Naija Week 15

Hi Folks,

Sorry for the delay - the blog was good and ready to roll on Friday but the ISP connection played up because of the rain - just when I thought it was only in jand that we blame everything on the weather!

Week 15 and still counting! Trust y'all doing great! I'm thinking of wrapping up my Las Giddy blogs / journal. What do you all think? Should I stop or should I go on? Do let me have your feedback as majority will / may carry the votes! Hope you are not yet bored out of your socks reading it :)

Enjoy!

1. Went out with some friends to a restaurant called 'The Londoners' in GRA - mimicking a jand pub setting. It was nice and I had a mixed grill - it was very, very filling and tasty - fries, pork chop, chicken, mushrooms, egg, sausage et al. I chop dem all!

In the same light, I had the best 'porridge' so far in Munchies! So, there are places to go eat out when y'all decide to brave it down here!

2. Had the presidential elections over the weekend. Didn't vote as I wasn't able to register so I spent my day sleeping, lounging, eating and watching TV!

3. Over the weekend still, I just awoke for some strange reason at 2.30am to notice one of the power lines in the Estate sparking up seriously before it finally exploded, giving up the ghost and plunging us all into darkness! It was during this night that I experienced the 'singing mosquito' for the 1st time since I came back to Las Giddy - just when I thought they were a thing of the past!

4. I went past two of my old schools that I attended over 25years ago - the private one portrayed me as 'an olodo', whilst the public one portrayed me as an 'omowe'! Na wa ya o! Never trust child labelling especially negative ones!

5. Attended Latter Rain church where the Pastor made some controversial and bold pronouncements concerning Naija!

6. Day 72 - saw and went past a fire engulfed mass transit bus on the 3rd mainland bridge on my way home - don't know if anyone was unlucky to be in it and hope to God that there was noone caught up in it. There was no fire service officials on site or any attempt to quench it. It was left to burn whilst people drove past it in thick and dangerous fumes. 'Twas completely razed when I went past it on day 73!

7. I seem to be seeing some strange and 'still intact' posters of Las Giddy governorship candidates - names and parties unheard of, even after the elections have been deemed over and done with!

8. Bumped into someone at one of my meetings who seemed to recognise me from over 25 years ago! Shame, I couldn't recollect the name or setting of acquaintance with this chap! Does that mean, I haven't changed over all the years that people instantly remember my face? Habi, make I go change my face?

9. Heard an ad on Day 74 - Buy 2 cars and get 1 free - not just BOGOF but BTGOF! This can only happen in Naija! Fancy this happening in jand - lailai!

10. The heavens opened up during the day on day 74. V.I became notoriously flooded within a few hours; even the Mainland did better than the Island! Saw a man walking without his trousers as he'd removed it to keep it from getting soaked!

Traffic Report: left Lekki at 4.45pm and got home at 9.15pm!

11. Shock! Electricity was supplied about 12.30am last night and was still on even as of the time I was leaving home this morning. So surreal was it that I didnt sleep well at all as I kept anticipating when it will be taken again. This length of power supply is the first of such that I've experienced at home since I came back 14weeks and 6days ago! Halleluyah!

Have a restful and splendid week!

Its moi, keeping it real in Las Giddy!

Always & Always,

Lola

Naija Week 14

Hi Y'All,

Yet another week - Thank God for his mercies! Still hanging in here and desperate for a holiday!

Happy Reading!

1. Went out during the election at the weekend - actually drove to my Uncle's place! I didn't know I could be that brave!

2. Was on the phone the other day to my family in jand and as I was chatting, I yelled at someone on this side of the conversation. The person I was talking to in jand was so shocked at how I yelled and said I had become fully Nigerianised!

3. Day 67 & 68 - Had severe food poisoning - the worst in Naija and even in a long while now! I lost so much fluid. So much for SA Rice Krispies, Powdered Peak milk and TFC Pam's rice! It developed between having breakfast and lunch! It was not funny! I couldn't eat anything decent for days!

4. Day 68 - Whilst recovering from the FP, I spilled water down my shirt just as I was about to enter a meeting on a client site! Can you imagine! I jus do yanga about it when I was being laughed at! What else could I do!

5. Managed to get another driver after weeks of going downmarket - We thank the Lord!

6. A very common site in Las Giddy is that people just perch anywhere to 'piss' whenever and wherever they like! No respect for public or private properties / roads!

7. Oh! I attended the first church ever to have air conditioning - it was awesome. I'm sure you won't be surprised if this becomes my home church! Ok, ok, apart from the AC, I actually enjoyed the service, something I hadn't really experienced in a while!

8. The commonest clothing colour that people wear daily in Naija is 'White', despite the heat and the amount of dust pollution around. Now you don't want to see what that becomes at the COP!

9. Day 69 - Worst ever traffic day since being in Lagos! Return trip to and from work was 6hours! A part of my trip in the morning that should only take 15minutes cost me 2hours because of a tanker that lost its head - not just being jack-knifed but decapacitated! I'm not sure of any casualties but from the remnant I saw, it was a miracle the entire lorry had not burst into flames. Thank God for his mercies! And here was me being cross with the driver for being un-agreeably late that morning!

10. I have lost much weight yet again especially because of the FP and I seem to have a sudden outbreak of postules on my face due to Naija and work stress!

11. One of the new initiatives being carried out in the church I attended over the weekend is to build offices and toilets for the police stations within that environ. Apparently most of the police stations do not have toilet facilities let alone offices to work from; most of them hang around under trees! No wonder there is so much bribery, corruption and crime. To hear this is so painful! How can they serve and protect effectively? Still on this topic, I saw a battered police van on patrol. It was so bad, I could barely make out the make, model or colour. There was only one functional headlight; the other head lamps were non-existent!

12. My first Naija work project is about to go live, so this week has been nothing short of being chaotic and manic. I was in a meeting yesterday with 12 men in attendance and I was the only lady amongst them! Working in Naija especially in a male dominated environment is a different ball game entirely. I've had to toughen up these last 3 months to earn respect! Nawaya!

13. There were some other depressing events this week and even for the past few weeks now that I can't even begin to mention or articulate in this forum. Its all good sha!

14. And tomorrow is the day for the much awaited Presidential elections! It is well with Naija o - God's perfect will is definitely set to prevail.

I await your comments / emails as usual - make it better by blogging it at http://lagosdiary.Blogs4Rus.com

Have a good and great one.

Always as Always,

Lola - Keeping It Real in Las Giddy!

Naija Week 13

Hello All,

Here's my Naija Experience for Week 13! Enjoy!

1. Developed a big postule on my forehead and a friend called it a unicorn! For me it was a SoS - Sign of Stress! Took a few good days with prayers before it finally vamoosed!

2. Attended my first ever fashion catwalk show over the weekend. It was very interesting! I tell you, Nigerians are becoming more creative and shockingly daring!

3. Day 60 - Good Friday! I was one step away from dying of B& L!

4. Day 61 - Family quanta don start!

5. You never know when you will get paid at work. Its so terrible salary payments are often late by almost a week. Just when I thought such things didn't happen again. My people its not funny o!

6. Braced myself for my 2nd driving attempt in Naija on Day 61. Went to re-fuel the car and didn't know where / how to open the tank. Luckily, the pump assistant beat me to it and saved me a whole load of embarrassment. Still on this day, so bored was I that I decided to handwash my car myself! It was an experience seeing a 'Sisi' do this chore! This is a very rare sight in Naija!

7. Still going downmarket, that is, cabbing to and from work!

8. Day 63 - Picture this! Had to board a cab as mentioned and the inevitable happened whilst on 3rd mainland bridge - flat tyre! Haya! E no funny o! The driver com park on the lane wey near the water side; anywhere I look na jus water I dey see - meanwhile I no fit swim. I com comot for the moto feeling confused. I bring out my phone to dial 999, then I remember say na Naija proper I dey. Then I wan call AA, then I com to my opolo (senses) dat na Naija proper proper I dey. Then I begin flash down cars wey dey pass, to beg anyone wey go stop carry me comot for the bridge, when fear grip wen the bridge begin to shake / vibrate. My God! Then I com realise say standing behind the cab na dangerous place to be, so I go stand for the front! Somehow, I begin calm small small telling myself say na morning, in the daylight and dat hope dey to comot from there in one peace. If na night time, my people, I go don run comot from there! True, true; because hope no dey wen you break down for 3rd mainland bridge for night - then you need the mercy of God a 100 times more! Anyway, before further fear go let me begin piss on myelf, the driver say e don finish make I enter car again! Na waya o! Thank God for his mercies!

9. 2 days of public holidays got declared half way through the day on Wednesday because of the forthcoming elections even though they are taking place on Saturdays; so this week has ended up being a 2-day working week! This can ONLY happen in Naija! Don't you just love it!

10. Got to present my 7-digit cheque on Day 64. Even me sef ready to gazump dem now if better com my way! Dat na d Naija style!

11. Acquired my Naija Driving Licence on Day 65 without doing a test or going to the DL office! Wished jand could operae this way, wouldn't have failed my test 3 times before finally passing those years ago! Ha, Naija sha!

12. Guber elections dey take place tomorrow - Saturday 14th!

Thats all folks! Take care and have a lovely weekend! Remember to post your comments at the blog site!

Always,

Moi

Naija Week 12

Hi Y'All,
Happy Easter Celebrations; though I'm not in the slightest mood for celebrations :(

For the first time in 3 months, I didn't want to post a blog update! But its all good sha!

Anyway, this is all I have for this week! Enjoy!

1. WOABD - will leave that for you Einstein's to decipher!

2. Didn't get to present my 7-digit cheque as I was gazumped yet again! Integrity is a far-fetched word in Naija - lots of people lack it because they don't even know it exists!

3. NEPA / PHCN has been at their most gracious best these last few days since I've been here! Not even sure whether to be happy at this, because I've been so used to not having electricity supply! Iya o da o!

4. Seen a particular type of shirt design on at least 20 people over these last few days - must be a designer uniform or something!

5. Went visiting the other day and saw a master bedroom almost the size of some people's abode in jand!

6. Saw a 'Molue' with lights on - I mean full lights plus extra lights! It was shocking!

7. Day 57 - counted 8 formed lanes at a stage on the 3rd mainland bridge on my way to work! Naijas can form the maximum out of the minimum!

8. In Las Giddy, its almost only a matter of time before your old / new car gets scratched - proper baptism of road usage!

9. Day 59 - saw a dead horse by the wayside on the famous bridge. I wonder what killed it and for how long it will remain there before it bursts or before someone thinks it will make good pepper soup! Also, there's a place to sight monkeys on the mainland, just in case you are interested but I have not been fortunate enough to see them yet with my korokoro eyes!

Thats all.

Thats 3 months of .................... in Naija! Have a great Easter break!

Always & Always,
Moi

Naija Week 11

Howdy Y'All,

Here's all I have for this week! Your comments will be most welcome at the blog site! Cheers!

1. Nigerians are oppressors! There are places you visit that you won't believe that you are in Naija! Even Oyinbo no say na the truth I dey tell!

2. Went to the cinema for the first time since I arrived in Las Giddy! It was an experience and definitely better than what you get in jand. The AC was so sharp I was chilled to the bones. Even the seats were heavenly!

3. Currently going through a challenge that I thought was only peculiar to jand! Na wa sha. God dey!

4. Lagos drivers seem subdued when driving at night!

5. I witnessed drrrrrrrrrrooooooooooollllllllllliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggggggg first hand! Dont ask me on what!

6. Day 51 - The heavens opened up on Monday morning! Saw an overturned Honda jeep on the 3rd Mainland Bridge. Traffic was chaotic. Some people got into work almost 2/3 hours late!

7. Cried for the 1st time since I came down on day 51. Just when I thought my tears well had dried up. Its all good sha!

8. Seen more plasma TVs here than in jand. Its in fashion in every nook and cranny! Also seen more designer accessories on people in Las Giddy than I ever did in jand! I tell you, everyone is almost a fashion police in their own right! Na so I go price one 'G' shoes for shop. I run comot when I heard the price and did pound conversion in my mind, yet this is what Naija babes buy daily like they are buying from 'Bata'!

9. Anyone for herbal remedies? 'Agbo' is hawked on the streets openly. Abeg forget 'Forever Living'!

10. Opened up the tear well again on day 52 - just kinda feeling down. I'm kool! Ended up at the cinema after work to diffuse.

11. Got a business call from one of our clients at 6am the other day. Can you imagine the abuse of time!

12. Naija redefines peer pressure. Peer pressure is on a different level here! Forget the kind of pressure they talk about in jand - they should come to Naija to get their definition!

13. I have not had a decent night sleep for almost two weeks now. Don't know why I'm awake by 2am most nights!

14. Picture this: Day 53. I had the 'unfortunate' reason of getting a cab to work - going downmarket as one of my faithful readers calls it. As soon as I got in, na swarm of 'yumuyumus' greet me! My God! Just when I thought my blood was now stale. Na so I come dey fight to kill and chase out as many as I could.

During the course of this trip, na so we come enter hold-up and sleep dey catch me. I com decide to answer nature call. As I dey snooze sha, na so one yeye man just come near my window dey beg for money. You should have seen how startled I was! I looked up to see a man with 'kata n furu - missing teeth' grinning at me and telling me sey e no bi tif o, but he jus wan make I help am with anytin I get! Sleep comot for my eyes quick quick! Ha! Na wa!

Also, after all the previous episodes of getting in a cab and my clothes turning black by the time I got to my destination, I decided to wear black all through for this journey! And guess what? It paid off, as I was wiping off layers of soot from my face and legs by the time I got to the office.

15. On my way into work, I saw some 'Oyinbos' in 'lala land' whilst being driven to their destination! In the same vein, I saw a 'police anti-bomb squad' vehicle'! Wetin dey happen o?

16. Still on day 53 on my way back from work, I got a lift from a colleague who dropped me off at Ikeja. I had to walk through Ikeja market or so, fearing a million and one okadas from hitting me; also fearing being pushed into gutters as I walked through to where I could board a cab. It was such a traumatic experience!

17. I have an unaccountable number of insect / mosquito bite marks on my body - downside of wearing sleeveless or any such. Its the most I've witnessed since I came to Las Giddy!

18. A friend mentioned how a 'danfo' driver continued driving with 3 tyres and a rim after one of the tyres flew off whilst on 3rd mainland bridge. Trust me, we get real stunts here in Naija!

19. Day 54: I just could not face going into work after yesterday's experience moreso after my brother dropped another bombshell.

20. He was robbed again this time around losing everything he had on him - his phones, good amount of cash, brand new Sony Vaio laptop which he is even yet to pay for, et al. Robbed in February; robbed in March again! The irony of this was that I had gone through the same spot about 30/40 minutes earlier and couldn't understand why there was such traffic at that time of the day! God is merciful!

What the heck is happening in this country of ours? There's less home robberies but more road robberies in Lagos now - there's been a spate of these lately! It grieved my heart. I was down and out; perplexed and distressed; pained and irked; which other grammar can I use to describe my feelings? It is well!

21. Went through 'Oshodi' for the first time in my life on Day 53! I thought all there was to it was just the market!

22. Its amazing what frustration will make you do! I tried to get a cab down to a shopping precinct just a few miles down the road. The cab drivers were quoting prices that they should spanked for - it was just ridiculous. So out of desperation, I went back home to take the car as a do or die affair. I had not driven since I came to Las Giddy - some of you know why! Moreso, I have not even tried driving righthand in almost 16years or so. So, I got in the car, fiddled with it and drove. Got to my destination in one piece, even hooted a few times for 'the nuisance Okadas' to move out of my way! I got back home in one piece although clipping my mirror when I was 30seconds from home. I suddenly felt empowered; my brother was proud of me!

23. Picture this: Day 55! Since I came, this week has been the only time I've observed the most of 'NEPA' supplied light. So when the generator went out of fuel this morning, much to my delighted prayer, NEPA was gracious to us within 5minutes. As I walked going 'downmarket', the street lights were on - it was glorious and nouveau experience! It felt surreal! In fact, as I approached the cab rank, I saw a cab come by and I whistled ' in the Naija way' to beckon to the driver - it worked; he stopped. He mentioned his price and I immediately halved it. He said no, so I called his bluff - do shakara; he called me back - another winner!

For a change, I didnt wait for a single second, so there was no opportuntiy for soot to descend on me unlike the other day. Also, because the roads were lit, it was easier to spot the cab unlike previous times, when you can only more or less spot cabs by virtue of them having headlights or not! Yes, thats true. If you are standing in a dim area, don't even bother trying to stop any vehicle with full lights on, it will never be a Las Giddy Cab! If you see a vehicle with little or no lights, then it is more than likely to be a cab!

Anyway, the cab was clean; the winders and the locks worked; the seats were still intact with similar upholstery - I know why I'm saying this - no be, iya o ba babatan! It even had a working radio cassette player, so the driver from time to time alternated between radio and playing songs from his collection! At every opportunity he had, he was on almost 120mph - my God, just when I thought my driver over-speeds at 80mph! In short, he was a cousin of the dare-devil drivers and I was having PA's! He meandered and meandered through traffic in an unbelievable manner. Then I com dey regret say I haggle to half price, becos e com be like say he dey try to hurry back make e make d money wey he no fit chop from me! His driving got me to work in 1hour and 5minutes - record breaking! Guess wat? Na 'Ibo' man o!

24. Lagos will make you a believer if you don't believe in God. You need God on a micro by micro second basis, because you suddenly realise at times that you are at the mercy of others!

25. Heard that two Nollywood actors - Francis Agu and Tom West died recently - very tragic!

26. Wrote out my first 7-digit cheque ever .. I don becom ................

In short, this has been the most emotionally trying and traumatic week for me since I came to Naija!

Enjoy your weekend!

Always & Always,

Lola

RLC (Real Life Content)

Naija Week 10

Hi Y’All,

I just can’t believe I’ve been here for 10weeks now! Na wa sha!

Enjoy!

1. I had a near encounter with an ‘area boy’ at the weekend. Thankfully, I had reached the safety of the car before he realised that I had out-smarted him - he didnt find it funny!

2. I went to see a comedy show at the weekend. It was really nice and theuraputic - I laughed my head off! Saw some of our ‘Nollywood’ celebs!

3. I went somewhere still at this weekend and AC dey blow for the toilet! Money dey for this Lagos sha! Nawaya o!

4. Picture this on Day 49 a.m - Na so I come dey hear kurukuru for the bin wey dey my room when I dey sleep. My people, na run I run comot for room go sleep for sitting room because one small ‘ekute’ don dey terrorise us for some time now. E no even gree eat the poison wey we put for ground but I don think sey e don chop am. So if e don chop am, wetin dey do kurukuru for bin this morning? Needless to say, that was the end to my sleep. Now I am tired and out of it at work!

5. Status don change! Now my car gets a clean everyday as compared with four times a year cleaning my old one got! Not cleaning your car daily in ‘Las Giddy’ as someone nicknamed Lagos is unimaginable!

6. Saw a convertible mini in Lagos - nothing ever gets past this place I tell you! Even Bentleys and Ford Focus dey here too! Anyone seen the latest Honda CRV - innovation with a vengeance! I no say na jand dey get all these moto last!

7. Had to do a demo on day 48. As I was talking to the audience, I mentioned the word ‘Bank Holidays’ and they all started laughing at me that I thought I was still in jand; that there is no such thing as bank holiday in Naija but ‘pubulik holiday’!

8. I went to yet another nice restaurant courtesy of Cisco. Ordered some food one of which was beans, it had carrots in it - can you imagine that, anything for USP; it was nice and different!

9. Day 49 - we were both the ‘hitter’ and ‘the hit’ on the way to and from work. Thank God for his mercies!

10. Most Las Giddy driving lesson vehicles are in a very sorry state. In short, you won’t even want to take lessons in them. The cars I’ve seen thus far cannot even be described as mangled but extremely mangled out of shape, description and colour!

11. Saw a brand new armoured vehicle the other day - ’twas on its way to Ajah where there’s been severe land dispute feud. So all you land owners in Ajah, be careful and beware!

12. Fancy filling up your car petrol tank with 15 pounds? Then take a hike to Naija!

13. Picture this: 2 goats, 1 passenger and 1 motorcyclist driver all on an Okada! This can only happen in Naija! You are missing out o! Heya, make una begin book your ticket now, now!

Thats all for now for Week 10! Have a splendid weekend!


Always & Always,
Lola

Naija Week 9

Howdy Y’all,

Looking forward to your comments!

1. Had 3 square meals for the 2nd time in 8 weeks over the weekend! Still talking about the weekend, I was at my Uncle’s and his estate had electricity supply for almost the entire duration of my visit, except for about 15minutes of downtime. I just couldn’t believe my eyes that NEPA could be so kind! It turns out that some top-shots live in the estate hence the reason why residents are enjoying almost UPS! Fingers no equal o. Now me sef wan defect to this estate o !

2. Heard that PHCN (new name for NEPA) means Problem Has Changed Name! Very true! Just changed name but service is at its crappiest level ever!

3. Also heard that PDP means People Deceiving People and AC means Alliance for Corruption! No comment!

4. Picture this: for the life of me, I don’t recollect how I remembered the name ‘Akpan’ and ‘Eze’ (Eze goes to School!)! Does anyone still name their child ‘Akpan’ these days? Everybody dey do Jordan, JayZ, David, Nathan! Why you jand people no dey name your child Akpan? U dey opt for funky name! Don’t forget your root o!

5. Had the unnecessary reason to take a cab for a seminar on Day 41. By the time I got to my destination which should have technically taken 15minutes, it took 3 sheets of moist tissue paper to wipe my face and neck clean from black to an acceptable colour, till the next shower time! My shirt was not anywhere near the colour it was when I wore it! Ridiculous! I shouldn’t have even bothered having a shower before setting out!
Cab Rule #1 - Never wear any light coloured fabric. Stick to the blacks, greys or dark blues; the dirt acquired during your cab ride will not be very evident!

6. Seeing ‘foreigners’ on Okada is suddenly no longer a shocking sight for me! Saw one the other day where both the driver and passenger were foreigners!

7. Picture this: Day 41 seminar. The seminar was held at the Sheraton. At 12noon, people were still strolling in for a seminar that started at 8.30am. Mobile phones were a constant distraction! During the tea break, I saw a chap using his teaspoon to drink his tea, I mean feeding himself! Also saw another drink his tea with the spoon in the cup and when he was done he poured what had found its way onto the saucer back into the cup and drank it! Lunch time was buffet time - my God, buffet is never a good idea in a Naija setting. People ignored the starters and went straight for mountains on their plates. It was an alarming sight! Then I overheard probably one of the hotel managers that they were only expecting 20 participants but that there were almost double that number. Look like say some people don do ‘mo gbo, mo ya’! Na wa ya o. Some Naija people just lack the word ‘etiquette’, but then I can’t blame them etiquette na french word!

8. Had a first bout of ill-health - better now! But men, the realisation of not having my beloved GP to run to hit me for the first time since I came here! I miss jand o!

9. You can spot an ‘authentic’ Lagos chic by the state of the heels of her footwear! I have seen some sorry sights!

10. I’ve come to know more places in Lagos in two months than I ever did before I left for jand! Blame my folks! Now I know Obalende, Sandgrouse, Oyingbo et al.

11. Heard these surnames: Anishulowo (We get money for hand; habi na We get yam for hand?) and Owobamirin (Money dey walk with me / Money dey waka with me)! Nawa o! Talk about literal names!

12. Radio Ibon on Day 43! A whole ‘Dan Foster’ said …..’He should have came to Lagos’…. I think say he don undergo proper Naija baptism! Haba, a whole ‘Americana dey blow ibon for radio!

13. One of my days these week was a very quiet one. I was down and out; stressed and without energy; fighting ill-health; lacked the zeal for work and felt utterly demotivated. At the end of the day, one of my team members said he would pray extra hard for me that night so that I would start cracking them up again at the office; another said he wanted the ‘bubbly’ me back; another said the whole office was not the same without me; another said I livened up the place and that my quietness made everyone else quiet. I think Naija has turned me to a noise maker o! All this one about being quiet, a bi introvert keh! Which of you people out there no agree with me?

14. Its only in this Lagos that you will see lorries carrying huge containers without restrain! So it wasn’t surprising to hear that one turned on its side onto some cars during the week! May God help us!

15. Day 44 - heard a radio presenter or so refer to ‘Illegal Immigrants’ as ‘Illegal Aliens’! Hmmm, na person don become alien because dem dey for someone else country! Habi, dem don change body component too?

And thats it for this week. Have a splendid weekend!

Keeping it real in Naija!


Its moi, Lola!