Howdy Y’all!
It’s been ages o! My last posting was a few good weeks back – skipped Week 44 – no gist to tell in jand; missed Weeks 45 - 48. I was system-less for the bulk of the time hence why I couldn’t write anything. Abeg no vex my people – a thousand apologies! Just as well that I’d been wishing you merry Xmas since last month, because suddenly Xmas is round the corner and this year has certainly gone!
To think I’ve lasted and stayed this long in Las Giddy – 11months is worth a celebration. Did I hear you gasp? Yes o, 11 months in this crazy city!
To my avid readers and writers – thanks for everything and for the encouragements over the months!
So much has happened since but some of the events of the last few weeks are now stale, so I will skip the stale bit.
Here goes!
1. This first one is stale but valid! My conclusion from my recent jand trip is that the brits are as cold as their weather! I had such an unpleasant time; it was countdown to home time every day. So you think, customer service is still non-existent in Naija; believe me, it is equally the same in most places in jand. Did an intercity rail travel and stood for the duration of the entire journey as there was not a single seat going spare – and you think it’s only on molues you stand or that tickets are oversold!
Got insulted by the hotel manager and the cab services we used were nothing to write home about. Cabs turned up when un-required and didn’t turn up when required; early or overly late! This was particularly so bad that on the day of our departure, I ordered 10 cabs to accommodate the number of travellers and after sending us the first two, the office refused to send any more and this was a race against time as we had a coach to catch.
As if that wasn’t enough, the coach turned up about 40minutes late with no apologies. Ok. Then, it was a struggle to fit in everyone’s luggage into the luggage compartment of the coach! You know your people now, agaga the first timers – they bought the whole of jand!
Without even starting the journey, it was already stressful! The airport wahala was another one. I had only 3kg of excess to dissipate; had to sort out payment for ticket date change and then there was the small issue of an 18kg hand-luggage! I had to bin the 3kg of excess – fine but my hand luggage stuff where mainly books & my laptop. At the security scanning point, I needed to expose my laptop, only to discover I couldn’t find the key to the case. After much search, the security man said he will pass it through but if anything looked out of place, then they will yank it open. It passed – thank God; then I couldn’t find the rest of my stuff that had gone through the check point. Apparently, because I had spent so much time there, the officers thought someone had forgotten them and so taken my stuff away. That was eventually redeemed. Then we had to take off our shoes as final security checking! They sure have taken away the joy of travelling!
After all said and done, at the point of final boarding, a lady just asked to check my hand luggage and as she carried it, she told me I would have to check it in. I was asked to take out anything I needed on the plane so that they could tag it. They tagged it alright and I was shown where to drop it. It was by the plane door and seeing no one was there as I worked past, I just took in my tagged hand-luggage onto the plane! Whala!
As I was about to finally relax, I discovered my passports were missing! And there went panic! How would I explain to the officials in Las Giddy how I got on with no PP to tender. So I began to search and search. Finally found in one of the bags placed into the planes hand luggage compartment. By this time, I was trembling and had to take some cups of water to calm my nerves!
What a trip!
2. Guess what insect I saw recently? Skirt and Blouse! Does anyone remember those two-tone insects that were supposedly responsible for inflicting some swelling on ladies faces?
3. I’ve been thinking about Indomie noodles and how its only this brand that had dominated the market for about 20 years now. Suddenly, there seems to have been a market outburst this year with several variants now out – Nunu, Mimee, O!, etc. Was the market monopolised?
4. My laptop repair that would have cost me at least £100 or more only cost me the equivalent of £36 in Las Giddy! No place like home!
5. Picture this: Was about to make some egg delicacy. I broke the first two eggs without any fuss and then the third was a rotten one! On my, my! Was the smile sickening or what! I couldn’t eat anything eggs for the next few days and had to bin the remaining eggs from that batch! No be by printed expiry date you go take no if egg don spoil or not o!
6. Here’s my little take on people from the 3 main areas of the country! If you see a mad man, he’s likely from the western part! If you see a hawker man, he is likely to be from the eastern part! If you see a beggar, he is likely to be from the northern part! What’s your take?
7. Electricity supply has gone from bad to worse, worse to worst, and worst to worstest! It’s also come to our knowledge now that the electrical wiring for our entire house is shady and shoddy! God help!
One minute (when we do occasionally have light), we have extremely high voltage and the next minute, its below sea-level! It is difficult and dangerous to leave anything plugged into the socket!
8. I tumbled upon a supermarket that stocked the only brand of rice I recognise in this whole world – Tilda! A 10kg bag was priced at N8,500! My jaw dropped and my heart sank when I saw the price knowing fully well that it only cost about N2,750 in jand ! We dey suffer here! I tell you the things that are expensive are heavily expensive!
9. Picture this: my first police ‘egunje’ encounter! A couple of weeks back, I was driving home and was stopped at the police check point. As I was mouthing to the officer wondering why I had been stopped, he came round and said to me that he’s certain I’m wondering why he had stopped me. He proceeded to say that there was no reason for being stopped but that he was thirsty and will appreciate if I could give him something to cool his thirst. I told him I had water in the trunk but that it would be very hot by now. So, he requested that I give him some ‘ego’ instead to buy chilled water from the hawkers. I reached into my bag and gave him some money! Na wa o! Just makes you wonder what state our service men are in!
10. Then, I witnessed another open ‘egunje’ request a few days later. This time around in an eatery! My guests had been well spotted to be freshers and this guy just came around and kept hailing them blah, blah. He was eventually given something!
11. Picture this: A hooligan encounter! I was on my way home one evening stuck in traffic. Then this policeman on a bike with a danfo full of God-knows-what kind of people began to harass people to pave way for them. Pave way when there was already no way. I just remained in my lane unperturbed. I felt they should be the ones to move since they were the ones in a ‘hurry’! Then they started shouting at me to move for them. I became livid when they began to urge me to move and beat my car and hit my windscreen. I refused. They cursed but I remain unperturbed! Then one of them jumped on my car and I just continued to move on – as in if you want to die, that’s fine by me! He quickly jumped off my bonnet when he saw that I was equally spitting fire! The ‘fight and face’ I put on particularly shocked them. Such drivers and occupants intimidate women and women usually succumb to such madness! Eventually, they paved way for themselves without me moving off for them! What nuisances!
Las Giddy isn’t for the faint-hearted. Be ready to be hardened and aggressive to survive here; except of course you won’t be plying the roads!
12. Picture this: Na so I won comot for house one morning and I com see Hummer for our compound! I com wonder if to say one celebrity don join us now! Na so me and my other neighbour com dey wonder for a few days until we realised we might have neighbours from hell! Suddenly having a hummer around was no biggie as the novelty quickly wore out. I quickly classified the thing as lousy, ghostly and noisy. In fact, the thing looks as monstrous as its name! My God, you should hear the sound when they are moving it! Before we knew it, car park became a luxury as it took the whole space and being very naija, they just parked it anywhere, anyhow not caring for the owners of the space they were using! I com dey wonder wetin person who fit get hummer dey do for rented apartment – abi na just for shakara or otherwise?
13. Then, there’s been an increase in traffic lawlessness in Las Giddy. Traffic has gone manic! There is no such thing as off-peak driving anymore as there is traffic at anytime of the day you decide to travel. Some dumb-brains decided to dig up the roads endlessly to bury gas pipes or so. But this has just worsened motorist woes.
14. And should you think that the traffic is enough reason to prevent you from getting to your salon for a good ol’ fashioned manicure and pedicure, then ‘malam’ fit do am for you for road side. Na true I talk o! You can guess their clientele!
15. My nephew turned one last weekend and amongst those celebrating with us was RMD and his family. My people, when I tell you me sef don become celebrity, believe me o. Na so, he siddon with him wife whilst dem pikin go play. As my mama, com call me to introduce me, I just quickly reverse gear to ‘foney’! Ok, ok!
He’s nice natured and they gelled with everyone around; even stayed for quite a while!
16. Picture this: So last Monday, I got up and left for work earlier than normal. Was happy I got in ok and then I realised that I had left my house key in the key hole of my entrance door! ‘Twasn’t funny! A few thoughts just flashed through my mind! Neighbours from hell; a ‘meguard’ et al. So I called up one of my other neighbours who had some family members at home. Eventually, I was able to get one of them to help me go remove the key from the door before sending someone round later to retrieve it from them! Phew! Imagine if there was no one to rely on to get it for me! I definitely would have had to go back home but the traffic was terrible and that would have meant the key being out there for that long. In fact, I just don’t want to imagine what may have happened. Thank God!
17. Here is a common phrase / curse you will hear people hurl at one another now especially in the face of mad, manic traffic: ‘God punish your papa’! Hmm, no further comment!
18. Hurray, got a letter from the estate the other day that the ‘Lagos State Waste Management’ collection service is scheduled to begin refuse collection from the estate. Na im I com dey wonder wetin the entire estate has been doing for refuse collection since its existence! I hate to imagine this one too!
19. New Honda Accord don land o! Trust us Naijas to knack it in time for Christmas!
20. Frost-free freezer concept no dey work for Naija o. Na de freezer wey dey block well well go do justice. Oyinbo man think se, dey don do us favour – mba, dis one no be favour. With NEPA in action, your freezer content are thawed within hours, but at least this old fashioned freezer, it will take a while for the block to melt; the only thing is that you will get a wet floor!
21. It doesn’t feel Christmassy at all. Or maybe na jand syndrome dey worry me still. As you know, na Christmas period depression dey worry people pass for jand.
22. We’ve got 2 days Muslim holidays this week forthcoming week and then Christmas next week. If I was to count the number of public + ad hoc holidays we’ve had this year, I’m certain it will be almost 20 days or so. I’m not complaining sha! Its all good!
23. And finally, for those of you coming down for holidays, na money kill am o! Make sure you come with loads, this way you can buy your comfort in Las Giddy!
And that is it!
Have a splendid holiday season and stay safe!
Always & Always,
Moi (Still here, Keeping It Real!)
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