Kiss of Life!

Hello Everyone,
Trust you are all blooming marvellous and have enjoyed the 1st quarter of the year! Well, if you haven’t, there’s still 9 months left for you to do something about it. Please be encouraged and don’t lose hope.
It is well with you.

Here’s another tale from our very own ‘Las Giddy’!

1. Picture this: After arriving from a much deserved, welcomed and ‘begged for’ break, I got a most welcoming present!
A friend came round and so I went out to open the gate. As I did, I saw a wriggly thing wriggling away from the door. I thought it was a worm but felt it was quite hot for a worm to be out and about. As I was still pondering, a red-neck lizard came and chopped de tin!

I returned to the entrance door with my friend following but no sooner had we stepped in, I just saw a tail-less snake-lizard in the hallway. I freaked out and was just shaken by its sight. Luckily, my friend was around to help chase it out. Phew!

You know we grew up hearing tales that it turns into a snake! But my people, is that really true; habi na me just dey fear fear? Perhaps the truth on this one will set me free! Hmmmmm!

2. So, a day after the event just narrated above, I was recounting the incidence to my neighbour when she cut me half-way that at least it was just a snake lizard I saw. Apparently, a few days before then, a venomous snake had been found in our very own compound and killed. Thankfully, it was spotted during the daytime as my neighbour attempted re-fuelling his generator. What if it was night-time, which is often not uncommon to re-fuel then? What if their children where out and about? In fact, the what-ifs are plenteous!

Thank God for his mercies as always!

3. Saw a life-less body during a visit to the Island; evidence of convulsion was still around him! 3rd body in 3years! The sad thing is that people around just went about their normal businesses without paying much attention to the dead Okada man nearby. For all we know, he may have been alive for a while and could have been saved, if attended to promptly.
I’ve been told severally, it’s a regular sight and people have just gotten accustomed to it.

Na wa o! I could still remember my 1st sight and how I was so shaken and was crying and the cab man was wondering whether I was going ‘kolo’ or something! Chei, 9ja don harden most people o!

4. Was plagued with Malaria and Typhoid fever at the same time but God came through for me! This was despite carrying my water everywhere I went (and still do) and living in a house that is mosquito-free! Yes, mosquito-free!

Just wondered how I became a victim to the illnesses. One thought was that it may have been through my constant eating-out.
My theory is that it may have been from the ‘Iya Alakara’ selling ‘Akara’ by the office. Its one of those places, I’d always believed the day I see the environment where the ‘Akara’ is being fried, that will be the day eating it will stop! Don’t mind me o, eating that ‘Akara’ as advised, was my attempt at building my immunity to the 9ja system!

5. I used up 500g of baby powder in 12 months! Na soso heat here!

6. For the 1st time as far as I can recollect, I made corned-beef stew that lasted 1 week in the freezer! Hurray, Nepa has surely improved over the last few weeks!

7. Picture this: NYSC Scene! People had mobile or should I say portable loos! In the hostel, ladies quickly devised their loo modus operandi. In the morning, you will just see ladies carrying their mini buckets with lids enter the bathroom area, pick a spot and sit on the bucket to do the big job. When done, dem go empty am into de toilet and flush comot (well if water dey)!

This way, with only 2 toilets to go round those needing to use each section of the available bathrooms (not sure how many toilets per floor, probably about 8 or so to serve several hundreds of people); several babes were doing the same job in the same way but to varying degrees! Especially when it’s just about a 10minute window you have before the sound of doom (that’s what I named the sound of the bugle) was heard in the early hours to beckon you to the assembly ground to be chanting ‘ora, ora, o raa’ – stupid and meaningless songs!

After babes don ‘shit’ finish, dem go go baf, make up and come dey pose for assembly ground! Na waya sha! Chei!

The scene reminded me of hot-air balloon races, where you see several of them floating in the skies!

God just help una, if you go carry one of this bucket borrow go use to baf!

8. Picture this: Red-Neck Affair! During a recent outdoor photo-shoot, I suddenly felt a talon-like effect on my left arm. Lo and behold, as I looked reactively, there was a red-neck lizzie on my arm and as I screamed and jerked, it hopped its way on peoples backs; a ladies toupee et al before it finally disappeared!
Oh, was I disgusted or what for the remainder of the event and even the day! Even as I’m re-living it right now, I’m having goose bumps!

9. Had another electricity near miss at home. Thank God as always for his protection. I was home one evening when I started smelling burnt cables. As I investigated, I realised the cables for my cut-out box had completely melted, baring the metal internals.

Whilst the electrician who came round 2 days after to carry out the repairs didn’t do a thorough job, he made certain revelations. The wirings for the change-over-box was on partial contact; the entire wiring of the house is apparently dire; the neutral of my generator had been connected to the neutral on the Nepa line; when I turn on my generator, some neighbours benefit from it; there’s severe overloading et al.

He categorically told me I was lucky to have been aware and at home at the time to have prevented the incidence from degenerating into a fire outbreak. Truly, I just thank God for His protection!

Oh, NICEIC where art thou? Too much shoddy jobs have certainly claimed several lives, I’m sure of that. Shame we don’t keep records! I’m sure most ‘cause of death on records’ will show ‘killed from village’ / ‘unnatural causes’!

10. Picture this: An inferno! One night at about 10.45pm, I went to the bathroom for a shower only to notice a glow on my bathroom wall. On looking out of the window to find out the source of the glow, I spotted an inferno from a nearby ‘Saw Mill’ market. By that time, one of my neighbours had also spotted it, as we watched from our various windows, as usual, 999 was the first thing on my mind before I realised I was in Las Giddy! As the fire spread, there was a sudden realisation that it may spread to the bordering mini estate and I knew a friend and his family who resided there; I was pushed to go see for myself. Just before I left the house, I made a call to my friend who apparently had been completely oblivious to what was going on nearby.

I went to the fire site. As I walked down, I joined countless others calling the 767 Las Giddy Emergency number (finally remembered our very own local ‘E’ number) to get a fire engine over. The line was engaged but some managed to get through.

At the start it was just one fire truck, thankfully, this story was different from the one I was used to hearing. THEY ACTUALLY HAD WATER TO COMBAT THE FIRE! But one truck wasn’t sufficient, as the fighters ran from one end of the market to the other trying to subdue the fire.
By this time, around 12.30am, a lot of the market stall owners had come round trying to salvage what they could from stores yet to be affected / already affected. Others wailed helplessly in the dead of night as they realised their means of livelihood had been reduced to ashes! The fact that the woods were thoroughly dried worsened the case.

As the fire began to spread to the 1st house in the mini estate, people climbed on roofs and poured and poured water until there was hope. Eventually, I think another 2 fire trucks came round and I would sincerely say that a lot of buildings around the vicinity would have easily become history if not for God and the intervention of the equipped fire trucks.

Whilst some people complained they (fire fighters) came late, my take is that at least they turned up, contained the fire and prevented loss of lives!

What caused the fire? Only God knows! See attached a recording from my mobile phone!

11. Picture this: ‘Kiss of Life’(well almost)! A while back when I was quite unwell, I had to visit the hospital a few times. On one of the occasions, a male Dokie had to see me. No be like jand wey you go have your own GP and na im go dey see you anytime wen you go hospital. Anyway, na so the dokie examine me. After, e finish, he say make I comot for bed make I com sidon. As I sidon, e come stand up, waka to where I dey come hold my hands to drag me up. Before I fit say ‘Jack Robinson….’ E don put im hands around me pull me towards himself and wan kiss me with im broken tooth! Sho!

I was in utter shock as I gathered some strength in my weak state to shrug him off. I wondered and pondered on so many things – the door wasn’t locked, anyone could have walked in. What would the Dokie have said? What would the people have said or thought? If I had responded, where would that have led to?

Na waya o. I go hospital for Malaria injection, na love injection I almost carry comot! Dokie, chase and chase o after. Kai, 9ja, anything can and does happen! No be the first time I go experience dis kin thing o for Las Giddy.

Until the next time stay strong, have fun, be good and May God bless you richly. As always, please feel free to forward to others and post your comments on the blog site!

Happy Easter!

Still Keeping It Real in Las Giddy!

Moi

Differences between 9ja and Jand!

Hello Y’All,
Howdy? Hope you are enjoying the cold or heat as the case may be for some of us! Just thought to give a different spinner to my blog this month! Hope you find my version of the differences exhilarating!

Happy Reading!


Racism
9ja: To get accommodation if you are from certain parts of the country na wahala!
Jand: To get certain jobs na wahala!

Business Owner
9ja: Go do work, to get your money na real yawa!
Jand: At least for jand, dem go stick to terms and conditions!

Fashion
9ja: 9ja babes dress to kill (at least most of dem – remember Jenifa – Sulia kan, Aiyetoro kan!)
Jand: Jand peeps no beat dem o!

Credit Style
9ja: Na empty vessels they make the most noise!
Jand: Same, same! No get plenty choice without credit!

Poverty
9ja: Mental and material poverty na im plenty pass!
Jand: I no know for dis wan!

Bribery
9ja: Dey for open kampe!
Jand: Sure say e dey happen but no be for open like our own – na so so sleaze tory you go just dey hear for news!

Population
9ja: Government no know how many people im get; how many people they die or how many pickin people dey come born/born for 9ja everyday! Anyone dey come 9ja born pickin?
Jand: Number control & measurement dey! Na so so jand everyone wan born dem pikin!

Passport
9ja: Green na ‘Red’ for ‘Stop’ at PP Control!
Jand: Red na ‘Green’ for ‘Go’ at PP Control!

Property
9ja: Mostly, if e dey for ground, na you get am!
Jand: Dis wan go take 25 years!

Rent
9ja: Chei! At landlord’s mercy!
Jand: Chei! At tenants mercy!

Airports
9ja: Arrival dims your expectations!
Jand: Arrival brightens your expectations!

Christianity
9ja: Hard to practice here! You remember the need for Jesus every millisecond!
Jand: Sheltered Christianity! You remember the need for Jesus maybe every other minute!

Integrity
9ja: Fou, fou, fou, foul! We get special dico – dat word no dey inside! Yes means Yes, Yes, then No!
Jand: Wat you see, no be wat you go get! Yes means Yes but ….

Germ transfer
9ja: You no go know the source and how far dat person hand / person don travel!
Jand: At least, you go no say na either from windowless office or from the tube!

Weather
9ja: Nice and warm! Go blacken you; go melt ya blood!
Jand: Cold and blunt! Go freshen you; go freeze ya blood!

Quality
9ja: You go see sumtin and no go know if na fake!
Jand: You go see sumtin and go know if na fake!

Respect
9ja: Las Giddy rats go see you and na you go run!
Jand: Jand rats go see you and na dem go run comot!

Egg
9ja: If egg don yama, you go know quick, quick!
Jand: With expiry date, e still no go be obvious!

Storage
9ja: Can buy and store as much petrol as you can! Me alone get 50-litres for house! God have mercy o!
Jand: No be only 1-litre jerry can you fit buy petrol for immediate car consumption?

Slang
9ja: ‘A couple of days’ means a few weeks / months even!
Jand: ‘A couple of days’ means just that – 2days!

Phone
9ja: Phone tones/messages are meaningless - several interpretations: ya fone don miss; ya number don miss; network no dey; fone dey off; battery don die; network congestion; make I go on with the list?
Jand: Phones tones/messages are meaningful! ‘The number you are trying to reach is currently unavailable’ means just that!

Colour
9ja: Most widely worn is black! In the heat, I no know who advise dem!
Jand: Na black too, but at least I can understand a bit sha – naturally dull people!

Cheesiness
9ja: E rare make man no get cheesy feet for 9ja – socks and shoes in heat all day! If no be im feet, na im armpit (vest, shirt, suit and tie all day long!) or just general BO or MO!
Jand: No sure which wan pass which! Plenty people no dey baff for jand!

Temperature Control
9ja: You need coolants!
Jand: You need heaters!

Stealing
9ja: If you leave bag for car, you go come meet am; but car for don miss sha!
Jand: If you leave bag for car, you fit come meet car but bag go don ‘sappear’!

Opportunities
9ja: One-chance dey happen for bus! If you no know wetin one-chance be, go find out o!
Jand: Dey happen too, na method differ; people dey fear to enter bus!

Faith
9ja: Defined as things hoped for, seen, tested and received!
Jand: Defined as things un-hoped for, seen, then check ya balance!

Monetary
9ja: Everytin na in millions and billions!
Jand: When last did you see or have a #50 note?

Cars
9ja: So many powerful cars around, na bad roads dey hinder dem!
Jand: Here, na speed cameras and fines dey hinder dem!



Thanks for reading!
Remember to please pass it on to your friends and make your comments know here at the blog site!

Till the next time, take care! Look out for my next blog episode on ‘Kiss Of Life’!

Always,
Moi (Still keeping it real in Las Giddy!)

3 Years In 9ja! I Don Survive!

Hello Everyone,

It’s great to be here once again giving account of the last 1 year! Indeed, God has been faithful through a very tough year – in fact, 2009 was the worst year for me in 3 years of being in 9ja.

3 years, can you believe it? It seems just like yesterday that I resigned from my job, packed up and moved down; and everyone thought I was crazy. The grace of God was certainly available to do it then, not sure I could re-do this again o.
I am a 9ja survivor, anyhow!

Anyway, I felt to give just a lil’ highlight of the last year, here goes:

1. I suffered significant hair-loss and had to cut my hair at some point to promote new growth; I survived it.

2. Survived a ‘down-sizing’ tsunami at work! And dis wan, na real yawa!

3. Survived a Malaria illness as well as a Typhoid and Ulcer diagnosis!

4. Survived several driver driving nonsense ‘near misses’ – thank God!

5. Ha, survived NYSC ‘Concentration’ Camp for 3 weeks! Can you believe that? Let me give some highlights here!

You can't imagine the shock horror when I turned up to camp for registration and was told I had to do a pregnancy test. On being told, I started looking for the nearest toilet thinking that was where the test sample will be taken. When I asked the medical students there, they just laughed and acted quite unsympathetically for the profession they professed. I was told I had to drop everything I was holding to do the test. I didn't understand why and insisted that I won't leave my valuables with anyone to hold.
Eventually, I had to drop my bag and a woman around gave me her pair of flip-flops to wear to be able to walk to the urinating section - right out in the open with a woody-make-shift covering. I was appalled and felt de-womanised when I saw the site. Here was me in my stilettos, from the Diaspora being reduced to this. Even the smear test that I so detested in jand was nowhere compared to the humiliation here. Needless to say, I wet myself in the process when someone 'accidentally' popped by to take her turn; with other onlookers up and about; as I wasn't sure whether to pull down my entire brief or not. I resulted to a 'sliding-window modus operandi' – don’t picture this!
There was just a bucket of unclean water to rinse our hands and another to drop the emptied out urine bottles ready for usage by others; no disinfectant or any such. Thankfully, I was sent home for not bringing some original documentation so I was able to shower and have a change of clothing! Very crazy, I tell you; very crazy. Upon all of this, it didn't stop several pregnant women still getting through the process, so who is fooling who! What a shame!

Endured the evil beagle sound that woke us everyday at 4.30am (or earlier at times) for morning ‘physical exercise’ and to be singing some stupid and meaningless songs dressed in white PE shorts and t-shirt! Was in a 28-woman room! I didn’t even have a bucket on the first night. It was like I was back to boarding school. I had nightmares for days before I finally settled in my mind that the ordeal will soon be over!

On the upside, the platoon leader reached out to me and it made my ordeal bearable. The camp director ensured light and water was as optimally available as possible. I never made it to the dining hall; ensured I had enough water stocked up from home, enough paper plates and spoons, enough cereal, enough disinfectant, enough tissue, enough underwear et al.

Was usually asleep during all those early morning lectures! Didn’t attempt the endurance trek – by then, I was suffering from back aches and had to go to the hospital at some point! Didn’t use my mosquito net – never had a mosquito bite and we used to feel cold most of the time to the point of wearing cardigans! Can you imagine that!

In all, whilst I wouldn’t wish camp on anyone – as I really don’t know what value it adds, the coordinators did well then to have made it as endurable as it was!

6. Still surviving on the lack of cooking. In fact, I have not had light in my kitchen since 2007 and my gas supply since March 2009 is yet to be exhausted! Chei, can I still remember how to cook?

7. The light and water issues weren’t any better in the year just gone by. There are wee improvements coming through the cracks now! God will help us! This is an area I’m yet to comprehend how I’ve been able to survive this long!

8. From the lack of light et al, I’ve learnt to count the number of ceiling tiles in my room to know that they number 45 and that no matter how many times I count them will always remain 45 in number! Yoruba’s call this ‘Oke A Ja’ Syndrome!

9. Been privileged to have had 3 employers in 3 years – ever grateful to God for the opportunities!

10. Survived a sudden 25% rent increase payment; it was actually up by 40% but it was through intelligent intervention that it came down to 25%. Can you imagine paying ‘with-holding-tax’ for your rent or mortgage? Our landie billed us for that o!

11. Been served a quit notice by my landie – I never survive this wan o!

12. Survived several severe fuel scarcities – the current one has been on now for about 5 weeks!

13. It’s only in 9ja people look at you straight in the eyes and lie through their teeth and maintain that they are being as honest as they can be!

14. It’s in 9ja that I’ve experienced having to grovel to take time out from your leave entitlement and still be refused! Na waya! I’m so burnt out because of this!

15. The telecoms firms are making a fortune from ripping us off! We get charged even on failed text messages! Crooks I’d say!

16. It’s only in this 9ja that someone can sleep a pauper and wake up a millionaire; sleep a millionaire and wake up a pauper!

17. Ha, in this 9ja, afo don become millionaire o if this country na litigation society on sexual harassments! I’ve had to endure several sexual harassments. The funny thing was that the perpetrators didn’t see anything wrong with / in their acts! The level of depravity is unbelievable!

18. Been privileged to witness a changing ‘Las Giddy’! Indeed, Fashola is trying to re-invent the city. Kudos!

19. Survived two attempted ‘dog-mauling’ episodes! The last one got me running and screaming for my life as the dog tried to get through my entrance door! Thank God for his mercies!

20. Still trying to overcome these ones o – insomnia and depression! Went through the year battling several bouts of sleeplessness! Not sure what the culprits are – whether it is Nepa, the heat or other issues. Surely, it is well!

21. Realised the level of decadence in our educational system, and it is a reason to worry! A lot of our graduates these days cannot even write or speak good English! Some have learnt to buy their way through, whilst others have learnt to plagiarise! And these are the ones privileged to have even made it thus far! So what does the future hold for those who will not make it that far? For those whose lives have already finished before it started?

Serious food-for-thought!

But then what do we expect, when a simple truth about our Presido’s whereabouts is shrouded in mystery! Shows the level of integrity our leaders are operating at.

God help us all! This is it for now folks!


As Always,
Still Keeping It Real!
Moi

2 Years Don Reach!

Hello All,
Happy New 2009! Thank God for His enduring mercies and His love for us to be able to grace this New Year. Remember Dears, that all things will be possible to you if you will believe, in this 2009.

Oh what a long time o! My last posting was way back in October 2008! I clocked two years (date- wise) in Las Giddy today! Can you just believe that? I’m not sure I can believe it just yet! All I can say in summary is that God has been faithful, good, loving, merciful, kind, gracious et al!
I certainly hope that you enjoy this piece!

Read On!

1. Picture this: Na im I go salon one day to remove my ‘join-join’. The lady com ask me why hair miss for my head. I com dey wonder which kin question be dis. Na im she com take my hand say make I put my finger for one part of my head. My people na skin I touch o! Someone don scrape my hair! My God!

To date, I’d been very careful about which salons I go to for service. It turned out that I’d had a hair accident at one of the so-called posh salons of GRA. This was the only salon I will visit to remove any attachments whatsoever; so in my prior visit there, I guess the lady must have accidentally shaved me whilst using blade to cut the threads of the weave-on being removed.

I realised getting angry would have been a futile effort because the deed had been done! When I went back to confront them, all they could offer was an apology! So much for service! Meanwhile their services don’t come cheap!

I still go there every now and then because they have newer hands now, but then, they tread ever so carefully with me when I’m there! One thing I’ve discovered is that a lot of the hair-dressers are so misguided; they feel knowing how to dress hair is the key! That was how one of them from the same salon ill-advised me that I needed to be ‘re-touching every six weeks’ until it got to a point late last year that I literally started suffering hair loss – had to chop down the length of my hair significantly for new life!
I’m open to other salon suggestions o!

2. Picture this: Yet another salon story! After much manicuring and pedicuring, I suddenly discovered that the sole of my feet and the surrounding areas of my feet have been scarred from various episodes of these services! I vowed to stop having pedicures for the foreseeable future after the last episode I encountered. The lady to do it was moody when I got there. After trying my best to cheer her up and she continued to give me ‘attitude’ I told the salon manager that they should get someone else to carry out the pedicure for me. After a few minutes of some in-house deliberation, the manager came back to me and pleaded on her behalf and that of the salons’, that she will buckle up and that she will carry out the pedicure seeing she was one of the ‘good hands’!

To cut the long story short, you won’t believe I came out wounded. She had ‘knowingly’ or ‘unknowingly’ used her instrument to cut me; and this was after I had beckoned and pleaded with her to go gently on my skin! It took over a week for the wound to heal and I remain scarred to date over this!

Then I suddenly, I discovered that all the salons I’ve attended over these couple of years use blade to scrape the soles of our feet. It’s taken me this long to realise that my feet are not any better from this! I have marks all over my feet – there’s another one I remember now; after being cut with the cuticle thing and the bleeding stopped, my ‘biggie toe’ had turned black by the next time I was over for a polish change! In fact, there were times after having a pedicure that my feet will become so sore that I won’t be able to walk properly! Plus, all the ‘other blade’ accidents I’ve endured! Na waya o!

I don’t think I’ve found the perfect salon yet o; and this is after having at least 4 in my list that I visit for different services!

3. Picture this o! Yet another, other salon tori! Na so, I go won ‘gbogbo’ ero salon one day! Dis place no get generator, na im ‘Nepa’ com do de ting wey dem know how to do well well!

You won’t believe that all the candidates due for the hair-dryer at the point the light was taken got fanned to dryness! The hair dressers literally took makeshift hand fans to fan out the wetness from peoples’ hair!

You want innovation? Dis one na original Las Giddy innovation o!

4. One of the things I can’t get my head round is the dilution of washing-up liquids! Most houses I’ve been to usually have their washing-up liquids over diluted to the point of uselessness!

I wonder what the science is behind this act! Longevity perhaps?

5. Picture this: Swollen dead dog spotted around the ‘odun’ period with a few people milling around the carcass! Your guess is as good as mine regarding what kind of deliberations may have been taking place at that point in time. For me sha, I feel say those people dey tank God say ‘404’ don land be dat o!

6. Picture this: An observed Las Giddian phenomenon – Men Bleaching! I’ve seen loads of bleached men over the last few months! Just wondering why the sudden surge! Habi, na me no see dem before? No be women dey do dis kin thing before? E be like say de coke and fanta fashion don com around again! E no good o!

Habi, wetin you think my people?

7. I encountered my first dodgy mechanic recently when my car developed a fault after refuelling the AC with gas! My instincts told me he was a ‘no gooder’ but his sudden appearance just somehow prevented me from just stepping back next door to where the refuelling had taken place! Thankfully, it was day time and the fault developed within the confines of a shopping mall environment.

The dodgy chap after wasting my time for about 2hours tied one piece of rubber from one point to another and said he had fixed the fault; and charged me for that and I had to pay! On popping back to the place of the initial work, the first thing that was taken off was the piece of rubber! Ha, Las Giddians!

8. Picture this: Dire Las Giddy Traffic Lights! I was on my way out the other day and the light was green and definitely green so there was no reason for my turn not to happen. As I approached the set of lights, it was still green but with only a few yards left to negotiate the bend, the light suddenly turned RED! Red and not amber and I literally had to slam on the brakes because our dear ol’ LASTMA people were at hand to catch any offenders but more importantly Lagos traffic light timings are so bad that at the same time one is turning red, another one is changing state simultaneously.

By the time I stopped and was still trying to compose myself, traffic had started flowing in all other directions! Certainly, Las Giddy no be the kin place wey person go want to ‘ja ina’! May God help us!

9. NEPA (ehm no, dem be PWCN – Power Withholding Corporation of Nigeria) never change im skin! Light situation remains terrible in my axis! And even when there’s supply, the current is so low, equipments barely work!

10. Picture this: I finally accepted that I had become a ‘Las Giddian’ when the police tried to stop me recently and I didn’t stop for them. It was late morning and during the festive season; they were all out to milk as much money out of the populace as possible. There certainly was no reason to have been stopped; their profiling skills were at work. So when I was signalled to move to a corner to stop, whilst I did slow down, I just drove off o with ‘ogboju’!

11. Harmattan has been down in all of its glory with hot weather and dustiness! I think I could trade for some cold weather right now to beat down on the amount of heat rashes that have plagued me!

Lemme know if you wanna trade okay!

12. Picture this: My landie don hint say rent go increase by up to N250k per year! Dat na part of de price person dey pay for dis place with no regulation! Ask me my people, whether e don write dat one down for contract before! E no write nothing o, in fact, I neva even sign contract almost two years on!

Wetin person go do now?

13. Picture this: Lying Drivers! Why is that most 9ja drivers at the point of not wanting to return to work will say that their mothers are ill and will need to pay them a visit after ‘salary’ collection? Why? And that’s just with those that have a lil’ bit of integrity! Others will just suddenly stop turning up to work!

Kindly provide ya answers and other comments at http://lola-life-in-lagos.blogspot.com/

14. Picture this: Christmas Craze over Sulia kan! Aiyetoro kan! Gbogbo awon ‘bisgs’ girls and ‘bisgs’ boys went crazy for Jenifa Part 1 & 2; well really part 2 over the festive season. It was a time I saw ‘designer donning’ guys; impeccably English speaking, top achievers scramble around Las Giddy for Jenifa Part 2! It was like this was the movie of the day and of the season in a lot of households around and on Christmas day.

Guess their release time strategy worked! I tell you the Yoruba sector of the Nollywood industry is on another level.

Well done Funke Akindele! Kudos! And if you are yet to watch it – where have you been? Go grab your copy now!

Sulia kan! Aiyetoro kan!

15. Picture this: Las Giddy in Helmets! Since the start of the New Year the road safety group (FRSC) has mandated all Okada riders to start wearing helmets – driver and passenger(s) alike! You can’t just begin to imagine the types of helmets that have emerged. Suddenly, ‘hard hats’ for construction zones have become cyclist helmets! Prices have also rocketed! I understand it was about N750 until the compulsion which has now sent prices up to almost N5k. Never mind the different versions of the original in the market place too!

Now the gist of the story emerging is that some people have started disappearing on the wearing of the helmet given them by the Okada driver! Others have yet claimed that they ask the Okada man to give them the one he is wearing whilst he wears the one he’s offering his passenger(s) at the point of boarding.

My own is that people who have no other means of transportation right now should just try and invest in their own helmet. There is the worry of lice and transmission of other possible head ‘yamayama’; coupled with the possible use of and for ritual purposes. We are such an innovative society; the evil doers never lack any opportunity for exploitation! You also hear stories of people losing their ‘stars’ or so when they give beggars money! There are just so many horror stories out there but I choose to believe the report of the Lord. God help!

Oh Lord, have mercy and continue to protect us and guide us in Jesus name. AMEN!

16. Picture this: Some personal stats – I think I may have bought bread perhaps just twice or thrice last year; last time of cooking was in November 2008; only replenished my cooking gas once in the last 2 years; had four incidences of food poisoning in the last couple of weeks , imagine how many during the year; bought and cooked beef once in the last 2 years; same for meat and fish; only experienced I think just one episode of 24hour non-stop electricity supply; never worn jeans trousers in Las Giddy!

17. Picture this: Became a lecturer last Saturday to deliver a course for one of the privately run universities in conjunction with a training outfit. I hope and pray to make a difference! I’m truly grateful to God for the opportunity!

18. Picture this: Whilst I didn’t plan anything for this last Christmas gone because I had never really enjoyed Christmas over time, this one kind of turned out okay.

What I found quite fascinating about this particular Christmas was in the amount of gifts received – I don’t recount ever getting that much in my working history o, even personally – no kidding! Amongst the gifts were 2 litres of oil and a 50kg bag of rice; several jewellery sets; baskets of hampers; books, a leadership bible; a spa set; picture frame; household items such as a much needed fluorescent lantern and the most shocking of all – a washing machine! I even have a vendor on the hunt for shoes for my Christmas pressie!

Now on the washing machine, I was gripped with both shock and fear when I got home just this last Saturday to meet the delivery from one of the firm’s who had provided us with their services during the year. I didn’t know that gifts could come this magnanimous, and then I became afraid of what work might think, until I got to the office and was told that there was nothing really unusual about it! Then, I began to wonder how many people will have received such or even bigger gifts and how much they would have spent on the whole for the festive gifts! Oh then!

So, heya, how many of una get washing machine from ya people for Christmas pressie in jand or in yankie?

I tell you Las Giddy is certainly on a different wavelength!

19. And lastly! Picture this: Recall my ‘Las Giddian’s Indian Experience’ account some months back and how I mentioned that we stayed at the ‘Taj Mahal’ – one of Indian’s finest hotels. You won’t believe that this was the same hotel that was bombed by terrorists recently. What you can’t even begin to imagine was that we were supposed to have been back to India the week that bombing took place! This time around, the plan was that my two bosses will stay at the Taj whilst the rest of the crew will stay at a nearby less expensive hotel – fair enough! The only reason why we were not in India on or around the time of the chaos was because our host was yet to confirm availability and suitability of the proposed date!

God is truly, truly and truly ever faithful!

I say person no die for 9ja, na India person go go die! God forbid bad ting o!

For these and much more I am eternally grateful to God for seeing me through these last two years here through the depressing times; through the lonely times; through the penniless times; through the scary times; through the wide-eyed night seasons; through the wet-eyed seasons; through the awfully hard times; through the food poisoning episodes; through the dark times; through the painful times; through the sick times; through the haemorrhagic episode; through the hair loss season; through the panic attack episodes; through the finger-chopping episode; through these all and so much more God saw me through and is still seeing me through!

And for your ever presence, comfort and provision through these all – I thank you Lord!

And that’s it folks. Take care of your good selves and remember to live each day to the fullest; for life is a privilege!

Go and be blessed! Enjoy the best and rest of 2009.

Till the next time, always and always,

Moi (Still Keeping It Real)

21 Months On!

Dear All,

Today marks 21 months since I landed in Las Giddy - amazing how time has just flown; it all still seems like yesterday when I landed at MMA wondering what on earth I was doing here.

As you know, I couldn’t have blogged forever and I feel the time is now to stop. Your readership, encouragements, prayers, support et al kept me going – All I can say is thank you so much and may God Bless you all!

I may however still send you posts from time to time depending on what’s going on here / going on with me – do feel free to revisit the blog site often. I will equally endeavour to bring it up to date – I changed the blog host some months back hence the reason why I’m missing some months of info on the current site. I do visit the site often also and do reel from some of the events I’ve narrated. How I’ve coped could not have been through anyone but God Almighty!

Remember I’m here to provide you with a ‘Diaspora Consultancy Service’ or should I say ‘Las Giddian Diaspora Consultancy Service’, so I’m waiting for your enquiries, emails, calls etc.

Do have a great week ahead; remember to stay focused and be where God wants you to be!

Always & Always,
Moi (Keeping It Real!)

Ratogiddy! Reptoville! Mushroomville!

Howdy Y’All,


Trust you are doing great and enjoying summer one way or another – or should I say whatever is left of it; though na rain dey knack us for Las Giddy!

Thanks for your continued readership and support!


For this edition, here goes:


1. Picture this: Ratogiddy! I suddenly started seeing tiny ‘poo’ droplets around my kitchen – on the work top, on the cooker top, on the sink top, on the freezer top, practically everywhere!
One night I had a little cold and had sneezed and blown my nose significantly into some tissue paper by my bed side. When I woke up in the morning, there were bits of tissue littered by the bed side. I said to my self that this must have been done by roaches or so.
Then I noticed some evidence of tampering on the tuber of yam in the kitchen, tampering on some potatoes etc. On another evening, I brought out some tomatoes & peppers that had lost their lives in the fridge due to NEPA issues and left them in a bowl on top of the freezer for disposal. By morning time, there were bite marks on them!

For days, I deluded myself that the droplets were from roaches, though the bite marks on the tomatoes began to drastically change my orientation. I just completely refused to believe that I had a rat visitor(s) until I went to the kitchen one early evening and saw something dash from one end of the room to another.

I was completely freaked out! I didn’t anticipate this in anyway and done well so far without their intrusion! The kitchen door went to permanent closure! Then it suddenly occurred to me that the chewed bits of tissue found by my bed side that morning was none other than from the rat! Oh my days! I was utterly disgusted, irritated and freaked! I also later found some movement of some stuffs towards my headrest side of the bed. What really got to me on this one was the fact that I didn’t hear, see or feel anything when the visitor was around! Was I so dead to the world or was it the sound of the generators that created that temporary deafness? How a rat could have snuck up a few inches away from me via the space underneath my doorway and I didn’t know about it? What else may have been done that I wasn’t aware of? Please don’t imagine? Please!

Well, I had to go look for and purchase rat poison. Till date, though it seemed to have disappeared, I’m not sure if that was due to the poison, a miracle or my earnest plea to God because I’m yet to discover the skeleton(s) or smell any carcasses!


2. Noticed some light studs on some roads in Ikeja – you know those ones that light up the motorways in jand when you get to parts where there are no lamps / lights. I was quite chuffed to see them!


3. I’m sure you would have heard by now about the part closure of the famous bridge currently causing chaos in Las Giddy! So plan your trip to Las Giddy accordingly.


4. Picture this: Cutlery handout! Did you know that as part of handouts at parties, people give out cutlery pieces. Well not quite like how its done from those lovely wedding gift lists from JL et al. What some people do is that a pack of 24 pieces for instance may be distributed amongst 12 guests! So some people may get 1 fork and 1 knife; some may get 1 teaspoon and 1 regular spoon! C’mon, isn’t this pathetic? Habi na by force to give handout? Na waya o! So my people, when next you visit someone in Las Giddy, watch out for all those ‘iya o ba baba tan’ pieces – they may just have originated from various parties your hosts / hostesses have attended! :)


5. Picture this: The Nepa situation seems to have improved a bit o! There was a day when we had light for a good 24hours non-stop – in fact I got scared because of this unusual phenomenon! Then for the last couple of weeks (at least before I checked out), we’ve been consistently getting electricity supply from around 12midnight to about 12midday. Well, fine, no light when you get back from work but hey, half loaf is better than nothing o!
So for this, I’m forever grateful to God Almighty!


6. Remember the last time, I reported on an oil tanker incidence. Well there have been more fatalities. There’s been a jack-knifed lorry and a burnt oil tanker around the same location as the last time. Then, there’s been a fatal lorry and car accident at almost the exact location as the last oil tanker incidence. Plus the other horrible incidence at Apapa as reported in the dailies probably because it affected Obafemi Martins!
One begins to wonder whether there’s more to it than meets the eye!

May God’s protection continue to abound towards us all! Amen.


7. Picture this: Alayonbere! On one lovely morning, I woke up to no light. I went about my usual morning chores in prep for work. As I did this, I noticed a dark spot on one side of the living room in the darkness. I didn’t think anything of it but still felt compelled to put my right foot on the spot. To my greatest horror that morning the ‘dark thing’ moved! Guess what, it was an ‘Alayonbere’ – snake lizard as some of us know it to be.

I was utterly terrified as the thing crawled up to the highest point on the wall in the living room. After the rat incidence, I’d adopted stuffing up the underneath of each door around the house but what I didn’t do was to stuff up the entrance door upstairs. Meanwhile my room is the closest to this door, I can’t begin to imagine whether or not my room wouldn’t have been the first port of call had I not adopted the stuffing up!

I retreated to my room in fear to dress up and hurriedly got out of the house. I spent the rest of the day beseeching the Lord to make a way of escape for this thing as my mind played a huge one on me on all the horror stories I’d heard about this thing whilst in boarding school.

When I got back home in the evening, I armed myself with the security guard and got him to lead the way to do justice to it should it still be around. Behold, it was not in sight and nowhere to be found. For the next few days I lived in my house in fear.
Some of the horrors of living in Las Giddy! This morning, I saw a snake as thick as my upper arm and about maybe 8 to 10 feet long that had been caught near Sheraton ‘again’! Remember the Anaconda report that was near this same Sheraton too. Hope they don’t form part of the menu o!

Thank the Lord for his mercies!


8. Picture this: Mushroomville! As you know, we’ve been in the raining season for a few months and my house has not been without its leaking challenges – the only room without a leak in the house is the kitchen! In fact, when the leaking starts especially with heavy down pours, I just turn a blinder these days until I made a discovery!

Right under my very nose, in my bedroom – a few yards away from my bed, I discovered ‘Mushrooms’! Now, the AC spot in the room leaks so much water despite the fact that there’s an AC in the hole. Obviously, the carpenter had done a shoddy job with the covering and with me not knowing who else to turn to who will be trustworthy; I just learnt to cope with the leaking. I basically ‘collect’ the water, in previous times with a bowl but in recent times with a permanent ‘unused bed sheet’! So, due to the heavy down pours, it had become permanently damp hence why the mushrooms suddenly found a lovely environment to grow! So I was thinking – if mushrooms can grow there, I wonder what else may just spring forth one of these days!

Meanwhile on the outer part of the AC, there are a few bed nests – so I equally regularly contend with those birdies for some peace and quiet!

Ha, I tire o!


9. Picture this: Car key wahala! One night, after a long day of meetings, I got home at around 10pm and firstly hurriedly dismissed the driver. As I tried to get my stuff out of the trunk, the key got stuck and wouldn’t budge. After fiddling with it for a few good minutes, I had to give up because I was fatigued and I could barely see, as there was no light. I gave up and left it in the key hole over night.

When the driver appeared in the morning, he found the key hanging and began to have a go! The key refused to budge o! I sprayed almost all the WD40 I had at home with no result. Meanwhile, all this time, I knew I only had 1 key – no spare that is, but it just didn’t occur to me to cut another key.

So here was me faced with a dilemma at home on a very critical day for me at work. Ideally, I would have just left the car and the driver to battle it out whilst I took a cab to work, I however couldn’t do that because I was blocking my neighbour’s car!
The panel beater was brought in but almost to no avail (as you know, any repair work required in 9ja would almost always be a job for the panel beater)! Each time I mention something that needs attention, the driver will say lets call the ‘panel beater’ – just been wondering what they are beating! Do we have PBs in jand or yankee? Abeg let me know o!

Anyway sha, at the point of almost considering breaking the windscreen – even at the uncertainty of this resolving the issue because of the central-lock mechanism; tugging at the key for over 2hours; calling the mechanic for his ‘divine’ input (but alas none; he simply said to leave the key alone to prevent breakage); the key in its own time got un-stuck and the truck opened up! Ha, choi!


10. Picture this: Yet another horror! One night, I suddenly heard some thudding sounds from the ceiling – as in, in the space between the roof and the internal ceiling. ‘My sleep left me in a jiffy’ as I startled fearfully out of my sleep. A few minutes later, I heard the ‘gbururu’ sounds again. Somehow I realised we had some heavy nocturnal visitors there – heavy rodents! In bravery, I got up and inspected all the ceilings around the house to ensure they hadn’t broken through in any way and to ensure I hadn’t developed holes in the ceiling suddenly!

A few days later I was conversing with my neighbours and they explained to me that they experience it too and more so in a more intimate manner – that the rats have found a way to visit them in the house!
Since that discovery, it has almost become a nightly affair to hear them running around a few times!

So this is it o for this episode!

I shall keep you posted on other Las Giddy happenings! Take care everyone and God bless!

Ciao.


Always & Always,
Moi (Keeping It Real)

What Manner Of Month Is This?

Hello Everyone,
Trust you are all doing great!

Here’s the piece for this edition!

1. Picture this: Death In Motion! I was going to work one Wednesday morning, minding my business when suddenly I saw a ‘danfo’ begin to somersault a few metres in front of me. When it finally stopped flipping, people started screaming. Bodies were flung all over the place; the living unhurt scrambled for safety; the living hurt scrambled for life; the un-living hurt lay seemingly lifeless! The hurt had blood all over; some crying; some in shock; some speechless.

It was like I was in a movie scene. A few cars including mine had stopped. I was hysterical! My hands were over my head as I stood and wept! I didn’t know what to do or who to call for emergency. I didn’t remember or know any first-aid tips! The bold tried to help one way or the other. Suddenly all our inadequacies as a state / nation came flooding in! In a civilised society, ambulances would have thronged the scene by now, but nay, not in Las Giddy!

Though I was told that Las Giddy has a few ambulances stationed at strategic points across the state and that surely one of them would have ‘eventually’ got to the accident scene.
As some of us drove off, I couldn’t help feeling helpless and wondering what I could have done. Should I have taken one or two people to the hospital and risk being interrogated by the police; or accused of being the cause of their injuries; or asked to make pledges on their behalf; or gone to look for the ambulances et al.

I was certainly traumatised for a while for what I saw that morning. I relieved the scene over and over again in my mind; and still do every now and then.

Trauma – well that’s what I know it to be, it has become part of daily living here; unfortunately the Las Giddian world probably don’t see it that way! They say its everyday life and that I was only privileged to have witnessed that one!


2. Picture this: Another Las Giddian Inferno! Just a day before the incidence described above, an oil tanker had an accident and burst into flames, claiming 5 cars and 1 life (that’s the report given) in its path! It brought Las Giddy to a standstill, as it happened around the foot of the famous bridge!

I was so lucky that day not to have been caught up in the mayhem. I was supposed to have gone for a meeting but just somehow decided against it and postponed my attendance at the meeting. People that got caught up didn’t get home until 1am; and I’m certain that some other people must have reached home even later than that time!

God have mercy!


3. Picture this: Suffer head! Electricity has gone from worst to disastrous! On a stretch of almost 2weeks, I didn’t have light and water (no electricity for the pumping machine). That chain was broken for a couple of days where light supply was available for a few hours during the night time. As soon as this happened, I had to get up and fill the house with water and do my laundry too till around 2.30am! As I write, I have not seen a blink of electricity supply since Monday! As I was almost out of water supply, I had to go and purchase 2 50litre kegs and filled them up at the office! Can you just beat that!

When I said ‘almost out of water supply’, that practically meant I had just bowls of water left to shower with and none per se for toilet flushing! It became a case of doing ‘whatever’ you could at work rather than at home – you know what I mean! I couldn’t do my laundry for over two weeks and in fact, I’ve not cooked in almost 2 months because of the lack of supply! My fridge/freezer and deep freezer lie empty and will probably remain so for the foreseeable future!

Usually, it’s the people dependent on petrol that suffer from strikes and hikes. Trust me, that’s better than when its diesel that is affected. Diesel is the maker or breaker of most companies. Diesel is scarce and the price is high! Food prices have gone up too and a lot of companies are struggling to keep up their service levels!

God help you if you are stuck under the dryer when the generator man of the salon you are at decides its time to switch off the generator! Off you go still wet! In fact, some places will turn down your custom once evening begins to draw nigh!

May God punish all those in power who have put us into this state!


4. Picture this: The 4th Encounter! Recollect, how I narrated my brother falling victim to armed bandits three times last year. Well in my 18months of being here, a 4th encounter occurred again! Before I go on, I thank God Almighty that he is alive and well and lived to tell the story!

It occurred on the famous bridge! He was on his way home and in traffic. Suddenly as is almost customary, they emerged from nowhere and started on their victims. Unfortunately, he didn’t have any money on him that evening and it is often heard that penny-less victims almost never live to see another day. They were vicious and armed. So, in his penny-less state, he decided to be proactive and run for his dear life whilst he could still do so. And so he ran in the midst of the mayhem and delved somewhere sha! It was a miracle he hadn’t delved into ‘ira’ (marshy land)!

As the raid continued, it turns out that the commissioner of police for Lagos was on the bridge with his entourage; they drove into the robbers operation and gun battle began! Eventually, the gun battle subsided and people began to return to their cars to quickly move from the scene, but not my brother! The commissioner and his team began to look around for the robbers to see if any of them were hiding nearby. Meanwhile, my brother’s hideout was like that of where hoodlums could easily hide. So he started to make his way out so that he won’t be mistaken as one of them – that would have spelt instant death! He was injured but didn’t know what kind or level of injury, so he wasn’t good on speed. He crawled with the little strength he had left and tried to call for help. Somehow by now, his car was the only car left on the scene with doors ajar. So the commissioner and his team refused to leave the scene until they could locate the owner – this is where profiling helps o; if na one jekuredi car now, everyone for don comot!
So they were equally looking out for him. Alas, he was found and they asked if he could drive; he got in whilst they followed him. After going a few metres, he couldn’t go any further, so he beckoned for them to stop. That’s how the commissioner got in his car, drove it and took him to the nearest hospital. He asked him if he was a Christian and what church he attended – he answered accordingly. The commissioner ensured he was duly taken care of at the hospital before leaving with his team.


He came off lightly with a fractured right hand and nothing was taken / stolen due to divine intervention. Thank God for his mercies!


What I hadn’t mentioned before was that he had escaped an estate attack way back in March; but my Uncle got caught up in the mayhem where he had to hide in a gutter for his dear life!

He was at the saloon that evening 6pm-ish on a Sunday evening and suddenly had the urge to get up and go home. Normally, he would stay and chat with ‘the boys’ after his haircut. In fact, he drove past the robbers on their way in. He said he had barely reached home when gunshots were all over the estate and pandemonium ensued as the robbers began their operation. Thank God he left as he had the unction to do so! May we not be at the right place at the wrong time! Amen.


5. And on a lighter note! Remember how my previous blog captured the ‘tailor a la butcher’ episode! Well, I went to church and wore one of the dresses she had so many times attempted service recovery on! Thankfully, I enjoyed the service with no mishap until I was at the Pastor’s office with some friends and church people! I just suddenly felt my zip give up / give way from top to bottom, as I sat listening to a conversation just at the point of lunch about to be served.

It was like I knew something like that may happen! Luckily, I had my scarf with me, so I tied it round my neck so the longer side dropped down my back and covered my exposure. I quietly got up and told the people around I needed to go to the car urgently. That was how I made my escape! What a nightmare!


This Las Giddy dey tire me o! Its all good sha!

That’s all for now! Until the next blog, do take care of your self and stay on top!

Always & Always,
Moi (Still Keeping It Real)

Tailor A La Butcher!

Hello Y’All!

It’s good to be here once again!

Here’s this month edition of my life in Las Giddy! I’ve been accused of not updating regularly anymore! Its not that, I just felt a monthly update might be more appropriate now especially after clocking over one year of being here!
Not to worry sha, I will continue to blog o! I can’t let you down, habi!


Happy Reading! Happy Laffing!

1. I was opportuned to attend a ‘Personal Mastery’ course a few weeks back. It was led by Fela Durotoye! Do you know him? It was life changing I must say. It was quite good, refreshing, enlightening, motivating etc. People are making big bucks in 9ja for talking. This guy told us of how he makes like N2m from a 45minute talking session. Person dey make money just from yakking! Make me sef begin make money o from writing. Nbi, yakking and writing na from de same family!

Ok, on a more serious note, I heard words like Life is Time; History means His Story; Impossible means I’m Possible; Until you assume responsibility for an impossibility, it will not become a possibility; Watched ‘The Law of Attraction’, check it out online; Imagination is Everything!; Energy Flows Where Attention Goes!; Excuses are tools for building monuments of nothing!; Evidence Terminates Arguments!; ‘Do what you love, Or love what you do’!; Are you making a living or making a difference?; Who are you paying to make your dream / passion come through?; ‘You cannot feature in a future that you do not picture’!

2. Don’t Picture this! I go catch ‘Candida’! Hmm, I no go tell you de familiar name! Haya, e no funny o! Na so de thing go grip person when person dey for meeting or somewhere important! I think sey na de heat wey dey dat time cause am! But my bigger suspect na de loo wey person go use! I com tell myself sey all de frog perching wey person dey do no work o. All it takes is one upward splash and you are done for! Luckily, I still remembered good ol’ Canesten, so I rushed to an authentic chemist and so I didn’t have to suffer for long!

3. Picture this! I go enter cab one afternoon. As soon as I enter am, e be like sey, dey strip de interior comot. De way I take enter am, na de same way I comot quick, quick! It was really crappy!

After waiting another 20minutes or so, I got another one! As I enter dis one, I come dey see ‘eshinshin’ (flies). I com dey wonder why flies dey inside. But aspey, I don stand outside for so long, I tell myself to manage am sha. Suddenly, my hand just rest on de seat, de seat was wet. I com smell my hand! Chei, my people, e be like say na fish dey put on de seat. I com feel my skirt, haya, it was damp! I became instantly irritated, angry etc. Na so, I tell de driver make im park make I comot! I open de door sharp, sharp to jump out. As I jump out, na so I just hear ‘prer’ (I no no how I go take spell dis one jare)! Na de lining for my skirt make dat noise as e tear!
At least thank God say, no be de outer layer tear! In Las Giddy, for as long as you commute one way or the other, just forget about recycling your clothes a few times before laundering them!

Still on the said day, I finally got a cab sha! At a point during the journey, the cabbie decided to turn off his ignition because we’d been stopped by a set of traffic lights. When the light turned green, his car wouldn’t start. I just whispered ‘Chineke me e’ to myself. With no help around the cabbie started his lil’ drama class to kick-start the car! So, he would push the car a bit and hurriedly jump in to kick-start it! After a few rounds of this, he finally got lucky! By this time, my head was neatly tucked down to prevent myself being spotted by anyone at this embarrassing scene!

Oh what a cabbie day!

4. I attended a wedding and saw a ‘shpanking’ (not spanking) brand new Rolls Royce with a personalised number plate. I was so gob smacked at seeing the brand new Rolls that I couldn’t recollect the full plate number! Started with ‘BOLU’ sha! Bros J, habi na yours?
Just wondering who / what / why / whose of the RR! Nawa o, RR for 9ja!

5. Picture this! Debut road-side snack purchase! I buy plantain chips (Igbekere) from hawker for traffic. After my posh friend wey move down from jand too tell me say she don buy plenty times from traffic, na dat one give me courage to try am out. I com buy one pack first. After I taste a few, de thing sweet o! For me, ‘dodo’ is my worst meal – never eaten the thing for as far back as I remember myself, but I enjoy the crunchy, salted unripe version (weird isn’t it!). So for me this is a breakthrough, to be able to add this to my diet! Though I had to wipe and over wipe the pack before opening it. Anyway sha, even though the thing no get NAFDAC number, I don buy 15 to date!

6. Picture this: On my way to the Island recently, I saw a manual labour scene! It was a school in Ikoyi (not to worry, no be Corona or any such, ‘twas a Jakande school!). There were a few school boys in their uniform cutting grass outside in the scorching heat, with a cane-master in sight! Just didn’t think such discipline still existed after our own school days! Jand government go say na child abuse!

7. The heavens have began to open up in 9ja. There was a downpour recently that turned daytime to night time at 6pm! Within an hour, the entire vicinity was flooded. I couldn’t even set out from the office at the start of the rain. I had to wait for it to subside! On doing this, I was met with severe flooding that I hadn’t witnessed in 15months of being in Las Giddy. But hey, my car sailed through – thank God! Its everyone’s nightmare to have their cars stuck on a flooded road especially at night!

You need wellies here o! Anyway, I don buy my own put for house a few months ago! Wellies, here I come!

8. I have come to a conclusion that buying newspapers in 9ja is a waste of money! Why, you might ask! Because, only about 25% of the pages carry news, the other 75% carry adverts of banks and felicitations of birthdays and deaths! Can you imagine felicitations of deaths! Na only 9ja people dey take do dat kin party when person die! Any headlines you read about on the front page certainly don’t continue on Page 2 or Page 3, instead what you will see is a continuation referral to Page 10 or Page 12 etc!

Saw this also in a newspaper – names of political parties: Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) and Democratic Peoples Party (DPP)! This is what I call confusion of the highest order and political palindrome!

9. In my last report, I mentioned my landlord not footing the bill for the shabby job that was done regarding the electrical supply to the house. Anyway, the guy decided to do the honourable thing and refund us all. Only he refunded just 70% of the cost to each of us claiming that we were the ones that decided to over-pay the electrician. My own theory of the motive behind the refund was that he probably was beginning to feel some darts of curses on him! Being a ‘Pastor’ I believe he understood the principle of ‘A curse without a cause will not alight’! But in his case, there was utmost reason for a curse(s) from us! Do you think this is cruel? I think not! Wait till you hear what the effect of rain does to my place because of leaking roof and the effects of wood –eating insects!

10. Las Giddy don get emergency number o! Hallelujah! De number na 767 and e dey work! Na free of charge too! When you call de number, de agents go take your details and quickly forward to dem RRS - Rapid Response Squad people! The question be, how many situations have been remedied by virtue of the RRS service?

11. I went for a meeting somewhere and by the time I was done; my ‘Christian Dior’ Sunglasses had taken a walk to eternity! No comment!

12. You wan buy Versace? You fit buy Versace ‘Sokoto’ (Trousers) from wheelbarrow sellers in VI for ‘gbanjo’ price! How is that for creative designer selling? Genuine? Fake? Your guess!

13. Someone at the office got a brand new official car on a Friday and the car walked into oblivion on Saturday! Code phrase for ‘car was stolen’! Here today, gone tomorrow!

14. I saw a lady this morning on my way to work! She was stark naked and roaming the streets! Her hair was texturised and still looking pretty neat. She had a mobile phone or so on her! She would dance occasionally, and I mean really dance as she heard music playing around her! It was a sad sight. I was just shocked and moved to tears. It seemed like she’d just gone insane that morning!

Talking about sad sights in Las Giddy, I’ve never seen as much disfigured people in my entire life as I’ve seen here. I’ve seen people whose skins have peeled off; people with half faces; people with burnt bodies (living people o); people with all sorts of abnormal enlargements here and there; people with no limbs; in fact this list is just endless!

15. Did you know that Las Giddy streets and major roads have been sign-posted? Wonderful work I must say! However, we are still a bit far from getting the ‘sat nav’ technology 100% accurate. Was opportune to ride in a car where one was being trialled sometime back, my take – just ensure you know where you are going before entrusting your navigation to automation!

Still on our dear ‘ol Las Giddy sign-posting, it suddenly occurred to me the other day that streets in Ikoyi have posh names like Gerrard, Thompson, Bourdillon, 2nd Avenue etc; and even the local names remain posh too like Awolowo Way, Keffi; but certainly nothing like ‘Moshalashi’ Avenue! Wonder why?

16. Must watch Nollywood movies: ‘White Waters’ – blockbuster; ‘Gbajumo’ – really humourous! There’s a host of others making the rounds too.

17. Bought some DVDs from ‘Nu Metro’ and was quite pleased with myself that I went to a reputable store to purchase them. The DVDs security was of international standard! They even had listening workstations too! Going price was N500 each as compared to the other places of N200 – N300 per DVD. I didn’t so much mind the difference initially on the basis that I was purchasing A1 quality goods, until I got home and the pictures were not so A1! I guess our production still has much room for improvement! The good thing however is that you can always return them if dissatisfied – wow, customer service!

18. I got stopped by a policewoman one afternoon for no reason. She literally just walked up to my window and asked what I could do for her. I reached into my ‘loose change storage’ and gave her N200. It was like a light-bulb got ignited as soon as she saw the N200 bill! I couldn’t believe how happy and intrigued someone would be over N200. Poverty, no doubt! It’s a real shame!

19. Picture this: was caught by LASTMA over a supposedly one-way violation. In truth, I had looked well at the sign and there was no indication that it was one-way street! When accosted, I told them I hadn’t violated any sign and they started arguing with me and ready to deflate my tyre blah, blah. In defence, I told them I saw the sign and it didn’t indicate otherwise. By now, I was out of the car to go and show them where the sign was and what I saw. On getting there, it truly was a one-way sign. What had happened was that the sign indicating a right-turn was boldly painted in black but the sign to negate it had faded; so what strikes you is the black showing the right-turn.
So I went back to my car. When they saw the genuineness of my error and in the misleading of the sign, they let me off! I didn’t pay them a dime of bribe!

For all you ‘Islander’ holiday makers, beware of taking one-way! They are getting stricter and meaner by the day! I hear you may even get sent to a ‘mentalo hozy’ to get you checked out!

20. Anyone looking for the next Olympic athletes? Have you ever considered the running strength of Las Giddy street hawkers? Just a thought, people; just a thought!

21. Picture this: Tailor A La Butcher! Due to some unintended weight-loss, I found myself having to look for the services of a tailor to keep some of my clothes in check! Alongside the amendments, I decided to use this opportunity to sew a few textiles I’ve had for a while. So off went all my clothes! After 3 weeks of anxiously waiting for the finished products, the tailor returns!

What was presented to me was unimaginable! For someone that had taken all the necessary measurements, nothing made sense except the iro & buba she made – as in only 1 thing came out right out of so many!
She had butchered my beloved ‘Karen Millen’, my ‘INC’, my ‘Tahari’, my ‘Next’ etc. The sown textiles could not even be tried on as I just couldn’t fit into them! It was a total disaster! I was livid and pained at the same time.

She has since attempted ‘service recovery’ but my clothes remain butchered! Either they come back too loose or too tight but just never right! The service recovery remains ongoing after almost 2months!

So if you know any absolutely brilliant seamstresses out there, do let me know otherwise I will be giving up this idea of sewing forever!

And that’s it for this season until the next one. Please note that my blog site is changing / has changed to
http://www.lola-life-in-lagos.blogspot.com/ OR http://lagosdiary.com/!

Take care everyone and keep the comments flowing!

Always & Always,
Moi (Still Keeping It Real)

Instant Justice!

It’s been so long my people. Work / Naija had been busy and hectic these last few weeks; so it was really a case of finding time to do my write-up for y’all.

For all of you that holla’d me for updates. Thanks a lot – tells me you are still interested in what’s up here in Las Giddy and that you still enjoy hearing from me!

And for those that are looking to taking the plunge and coming back home, don’t be put off by what you see or hear! If home is for you, then ‘Just Do It’! Leverage on the fact that your expertise may or is still highly required; it wont always be the case once home becomes flooded with the ‘Diaspora’! Wonder who coined that name! So be encouraged!

For this edition, here goes:

1. We underwent an episode of fuel scarcity a few weeks ago! Can you just believe that that can still happen in Naija with all our Oil! Thankfully, I didn’t have to endure any long queues purely because I’ve mastered one of the arts of survival here – always top up your tank once you’ve done a quarter on it! Once upon a time, I would wait till I only had a quarter tank left to go and realised how dangerous this was when I was almost caught up in the last scarcity. In fact, I was, the station attendant was just gracious that evening to sell to me after much ado and display of ‘ajebutterness’! Ok, ok, I wasn’t milking it but I truly didn’t have any other clue of getting fuel that evening!

This is one of the ways profiling works ultimately to your benefit here!

2. Saw a female newspaper seller. Not sure I’d seen one before now however, this was very striking. Its almost like gender based job discriminations are almost or out of the door now!
By the way, you can now purchase ‘efo’ (spinach) in Las Giddy traffic! All you need now are red oil, chicken and pot hawkers and bingo, you will be road run! Or better still, you can just get one of those stray chickens or dogs and you will still be road run! You know I’d touched on this in one of my previous blogs but then efo no dey dat list. Now I don add am!

3. Picture this: a few weeks back. I woke up to the smell of severely burning cables or such. I looked everywhere within the house and couldn’t locate the source. I unplugged every device from the wall (I usually do anyway but then plug some critical ones back once home). Still I couldn’t source the origin. Whilst concluding in my mind that it was probably external because of my open windows, I prayed to God for NEPA to strike! Believe me, no sooner did I pray that prayer they did.

So I finally convinced myself to get abed.

Next morning was a Saturday, so I got up early to finish off some chores. The smell remained strong throughout the house but not as strong as when there was electricity supply. As I cleaned the staircase, I saw burnt paper and wondered where that had emanated from. Suddenly, I looked up to where my electric points where and horror gripped me! That was what had been burning! The lack of electricity had slowed down the melting / burning process.
Some of the cables had been stripped down to the core; the cut-outs for phase change-over had burnt; the area of placement was blackened etc. Meanwhile my flat is the load sharer to the others, therefore a huge pressure point!

All these situated at the only entry / exit point to my place. On discovery I run out to alert my neighbours not knowing what to do or who to call (no 999s or 911s!). My neighbours were awed at the scene, then NEPA brought back supply. I never thought I would hate electricity supply as much as I did that moment! So with much effort, I removed the cut-out stuff.
We were able to get in an electrician. He was able to put a stop to the melting et al, restore power to all of us and staged a temporary solution until the next day when he came round to sort out everything. He categorically told me that I came out very lucky! He said there would have been an instant fire outbreak if not for the fact that it was situated near brick-ceiling!
However, as we stood out deliberating on the cause, I spotted the landlord and showed him the evidence, burnt and melted cut-outs / cables that the electrician had removed. The electrician had told us that the cables used could not accommodate the supply to the entire house and that some sub-standard equipment had been used. Anyway, on approaching the landlord – he was all defensive that the cables were sufficient, that they were superior quality products, that probably, the workmen did a shabby job blah, blah. He spoke highly about the situation and that he will get his NEPA contacts in to access everything; the electrician should do a work breakdown of the cost of putting things back in order blah, blah; and that I should contact him on Wednesday when he will sort out everything. So I left them there, only for the electrician to come back to the house to tell us that he doesn’t think our landlord was prepared to put a dime of his money down to rectify the faults. He advised us to do it ourselves! You would think that the landlord would be concerned about protecting his property from burning down!

Here was an incidence that had an occurred on a Saturday morning and he wasn’t ready to do much about it till Wednesday!
So that’s how we all contributed to rectify the issues and to date he hasn’t said jack to any of us; neither has he fulfilled any of the other promises of repairs he made to everyone of us since our meeting in January! 9ja landlords are cowboys and crooks!

I was ultimately grateful to God that I indeed came of lightly! What if I wasn’t at home; I was not around just the weekend before! Meanwhile I don’t even have a metre so how would I have been able to turn off supply completely if NEPA hadn’t struck! This is one of major reasons of fire outbreaks in 9ja!

It turns out this sub-standard job was the culprit for the ever low-voltage / current the entire house had suffered for months. It was so bad I was convinced my ACs were factory defects and rejects because they just never chilled; light bulbs were never at full beam – never!

A similar incidence happened at the office where for whatever reason of sub-standardness, almost if not all our networking end-devices got snuffed out of life in one night!

Tip: Never plug any appliance directly into a power socket in 9ja without a surge protector, stabiliser or any such! Even at that you still need the grace and mercy of God!

Haya, Las Giddy! Na waya o!

4. Picture this: Dastardly act! A group of armed robbers wanted to rob a bullion van full of money – not in Las Giddy though. The occupants put up a brave act and didn’t succumb. Obviously the robbers’ bullets and machinery couldn’t gain them access. So, in revenge, they spotted a fuel dealer nearby, shot the dealer(s) and doused the bullion van with petrol and set it ablaze. Since they couldn’t lay their hands on the cash – they decided no one else would! All the occupants and the cash went to their graves in that incidence.

Really sad and troubling! Banks have equally become hot spots for robberies now!

May we not be at the right place at the wrong time in Jesus name. Amen!

5. Picture this: Instant Justice! I was on my way to the island one evening for a meeting when suddenly I saw people running helter-skelter on the carriageway. The cabbie convincingly told me that he’s certain there’s been a fatal accident. Truly, as we tried to meander our way through an alternative route, we just saw a truck go up in flames!

It turns out that the truck driver had killed an ‘okada’ man and ‘maruwa’ driver on the spot; a sight I believe we’d missed barely by a few seconds! It must have been a gory sight as people ran helplessly with screams amidst much panic. The truck and its contents were instantly set ablaze. The pandemonium gave the driver enough room to escape with his life!

6. On a suffer-head note, NEPA has been nefarious to us. I heard someone over the weekend rephrase PHCN as ‘Power Releasing’ rather than ‘Power Holding’. As in they are truly holding back power that needs to be released to us!

You can’t afford to plan anything around NEPA. It’s just been so bad since the start of the year more or less. And with the humid and hot weather, it’s been a real suffer head combo. Loss of perishables has spelt even lesser time in the kitchen; such that the gas cylinder I bought since last June just finally emitted its last air! Even the stockist treated me with much amazement when I finally had it refilled! Everything thaws pretty quickly in the freezer because you are not home daytime and you can be certain not to have any electricity supply during the daytime anyway! If they are gracious, you may get maybe two hours supply in every 24hours; if they are not, you may not get any supply in 48hours or even worse in some very unfortunate rural areas of Las Giddy!

At a point, work was spending at least N1.2m weekly just to keep one building operational!

The noise from generating sets from everyone around spells constant headaches and pollutions! So the zeal to turn it on when home is hardly ever there!

My earnest prayer is that for everyone who has partaken in keeping every one at the mercy of NEPA for all these years that God will wipe all of them out!

Because it just does not make sense to still be undergoing this kind of arrant nonsense hardship in this modern day 21st century!

Another Tip: Frost free freezer na Oyinbo concept o wey no dey work for Naija. Na de kin old freezer type wey get plenty block , na im better here!

7. And lastly, a whole national telecommunication backbone of the nation – NITEL has been on strike for over a week thereby throwing communication into chaos over these last few days! A whole international gateway Sat-3 was shut down!

How can a whole country’s telecommunication existence lie in one hand?

This can only happen here in 9ja!

8. And I guess ‘keeping it real’ means giving you a wee bit of honest expo about my feelings every now and then! So, this year thus far has been a mix of some Ds (despondency, dejection and depression) + some joyful and stressful moments.

I’ve had nights where sleep had completely eluded me! There’s been days when I just didn’t want to come to work, in fact getting out of bed became a chore! There have been a few tears – you know those that come about when you are convinced God has forgotten you! There have been days with 48hours in 24hours; and others with 8hours in 24hours! There have been times when getting through the day / week became so hard! Days with persistent headaches! There have also been times when being here was the most perfect thing!

In all however, not enough for me to want to run back to jand!


And that’s all I have for you for now until the next time. Take care. Stay safe. God Bless!

Always & Always,
Moi (Still Keeping It Real)

A Las Giddian’s Indian Experience!‏

Howdy Y’All,

Trust you’ve all had a great week. As mentioned in my last blog about going to India, here’s my report!

1. For starters, my checking at MMA – the entire process from start to finish was the most stress-less I’d encountered in a very long time. Got to the airport on time; obviously without any excess luggage! Then there was little or no queue. Customs was a whiz through and so was the immigration and scanning point.

I was on a BA flight – not flown with them for a few years now for good reasons, but I was quite pleased this time around on their service to jand. We were served Jollof rice, chicken and dodo. Though I hate dodo, but I was so impressed by the local touch!

Got into London ok and the waiting time came and went pretty fast – having 11 people on the same trip from the same source was very entertaining.

The flight to India took another 9hours. The service on the BA flight was even more pleasing. I was however so tired and so were the others. After eating and catching a few hours sleep, I decided to at least catch a movie from the VoD selection. When I felt peckish, I asked one of the attendants for some nuts. In turn I was shown a galley full of munchies and told to help myself to whatever and however much I wanted – heavenly!

Landing in India took a bit of cycling around due to the sheer volume of traffic at 1am. Mumbai looked pretty busy at that time of the night as we headed out. What we first noticed were there ‘kombolo’ fiat Indian-made cabs.

We got to our hotel at about 3am. It was the Taj Mahal Palace and Tower. It was spectacular. By now, we were all so fatigued but grateful to God for a safe landing. We hit our rooms. The setting was just marvellous! It turns out we’d been booked into a $500 dollar a room per night!

Till now I’m not certain how that bill has been reconciled back at work, but I certainly didn’t pay my room charges. We spent a about 3nights before departing from Mumbai.

With back to back meetings, there was not time for site seeing or any such. Even food was a luxury. We were only served sandwiches at our meetings and I don’t like bread or anything of Indian culinary! The hotel was overly expensive but we got a really lovely Chinese place a few yards away but only opportune to visit once. The only things I bought and had time to do so were books, only because the hotel had a very good book store. We thought of going to see the Taj Mahal but were told that this was about a good 6hours away from where we were exclusive of travelling time to Mumbai airport!

The days came and went and we ended up changing our tickets twice in one day just to get out of Mumbai earlier than planned.

On the departure day, though didn’t fly first class but majority of us in the team where privileged to experience first class treatment by virtue of the most senior member of the team flying first. ‘Twas cool!

We changed our money back, almost everything from the same place we’d changed it from on our way in. Strict changing rules though! You needed to show original purchase receipt, passport blah, blah, otherwise you will be ‘rupeeing’ back to destination.

Reliance on their duty free proved fatal. Alas, the shops were closed for refurbishment! So that’s how I went to India and back and the only thing I expended money on were 4 books, 1 Chinese meal and 1 McDonald’s meal!

Got to London ok! Flight was excellent but food was crap! The 4day stopover was very cool but extremely busy.

Going back to Lagos, it was equally a stress free checking in at LHR! Had checked in online so the rest was seamless + I didn’t have excess! Can you just believe that! One suitcase weighed 28kg and the other 32.0kg on the dot! I was well pleased! Then it occurred to me that it is often the excess that causes or adds to the stress.

Got back to my very own Las Giddy on a packed flight – didn’t have overhead room for my hand luggage as other passengers had gazumped my space, so they were split in 3! Yeah, well into 3! We are now allowed to carry 2 onboard + any duty-frees! And trust me, we Nigerians truly capitalised on this!

My welcome home was met with a lost luggage by good ‘ol BA; whom ironically I was reading the dailies on my way out that said they were the worst for lost / damaged luggage.

Luckily, it arrived the next night. Then the other strange was that on wanting to claim my BA air miles, I was told that I didn’t travel on the flight! Can you beat that? So if it wasn’t me, then who was on their flight manifesto?

Then, I was down and out due to Malaria for a week! It was terrible! I didn’t have the classic symptoms which was the scary bit. It sure felt like I was going to die! It was in my blood stream! I went through 3 different types of malaria medication, bag full of other medication and 6 injections in my bum to return to good health. The effect of all these was insomnia! Only just started getting much sleep these last couple of days!

I wasn’t sure if this had been caused by the Las Giddy mosquitoes or those in India! What was however scary about the Indian ones was that they were everywhere. You met them in droves in the lift; out in the open; in offices et al. At point, I forgot myself and started aiming to kill them, and then I had to pull myself together. I’m however unsure if I was beaten!

2. Picture this: Clocked thirty something this weekend gone! I had a drink up and it was a nice setting. ‘Twas put together within a couple of days! Such a stress-less planning! Never thought I would have a drink up in Las Giddy or even know people to invite over.

I went for a hairdo I don’t think I’ve ever had; made me look so different that a lot of people found it difficult to recognise me at first. Been having the same effect too at the office!

There was music, food and drinks. We were done by 8.15pm! Can you believe that?

At least mine was civil, my brother bought food, cake and ice cream for every one at the office! Trust me, I didn’t have to spend that much even for my drink up. I took cake to work for the benefit of those that weren’t invited and after the cake had gone round, people were expecting either ice cream or drinks to follow! Ice cream koh, cold cream ni!

Unfortunately, this is the Las Giddian way! People expect you to ‘wash it’ for them if you move house, give birth, marry, buy a new car, your birthday, a promotion, travel, get visa; any excuse for you to spend sha is inescapable!

Now I can’t imagine this happening in jand! Or can it? Does it? As far as I remember, the celebrant will call you to her / his party you will have to pay for everything you eat or drink!

3. Picture this: More plateys: Mudi;, Fig 1; Hag 1; Simplex; Sugar! Na wa ya o!

And that’s it for this time around. Will be compiling more compelling Las Giddy stories for you!

Take care all and have a blissful weekend ahead.

Always & Always,

Moi (For Real Las Giddy Content)

The Day Las Giddy Wore Red!‏

Hello Everyone,

Trust you are all doing great and having a stress-less time. A quarter of the year is almost gone! How time flies!

Here’s my story for the last few weeks!

And its valentine’s season in Las Giddy, not day but season! Lagos came to a standstill yet again for the 2^nd year running based on my observations. I even hear that November babies are a lot – get my drift! Traffic was very manic. Believe it or not, loads and loads of people wore red. A lot of stores, if not every store I saw had just red themes, red items on display. Even lace sellers displayed red lace, voile etc. Some people even flouted their company’s colour scheme policies to wear red that day. The height of it was when I saw a vacuum cleaner retailer display red vacuum cleaners only. Na waya o! I heard babes were queuing up at the flower shops! Hmm! Who would babes be buying flowers for? Blokes? Themselves? To themselves most certainly to give the impression(s) that demand is very high! Na waya sha!

Lovebirds were holding hands everywhere. Restaurants had special reserved seating areas for those that might have / had proposals up their sleeves! Somehow we always seem to make the most of something in Las Giddy. The grace to spice things up lies here despite the abject poverty that often stares you in the face!

Since I couldn’t have a red day on Thursday, I had mine on Friday but just somehow it just wasn’t the same sha!

Anyway onto other stories!

1. Picture this – How about this as aLas Giddy address! ‘Anfield Road, City of Liverpool, L4’! Honest o, For real!

2. I promised to update you on more number plates. Here we are: Jimmy 7; Bacchus; Ray; Lake 1; G 7; Golden Lion; PaulPlay; Albarka, Anny!

3. Picture this! I went to have lunch at one of the restaurants around – Munchies to be precise. A few spoons into my food, I noticed that what I thought was ‘thyme’ spices were in fact insects (probably weevils)! Yeah, disgusting I know! So I quickly psyched myself so that the urge to vomit or feel nauseous will not even start. So I brought it to the attention of one of the attendants, who was very apologetic. She quickly offered to bring another plate. On looking closely at the next plate, I noticed the plate was still infested and in fact questioned her on whether it was a fresh plate or not. I told her I didn’t want that either. Then she offered me white rice. I told her that any meal from the rice family was now a no, no and that she should give me something completely different like yam porridge. This, she did. A few spoons into my food, she comes back asking for my receipt. I obliged her, only for her to come back asking me for the price difference of the meal, since my last resort was more expensive. I told her that they had the nerve to ask me for the difference considering the inconveniences and disgust. I requested to see the manager. It turns out the attendant knew the right thing to do was to offer a bit of service recovery but the manager was obviously not ser vice oriented to say the least. When I was done and I beckoned to know what they had decided, she told me it was ok to go that there was no need to pay anything.

But then, just when I was about to say ‘Glory, Hallelujah’, I ended up with ‘food poisoning the next day, obviously from Munchiesl! Imagine that!

4. Picture this! I saw with my own korokoro ‘eyin oju’, an ‘ako le’ (garbage truck for LAWMA) trash the side / front of a Hummer jeep! It was just not funny! Being a truck, it couldn’t run far so the jeeper and its occupants caught up with the driver. I wonder what kind of stories must have ensued. It only took a split second for a spanking looking jeep to become disfigured! At least if you are going to be hit, being hit by like minded vehicles may not be as painful (you are certain to a degree that insurance will come into play) but to be hit by a smelly, ugly looking trash truck is not just a story you want to regurgitate to your socialite friends!

5. Yet another picture this – ‘London Girl Is Falling Down’! Na so I go one of our office o. As I dey come down the stairs with my colleague, na so my ‘bata gogoro’ make me miss step! Na gburuguguru I hear as I dey fall o missing more steps as I approached the lobby of all places! Luckily, my colleague realised what was happening and quickly prevented me from stumbling further. Even if he no helep me, I for don grab am for dear life and potential shame! Thankfully, no harm was done; my heels didn’t break and I didn’t sprain my ankles!

6. And the last piece but not the least! Picture this – ‘Police Yawa’!

I go my friend house and as I comot for her estate, na police check point I run into. One of dem come stop me, e come ask wetin I get for boot, im say make I open am. I comot for car to open de boot. When he no see anything, he com ask for my drivers licence, I show am. He com ask for particulars. I com tell am say de particulars dey house. The truth be say I no even know wetin constitute particulars. U know for jand, we no dey carry anything around. If police stop you, anything wey dey ask you wey you no get, dem go give you seven days to produce for police station. I get some document for car but I know show them. Anyway, sha, yawa broke! They obviously wanted some ‘egunje’ but I was not having any of it. In trying to be mean, I was not allowed to leave and was told it was only on provision of the particulars that my licence will be released. Already, I had forfeited the licence in mind and was willing to go pay to do another one. What was more shocking to them was the fact that I refused to be intimidated by them. By this time, I had called my friend to let her in on what was going on. She was worried. She got her dad on the phone and he spoke to one of the ‘ogas’ there and it was all blah, blah. The officer was saying stuff irrelevant to the situation at hand. One of the men came and abused me and this was the last straw for me! I gave him back and everyone of them in sight a piece of my mind. Then a few of them they came knocking requesting that I let them into my car. I refused blatantly. One of the guys had tried to be a pacifier and we were talking through the little space I had left open on my window. So I pointed out to him that we were communicating just fine through that avenue and couldn’t understand why they now wanted to come into my car. I remained sat in my car and ensured the AC was in full blast. Then one of them came and gave me a piece of paper that he had scribbled a number and police station to go to. Now this is what I would have expected them to do from the onset, to have given the details of a police station to go and present whatever it is they felt I had not shown them. At a point though I was a bit worried because they were seriously harassing a lot of motorists – hitting some peoples cars, threatening to shoot, shouting at people, cooking up stories (this was the fate of the passengers in a car that were parked near me). At a point also I was the only one around. What worried me the most however was when they stopped a car carrying some villain-looking people. One of them came out limping and I just really feared a gun battling ensuing. Truly, they looked like armed robbers. They were delayed too for a very, very long time and thoroughly searched.

The truth however is that as much I detest the police force (sorry), it is often through this stop and search that criminals are apprehended - robbers and ritualists alike!

My friend’s dad now came round and so did my brother who had gotten in touch with one high ranking officer he knew. By now, I was fuming. After much deliberation, blah, blah, and phone conversation with some of the officers from the ‘oga’ my brother was talking too, my licence was released. By this time it was 11.40pm and terribly late to be thinking of going home, so I went back to my friend’s place and spent the night there.

Some of the interesting points overheard and made by some of the police men before the arrival of my people was the fact that most of them were ‘on the beat’ grudgingly; would prefer to be at home et al.

Oh what a night!

And that’s it for this episode. Watch out next for a Las Giddian’s experience in India!

Ciao!

Always & Always,

Moi (Real Life Content)