Naija Week 6

Hiya,

Enjoy!

And do keep the comments flowing!

1. Picture this: I felt like having porridge (Asaro) for lunch on Day 26! Na so I come go Sweet Sensation o. I order fish and the Asaro. When I wan come pay, na im the cashier mention one big amount for the food wey I order. Na only small money dey my hand and if say I don see the price of the fish before I order am, I for no buy am at all. Anyway, I just do sisi and pay the woman the money. I enjoyed the fish sha but not the Asaro. Meanwhile, na ‘lepa’ top I go wear to work today. I don forget say when you wear lepa top, dat no be the time to go chop asaro or any heavy food. I finish the food pampam but embarassment now wan catch me wen my belle begin to protude through my lepa top. Na so I come pull my belle inside so dat he go look say my belle still dey kampe. Now, I wan shakabulla so dat my belle go get room again! I tell you my people, fashion na punishment o.

2. Hey, I made my debut clothes purchase over the weekend! I was just tired of not having any skirts to wear to work and having to ‘borrow’. Thats what happens when you are used to wearing junk to work and suddenly you find yourself in a position that warrants power-dressing! I can’t say the price was reasonable!

3. I also made my debut abuse on day 26 on my way to work. I was annoyed with the way a danfo driver had blocked the road after being stuck there for almost 45minutes - I told him ‘dat his head was not correct’! Direct translation!

4. The utmost priority to a Lagos motorist is that his car starts. Never mind the state of the car or whether its being held together by a shoe-string!

5. I went to an eatery during the week to get something for brekkie! You won’t believe that I stood there and was not able to count N240 before the cashier. I just couldn’t get my head round it. Maybe, I’d been starved beyond comprehension, hence why I lost the ability to figure out how many notes make up N240! Hunger no good o!

6. We had power supply on Sunday evening! So shocked was I at the phenomenon that I left my mouth agape for almost 60secs! Wonders will never end!

7. I don begin chop biscuit wey mallam dey sell! It look like say my body don begin acclamatise! Actually, the truth be say, hunger don catch me well well, so when I was offered I no even get strength to do shakara!

8. Anyone watching the West African Idols at the moment? Picture this: this guy turned up with a rag around his head, in a singlet, in un-matching slippers to sing a yoruba song! Simon Cowell would have cowered! Another one turned up to sing - you could tell clearly that he was a ‘mayguard’ (security man)! And another thing - is it a West African Idol or Gospel Idol, becos nasoso ‘great is thy faithfulness’ Lagos people dey sing when they are asked to sing a 2nd song. We sure have a way a redefining things!

9. Attended a meeting the other day and we had an official from hell. He seemed out to mar our presentation! Who says na only oyinbo people dey do dat kin thing?

10. Had a dose of Naija workmanship! Gave a mechanic an appointment for 7am, he turned up at 9am. He was suppose to finish at 2pm, he turned up at 6pm. One of the components he had mended became ‘unmended’ barely an hour after. He called to say he was on his way and we didnt hear from him until 12 hours later the next day. He says again that he is on his way to finish off and didnt turn up until 8hours later. Now, which part of African timing have you not comprehended by now or that adults don’t lie?

11. Picture this: I went to a salon to retouch my hair. As the hairdresser was about to wash off the relaxer, na im I come notice the hair wey dey under her armpit. Haba, the hair don grow pass the place wey God assign for armpit hair to be o. The hair sef look say na im need relaxer and not my own hair wey dey for my head. Lagos na real wa o.

12. Can you believe it, they are still celebrating the ‘valentine’ season! Habi, na Naija person invent valentine?

13. Ope o, I had 3 square meals for the time ever since I came on day 26!

14. I saw a recruitment ad in one of the major newspapers read - ‘Enemies Wanted …..26 years max …..Uncomfortable with the comfortable …..’

15. Na so two people for the same team for work come to office o wearing exactly this same thing! Be careful where you shop!

16. Hmm, I got tempted again for poundo at the bukka - e be like say I no learn my lesson the first time. Anyway, I ordered ogbono and igbin this time around! Ha, e sweet o! And guess what? I paid the price for it yet again! And at the point of ‘delivery’ there was no water to flush! Can you imagine! I was just mad with the office!

17. Formula: Heat + Hunger + Traffic - Aircon = Suffer Head in Lagos!

18. Day 28 - na im I come see dundun and akara for sale for road side by gutter. I come dey salivate but I knew that would be a sudden death wish!

19. Lagos traffic is a drive or die a ‘mugu’ affair. It took 2 hours to get from Shoprite to Osborne road (VI to Ikoyi) on one of the days this week. This is just crazy! It looks like Lagos gets gridlocked at least once a week! The rest is history …………

20. Can you imagine, the first time I go go work in my ‘eshin’, the AC no work! Very typical!

21. It hit 35 degrees centigrade on day 27 at the peak of the day! And people are still suited & tied up in this heat! Haba! This surely is the time to go about in skimpies and lie on the beach side in your swim wear! Yeah right! Monkey dey work; baboon dey chop - dat na wetin dey happen for Lagos o!

22. Here is a typical Lagos scenario: In a supossedly residential environment, you will find some residential homes, at least a church, shops and school! What a mix! There seems to be more buildings for shops than places to live.

23. There is a church in every nook and crany in Lagos! I wished the number of churches reflected a good moral level in the society!

24. I heard on the radio that there is now 50k, N1 & N2 coins in order to add value to the Naija currency. Exactly what value is it adding when you can’t buy something for N2! I don’t think they took counsel from the ‘mekunu’!

25. People go for church services first thing in the morning before going to work! This can only happen in Naija!

26. The word copycat doesn’t do justice to the number of company names being used here that actually exist abroad! I have even seen duplicate names within Lagos! I’m almost certain too that western artistes don’t get Royalties from having their songs played in Naija! Royal … what? When I once mentioned it to someone, the response was that the artistes should even be glad that their songs were being aired!

27. I was in shorts and a dress shirt on day 29 and attended a couple of meetings. Na so, one of the guys come say I look like ’solja’! Instead of him to say I dey intimidate am, he say I look like solja! E come laf wen I tell am say I came ready for the meeting! On day 28 wey I wear mini skirt, na im plenty people say I look cute, I dey show hot legs, I dey cause commotion, I look good; meanwhile the day wey I cover leg abit, na ‘owo’ I get. You can’t win!

28. Day 30 - hurray, there was some rain and so the weather is a bit cool! My God, can you believe that I have survived 6 whole weeks in Naija? Thank God for his mercies!

29. I went to this famous Shoprite o with the mind of getting one or two items. So I when I picked a pack of cereal and did a mental conversion to pounds and it came to almost 3pounds, I quickly dropped it! In fact, I left the store empty handed - A whole shopaholic like me!

30. Na so, I see one man yesterday wey won get on Okada with a 15feet ladder - picture this!

And thats all for this week. Look out for week 7 stories! Thanks for reading!

Have a lovely weekend!

Always,

Lola