Naija Week 3

Abeg, my people, no vex o! Na internet connection wey parfuka on Friday wey be say I no fit send my week 3 update!

Happy Reading!

1. Went to Mama Cass to grab some snacks (saw some people ordering poundo) for breakfast - Na wa o! The money I had on me didn’t cover what I’d ordered so I asked the assistant to drop one of the items but then a superior came and told the assistant to give me all that I wanted for the N200 I had on me. Cool! You wont get items for a penny short in jand!

2. Went to Nandos for lunch - manager’s treat! It was heavenly when I turned on the hot water tap expecting cold water but hot water came out instead! It was a nouveau experience!

3. Saw a cat and puppy being hawked! What ever happened to RSPCA of Nigeria?

4. We have a manual automatic washing machine at home? Howbeit? Manual or Auto - which is it meant to be?

5. Last Friday of the month is a prayer and fasting day at work. So we did this last Friday and at break point, we prayed and worshipped solidly for an hour. Free snacks and drinks were passed around afterwards. No other place like home! Tony Blair will have no grounds here for his religious bill!

6. I saw a nicely dressed lady with Gucci bag clutched with one arm, one of the heels of her shoes had snapped off as she walked the down the street. I think she’d opted for the cheap option!

7. I had an unpleasant reason to visit the hospital the other day with my s-in-l (she’s kampe now), the room she was placed in was once a kitchen. They hadn’t even bothered to remove the cupboards, cooker sockets or disguise the worktop! Fancy a room in the kitchen anyone?

8. On naija roads, you get to see generations of cars that even the manufacturers had forgotten they ever made! Cars you won’t find in the museum of car makers!

9. I witnessed an Oyinbo man driving in thick Lagos traffic! Even I couldn’t have displaced such boldness - well at least not yet!

10. I had a near miss the other day whilst in a cab. The van was barely an inch away from kissing the driver’s side! Thank God for his mercies!

11. Guess what? From not having any mosquito bite as reported in week 1, I’ve gone from not having any to being stung by God knows what over this weekend! I have at least 6 bite marks on my fleshy arms at the moment! Just when I thought I had gone stale, looks like I’ve still got fresh blood in me! I meant fresh jand blood!

12. I had the pleasure of being hosted by a friend at the weekend - no guessing who! Anyway, I ordered some gizzard on my hosts account; 5 pieces of gizzard = N500 (thank God I was not the one paying, afor don return am)! Now that’s day-light robbery! I know in jand I could have bought a whole bag for the equivalent of two pounds (sorry oh, my keyboard no get pound sign!)

13. Haba, the heat don come o! Men, it is now hot! I guess all the (I’m cold feeling I was having before was just a ‘welcome to Naija’ present). I was fanning myself in an air-conditioned car on Sunday - that’s how hot I was! Even got rashes o and my thighs are beginning to complain!

14. Just when I thought sitting four rows down from the pulpit in GH was unrighteous; I had to sit outside and watch a TV screen on Sunday for my first church service since I’ve been here. I didnt write jack down!

15. On the Nepa front, a visitation of light causes much panic activities around the house as everyone scrambles to boil some water, use the microwave, iron their clothes et al! You are never sure when next you have that opportunity - electricity in Naija is a luxury!

16. I come go Sheratonne (not Sheraton), na soso Oyinbo people dey there o (they like betta life), u no go no say na Naija u be. We too come go siddon for pool side like say we get money boku plenty plenty. Even water sef, we no buy until we comot from the place. The important thing was that we went and where able to chill there!

17. Everyone has an opinion in Naija, even the mad man! My advice - stick with yours!

18. I had to wake up the other day at 3am to do some ironing when I realised that Nepa had been gracious! Can you imagine that?

19. People get monthly Nepa bills even with the absence of electricity supply. Bills could be as high as N15/20K at times, well for the average household. Surely, they are paying for darkness - not to have light! What absurdity!

20. My nephew is cute and very peaceful. The only problem is that he tends to baptize me with (that baby thing babies bring from their mouth (abeg I no no wetin I go call am for Oyinbo language)- eyama) most times when I carry him; its almost like a set up now!

21. Day 12 saga. Na so I won comot for awa main gate. Gate man come say which house I dey come from. Hims ay, he no no my face. How e for know when my face when NEPA no even dey dat morning!. Wetin he go take look my face with? I tell am o - the house wey I comot from but him behave like say he no hear me, he come say him no go let me pass, say make I go call someone from the house wey I comot from. Him say, wetin I carry for my bag. Me I don vex by this time, I tell am say na person head I carry for bag. Him come say, person fit be housegirl and for don go steal. I come dey think to myself say, the way I dress to match like dis, how I go come look like housegirl. When my broda con come, he ask am if I look like housegirl, he now no fit talk! The rest na history but I abuse am well well o - I was pxxxx. I tell you, insults know no boundaries in Naija!

22. Naija is survival of the fittest in every facet!

23. Had a dare devil for a cab man on day 12! Traffic was so bad that day, the whole of VI was gridlocked. At one stage, he faced oncoming traffic in order to make some head way! Which head way? Dat one na 1-way ticket to heaven!

24. In Naija, there are corporate prostitutes and corporate gigolos!

25. Police escorts with sirens usually hold a whip of some sort like koboko to wipe cars out of their paths. Very cruel!

26. Went to view a rental property and as we approached the property, we asked the driver how the place is when it rains. He answered swiftly that there are no road problems after it has rained. Shortly after, an old high school friend went by (not seen her since we left) and told me that opting for the property in question will make me cry out my eyes once it rains. No ounce of truth from an average Naija person!

27. Saw a man reverse from one main road and continued reversing into yet another main road. I thought I had just witnessed a movie stunt and started looking out for the cameras to ensure I was well featured in it. Yeah right!

28. Attended a meeting on day 13 at one of the major banks. One of the guys started hitting on me straight up without even hiding it. I told him where to go and my boss reminded him of his 3.4 children at home! No shame!

Na so danfo man too dey tell me say hin love me. He dey even blow me kisses! What a jerk!

29. Attended Household of God for their midweek service. They sang the national anthem at the end of the service! ????????????????????????????

30. Day 14 - took a cab to work and it was the most derelict cab I had taken to date. It was like even the seats were held together by a shoe string! Then I started feeling sleepy - my God, I fought tooth and nail to keep awake. I dozed off a few times, then it suddenly felt like daylight had finally broken through only for me to discover a ’sweet sensation’ food pack behind the driver’s seat. You 4 see how fear grip me o, I hadn’t seen or noticed it there before, so my mind did a playing around! I got to work safely! Thank God!

31. You are a ‘mugu’ if you don’t haggle in Lagos. Haggling is a way of life! I don learn the act o. In fact, me too dey shakara people now!

32. My daily cost of transportation here is higher than what my daily cost was in jand!

33. Went through Sandgrouse on day 14 and I saw men carry raw meat literally over their shoulders. It was an horrifying site. And to think people will go and buy that for food is even more appalling. On the same note, I saw meat for suya hung on filthy walls until they were ready to be suya’d. Suya lovers beware!

34. Yet another man on Falomo bridge with an overly excessive skin over one part of his face.

35. Lekki is just a farce with magnificent structures but no infrastructures.

36. Day 14 - did I mention dare devil driving by the cab driver in the morning, I had an even darer-devil of a company driver in the evening. His driving was something else! At one stage as I stared at the ocean below 3rd mainland bridge, I had to remind baba God of the pact I had with him before coming down to Lagos and that that pact didn’t include dying!

37. Still on this day 14, I went to use the loo only to discover there was no water in the building to flush. Luckliy, I hadn’t done a biggie! And thank God for hand sanitiser in my handbag; even after applying it I still didn’t want to touch anything. Lagos na real wa!

38. Day 15, still no water at work. After lunch I became pressed to wee but with no water to flush I had to hold myself. As I sat almost bursting and tranced, someone asked if I was in a deep thought. So I voiced out my predicament, only to be told there was water to use in another loo. To think I endured all that for nothing! Phew! What a relief after discharging a litre of …..

And that’s it for this week o! Do check out my blog site details below, pass it on and post your comments there!

Have a great and lovely week.

Always,

Lola