34. Yet another man on Falomo bridge with an overly excessive skin over one part of his face.

35. Lekki is just a farce with magnificent structures but no infrastructures.

36. Day 14 - did I mention dare devil driving by the cab driver in the morning, I had an even darer-devil of a company driver in the evening. His driving was something else! At one stage as I stared at the ocean below 3rd mainland bridge, I had to remind baba God of the pact I had with him before coming down to Lagos and that that pact didn’t include dying!

37. Still on this day 14, I went to use the loo only to discover there was no water in the building to flush. Luckliy, I hadn’t done a biggie! And thank God for hand sanitiser in my handbag; even after applying it I still didn’t want to touch anything. Lagos na real wa!

38. Day 15, still no water at work. After lunch I became pressed to wee but with no water to flush I had to hold myself. As I sat almost bursting and tranced, someone asked if I was in a deep thought. So I voiced out my predicament, only to be told there was water to use in another loo. To think I endured all that for nothing! Phew! What a relief after discharging a litre of …..

And that’s it for this week o! Do check out my blog site details below, pass it on and post your comments there!

Have a great and lovely week.

Always,

Lola